How to talk to DS12 about his odd-isms and the way he talks to friends

[UpToMyEye]

This is a difficult one to word, basically DS is 12, in year 8, and I think it’s time to talk to him about his general odd behaviours and the way he talks to friends
He’s always struggled with friendships and I think I’m ready to admit that a lot of it is possibly down to him
He sort of talks at people, if there’s a silence he’ll fill it with a random completely unrelated statement or question which he thinks is funny, he does a lot of accents when he’s talking and shouts certain things which again he finds hilarious
He can also be quite aggressive and puts people down - this is a hard rule in my house and one I’ve always stuck to but the more he’s playing online with his friends I can hear he says some things which I would absolutely not accept him saying to us (parents) or siblings
All of these behaviours I know he thinks is being silly/funny/random, he’s not mean or nasty at all he’s actually quite an over sensitive boy (something which has also been an issue in friendships before) but they are at best annoying and at worst seriously odd

I really don’t know how to speak to him about this - how do I basically say ‘you’re the annoying kid in class dial it down or you’ll have no friends soon’?! without completely obliterating the small amount of confidence he has?!

You don't. You discuss how he speaks to you/family etc. You model positive behaviour. You do not randomly tell your 12 year old he's got zero social skills. If he comes to you upset because he has no friends, you might want to gently address the issue.

It sounds like he does not have high levels of social skills. BUT, is that just an age/immaturity thing or something more substantial. Has school ever commented on this in parent-teacher meetings?

I haven’t had any parent teacher meetings in this school yet because of covid
In his primary school it was (now I see) hinted at, he was sent to an occupational therapist by them and diagnosed with SPD but nothing more, I have always suspected there was something more

We do model behaviour at hone and also have hard and fast rules about respect, tone, not commenting on certain things (people’s appearances mainly) unless to compliment, and he doesn’t do these behaviours around us - we can be silly and make up silly songs/do silly dances and sometimes answer questions in a silly way especially to break someone’s bad mood or stroppiness but tbh I wouldn’t want to be a serious household all the time we’re a house full of children! He doesn’t seem to understand the ‘right place right time’ side of things
And I think a lot of the stuff he does is him being a bit of a ‘class clown’ to try to make friends

If you think there's something more at play, then I'd consider additional support. I'd speak to the school and take their guidance but you might need to do things privately.

Also, you can help him address it by discussing in advance certain social situations and what might be necessary. Or encouraging him to join clubs where perhaps there's quite a strong structure.

I'm just very hesitant about any conversation that could be seen by him as you telling him he's not good enough. Even though of course that's not your intention.

From your OP,
He's already diagnosed with SPD.
He has social and communication difficulties, doesn't understand the usual flow of conversation and appropriate turn-taking, when to listen, how to contribute on-topic.
He's emotionally immature.

It's possible he's neurodiverse, so reading up on that could help you to see where his difficulties lie.

Rather than saying anything directly to him, could you do some social stories with the family, to try and guide him in the right direction. As BlingLoving says, don't let him go into a situation and flounder, prep him beforehand with what to do and what to say, but in a way that doesn't damage his self-esteem. Tall order I know.

Kids who try to be the class clown often use that to deflect from difficulties they are experiencing.

Have a word or email conversation with the school SENCO and ask for their opinion on your son's social skills and anything else they may have noticed about his behaviour at school.