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How to help my 10 year old who's scared of everything

19 replies

Upsetdaughter379 · 09/01/2022 22:20

I'm feeling very frustrated but want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
My ten year old son is very mature and grown up for his age. He's a good boy, sensible, clever, very funny etc.
He's extremely confident, goes out to play with friends on our estate and walks to and from friends houses alone no problem. He walks home from school alone.
Everything's fine until bedtime. He is literally petrified every night. Nothing has ever happened to make him scared. There's me, his dad, his sister, him and our dog. He has his own room which is lovely. Before he gets in bed he checks everything, that the windows are locked, under his bed etc. Then he will get in bed with a torch and lie there almost paralysed with fear and anxiety whilst we are downstairs watching TV. I then come up to bed. I cuddle him. Reassure him. He will come in to me multiple times every 5 mins until I lose patience and tell him to not come in again. He takes an age to fall asleep. I think it's sometimes way past midnight so then of course he doesn't want to get up in the mornings.
When I talk to him about it he says that his mind is very active at bedtime and he can't shut off. He thinks of all kinds of scary things such as monsters etc.
I don't know what to do. My husband tells him he needs to face his feels and addresses his fears and tries to be rational with him.i swing between wanting to let him come and sleep with me (husband says no) to getting really frustrated with him because every night is the same.

OP posts:
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fudgecat · 09/01/2022 22:24

Maybe try swapping rooms with his sister? Treat it as a fresh start

pawpatrolneedaunion · 09/01/2022 22:26

Maybe a change, even just furniture moved about, redecoration?

I'd also recommend audiobooks. On a mid level volume so he can drift off with them. Choose books he is familiar with first so there are no surprises.

OopsadayZ · 09/01/2022 22:28

Could the dog be allowed to sleep in his room?

Does he read before bed (nice stories, nothing scary)?

Does he have a nighttime routine (calming bath)?

Does he play video games or watch tv that plays on his mind later? If so stop them

Have you tried breathing techniques for him?

Can you read to him? Give him a nightlight?

Have you tried lavender oil?

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RandomMess · 09/01/2022 22:47

I would have the dog look after him, preferably on the bed so he is pinned down (large cat cured my then 4.5 year olds getting to sleep issues).

How does he unwind before bed time?

Fringellacoelebs · 09/01/2022 23:04

I was a bit like this. During one period I was obsessed with touching wood against what I now know are intrusive thoughts. I'd even take a piece of paper to hold in bed so I wouldn't have to keep touching my wooden bedside table.

My mum (we're not a religious family) gave me a bible and gently explained it was a source of good and would protect me by my bed and keep me calm. Something in the way she explained it switched my mind off to it all. Not suggesting you do this but finding a calming influence in any form may help.

Having my door ajar and landing light on also really helped as I still felt connected to my family.

I still check everything before bed and have to tick it all off in my mind however!

GruffalosGirl · 09/01/2022 23:29

DD (10) has always been anxious at bed and finds it difficult to sleep. She was still regularly coming in with us until 2 years ago. For years she would say she was afraid of the big bad wolf at bed. It's just her brain whirring when there's nothing to distract her.

An audible subscription has been the best thing we've done. Other things that have helped have been guided meditations for kids, there's usually some free ones on you tube, fairy lights also help as they are a soft glow. We have aromadough, which is scented play dough in a calming scent, from spiffy. She sometimes has figits in bed. Really snuggly blankets and a weighted blanket. Making her bedroom really calm and relaxing and having just enough going on to distract her mind from its thoughts but not enough to keep her awake has been the most successful approach for us. And she has no screen an hour before bed and no caffeine after 2pm.

Upsetdaughter379 · 10/01/2022 07:21

This is why my husband gets annoyed because he says my son is causing it, because during the day him and his friends talk about all sorts acting very grown up and then when he goes to bed he thinks about what they've talked about!
They've all just had phones so will be showing each other god knows what. He plays on the PlayStation during the evening on fortnite til about an hour before sleep, where he then is supposed to chill and unwind.
We have just spent a fortune on redecorating his room for him. At night he will bring many ornaments into me etc, you know those pop figures? Because they are looking at him and he's convinced they're moving!!

OP posts:
pawpatrolneedaunion · 10/01/2022 07:32

Well playstation goes away then , so do the pop figures, and I'd definitely be monitoring all phone activity. PlayStation can be played at weekends for set limits.

newyearBear · 10/01/2022 07:37

You need to monitor what he's seeing on his phone. Even YouTube can bring up very scary stuff.

MyQuietPlace · 10/01/2022 08:51

What does he watch on tv/tablet? Is he looking at things that stimulate his brain too much? Or something like TikTok, where sometimes people do daft/dangerous things?

scaredsadandstuck · 10/01/2022 09:03

I think it's an age thing OP. I remember my DS1 being the same around 9/10 and my DS2 who is 9 1/2 is the same at the moment. Last night he was worried about a war breaking out. I remember being the same at that age too. I think it's developmental as they start to pull away from you a bit more at this age (like you say - walking to school on their own, going to play out etc) and the world seems a bit bigger and scarier than it was before.

I don't think there is any point in 'punishing' him (e.g. taking things away or getting angry) - you'll just teach him not to come to you with his worries and problems in case he gets punished. But I know, because my two are the same, that lots of screen time/PS etc doesn't help. So I'd couch it along the lines of 'we need to come up with a good plan together to help you stay safe online and not see things that make you feel worried at bedtime' and 'let's go round your room in the daytime and find the things that are scary at night and work out what to do with them'.

I do agree that you need to help him face his worries and talk about them. Last night it too me ages to convince my DS to say out loud what he was scared about. He was worried if he said it, I'd either laugh or somehow it would make it come true. We talked about how once you've said it out loud it can't get any bigger and I could help him feel better about it, but if the worry stays in your head it can grow and grow.

I agree with the suggestions of an audio book to go to sleep to - my DS 9 really likes that, and my older DS also found it helpful when he was a similar age. They both quite like listening to the David Walliams stories. We play them on an Alexa dot. If you don't have one already you can nearly always get them on offer on Amazon.

Also, I got my eldest DS a book called 'What to do when your scared of your bed' - he didn't actually read it in the end, but I think it was recommended by some people on here as being good. It helps them work through their worries.

Good luck OP - it's exhausting when you just want to relax at the end of the day!

BertieBotts · 10/01/2022 09:20

Get some parental controls on his phone. I know you can't control what other kids have on theirs but at least you can block his. If he's on whatsapp, tiktok etc maybe have a think about that as they are full of rubbish. Start talking to him about things he's seen on phones proactively and see if you can help him put them into context. Also supervise his console time. Keep an eye on which friends seem to be the ones that are driving the inappropriate stuff, and consider only letting him see that friend at your house (we had to do this).

I found this age really tough for this kind of thing but I'd really think about trying to diversify his friend group as well - could he learn a sport or instrument in a group setting, or join something like Cadets or Scouts? They will all be moving up to senior school shortly which is good in a way as it is a big shake up and makes the cockier ones lose that "big fish in a little pond" attitude. Also tends to scramble the friendship groups.

Upsetdaughter379 · 10/01/2022 14:28

We have full parental controls on his phone and playstation. He's not allowed anything like tik tok etc. This stuff is coming from his friends which I have no control over.

OP posts:
Somuddled · 10/01/2022 20:26

I went through this as a child. Wouldn't lie down to force myself to stay awake to be ready for whatever horrors awaited. Thought any images on the wall or toys would be staring at me. And the most horrifying of all, that my parents were going to be murdered. I was a state at night and fine in the day. I know a night light helped a lot as did being allowed to fall asleep in the sitting room then being walked to bed hours later.

FindingMeno · 10/01/2022 20:32

Put a baby monitor and a salt lamp in there.
Assure him that if he wakes and is too scared to get you, if he calls you will come.
Think of anything you could put in there that he might feel is protective (for example, a crystal)
Salt lamps give a very calming glow and I much prefer them to nightlights.
Involve him in how you make the house secure. Let him know you always have the doors locked when he is in bed.

pigcon1 · 10/01/2022 20:42

Keeping a diary? The book - big bag of worries - good too.

tiredanddangerous · 10/01/2022 20:53

The headspace app or rainfall sounds help my dd

LunaNova · 10/01/2022 21:51

OP this sounds like me as a kid, my imagination was so overactive that it didn't really matter if I saw something scary on tv, because my mind would go there anyway. Even now if my DH is away I'll have a "routine" of checking things before bed.

I think the audio books are a great idea, or if he reads, something easy to read and non threatening (I still maintain to this day that Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets is a horror book cos I read it at night under the covers and became terrof6 of the basilisk Grin).

The best advice I got from my mum was to act out a story in my head, so usually from whatever book I was reading but sometimes I'd act out a pokemon episode as if I was a character or something. It gave me something else to focus my mind on and 9/10 I'd be asleep within 15 minutes.

If the pop figures are bothering him, maybe remove them from his room for a while. I would try not to get frustrated with him, I know I was genuinely terrified to go to bed as a kid. It has lasted well into adulthood in fairness, but I have the coping mechanisms to deal with it now.

Good luck and hope for some restful nights ahead for you all.

TrashyPanda · 11/01/2022 11:12

I have problems with intrusive thoughts too, and have found audio books invaluable. I have long standing depression and anxiety and was sleeping an average of three hours a night for years. DD suggested Audible and I gave it a shot, never thinking it would work. Was I wrong!

Audible has a timer you can set, so it stops after a set period of time. I set mine for 10 mins and am always asleep before that! They have all the HP books, which are narrated by the wonderful Stephen Fry.

It really has been a game changer for me. Just listening to the story keeps my thoughts at bay and lets me drift off to sleep. I use headphones and have the sound very low.

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