Exhausted parent, what do you miss?

[Exhaustedmum88]

I’m a single (or lone) parent to a 15month old. this is tougher than I’ve ever imagined, and I never expected to do it alone.

I understood I would miss the nights out, feel isolated from the “that was a great night” group chats. To be honest, the nights out and holidays with friends haven’t really been missed too much (Covid has helped this). But to not even be able to sit and enjoy a series, a 1 hour episode of the latest drama without stop starting is driving me mad. To eat “cold” meals and sandwiches repeatedly, and to be constantly chasing my tail with work, money and household chores single handedly is becoming relentless.

She’s not a great sleeper, but better than some. But I’m constantly tired. The words “it’s a phase, it shall pass” are getting tiring, it’s been a year. It’s illness after illness, I don’t know where one ends and another begins, combined with teething. She’s had numerous hospital admissions for dehydration, a cough consistently since August, which gets worse and disturbs sleep. Cold after cold, amongst all the other viruses. Weaning is a huge struggle, and she didn’t take to food like a duck to water and 9 months on I’m lucky if she eats a meal a day, we make progress, she gets I’ll and we are back to square one. She also has numerous allergies and food adversities. I feel months are passing by, and nothing is getting easier. I’m tired of constantly trying, I feel like a broken record that everyone is fed up of listening too.

I would just like an evening where I can enjoy a cooked meal, 2 hour binge on Netflix, without the constant coughing or being on edge thinking how long until she wakes up. A long hot shower where I can wash my hair without making it an Olympic sport, a lie in, a moment to drink a hot coffee. A snippet of my old life, a break, instead of this rut, in a body I’m starting to resent (need to loose some more baby weight but when I’m not eating well this is hard).

My only break is the nursery days, when she’s well enough, but for the last 5/6months she’s had at least one day (out of 4) absent, due to sickness. But on these days I’m working, earning money whilst I have the opportunity before the next “illness” strikes us down. When I’ve had the small offerings of help, I’ve just slept, but a week later I’m exhausted again, or worked because I need the money for childcare.

Honestly don’t know what the point of this post is, but just to say out loud how I feel. And see what other miss.

I miss watching TV too, getting stuck in to something gritty that requires my attention.
Anyone hot baths!

My daughter is 4 at the moment. It was hard when she was very young. I just wish I played with her more.

I'm not a lone parent but my dh works away from days to months at a time so I can relate to doing things solo. With our 1st I missed my old child free life but over time that passed. Now got 6 kids and dh's in the same job, I just plod on. Get out with the dog and enjoy lazy days to recover from the stressful days. We have a home gym set up which melts away my stresses too, I found it more mentally challenging before getting in to training. Holidays have always been a challenge as dh can have his leave changed at very short notice, almost finished his full service time though.

It does get better as they get older and when they are teens you rarely see them.

I miss just being able to do a thing without whines, complaints, cajoling etc. Like, getting ready to go out... just putting on my shoes and going. Or making the tea, just deciding what to make, making it, and eating it without a million and one questions followed by complaints. DD is 3.
I also miss me, and the things i used to be able to do regularly, and i miss time alone with DH.

Oh yeah, and i miss being able to sleep all night long without someone waking me up for some reason.

I had my first two in early twenties (more than 20 years ago!) I never felt like I was missing anything don't know if it was just having more energy being younger or if it was because we lived in a time when the perfect life wasn't constantly splashed on social or if I just had easy kids. In my late thirties I had my third and really struggled, tired all the time , my friends all having the freedom and money to do as they please, feeling like life is just a long struggle. It felt gradually easier over time, he has allergies and food aversions too and these have also improved and become more manageable. The allergies he has started to tolerate better plus it's a lot easier when they can tell you what's wrong! The food aversions naturally improved with age and starting school helped. . He's 6 now and life is so much easier. I took up yoga and mindfulness when he was 2 and found it really helped me with negative thoughts and teaching my body to relax itself again.

Being able to be ill in peace when I have a bad cold or food poisoning. I had food poisoning a few months ago. Both were upset I was being sick but did sleep at night. Youngest who also had the food poisoning just lay next to me all day and fed. I couldn’t keep liquids down so I got increasingly dehydrated. Youngest was fine though. And at least I had help to clear up the sick and pass me water

Sounds like you're having a tough time - I find 12-18 months hard going.

I miss lots of things but the main one is being about to pop out without it having to be a military operation involving coats & hats, buggies, changing bags, snacks and bribes.

Sounds tough OP, I feel for you.
I have DD, she's 14 months and weaning has been a ride too. She had quite allergies and was quite picky.

One thing that has helped heaps is putting her in the highchair in the kitchen while i cook us both a hot meal. I dish hers up and mine and we sit together. If she eats it she does, if not, it's okay.

Doing this was a bit of a game changer for us. Something so small but effective.
Don't ever turn down a PJ day on the sofa with her. Stick the telly on, get all her toys out and chill with her. Make sure you play with her too.

Things like baking with her and letting her get messy. Then I'll Chuck her in the shower with me.

She's a good sleeper now too but like you DD is in childcare and is picking up a bug or cold if some kind every 1-2 weeks. It's relentless and it seems they never catch a break. But my GP said lockdown babies have lower immune systems. And in babies not born in lockdown the norm can be catching a cold of bug every 2 weeks. It's building their immune system. It's tough, I know, but they do get stronger and more resilient.

If she's waking at night, (we do this) just bring her in with you. If it stops the exhaustion. In the mornings if she has woken super early we bring DD in, give her a bottle and stick peppa on and we can doze for another hour or so.

We're pretty stuck in it at 14 months now. It's tough and it will pass (I know you don't want to hear it) but then we get into a different phase in their developmental growth.

Have you managed to see a dietitian for her food?

The above may not help you at all. It's relentless carrying the mental load and everything else.

Get her toys out, make a coffee and sit on the sofa and have it.
Fresh air always knocks my Dd out. An evening walk might help maybe?

Having a child is a constant rollercoaster.

Spontaneity
Proper lie ins
Lazy days
Reading novels
Not being too tired to pursue hobbies
Afternoon naps

(BTW - has your GP ever mentioned the possibility of infant asthma? The constant night cough can be a symptom. My daughter is now on a steroid inhaler and it has completely eliminated the night cough)

OP that sounds really tough. I feel for you and really hope it starts to get better soon. Is there anyone that could just come and look after your daughter so you can have a nap and a hot bath watching some Netflix?

I have a 6 month old who’s a poor sleeper and I miss sleep. So badly. Just being able to get into bed after a long day when I’m feeling tired, pop some telly on and go to sleep for 8 hours without having to worry about anyone else.
I also miss being stress free. I’ve had some post natal anxiety and I’m constantly worried about my boy so would be nice to just have a day with no worries.

Spontaneity. From the big things, like ‘oh look the weather is unexpectedly nice let’s go for a hike and camp out after’ to ‘I’m gonna get in the car and drive to the supermarket now because I want cake and wine so why not’.

Equally though, your situation does sound really tough. Little people and all their hurdles with eating/sleeping/illness etc are hard enough for two parents, let alone doing it on your own

Thank you for all the replies. Sounds like most of us miss sleep!

@faithfulbird20 I know I will miss these early days, I try to play with her a lot during the day and ignore everything, we do a lot of reading. They grow so quick.

@Chely wow you sound like your doing great with 6! I bet that’s a constant struggle.

@Imicola omg yes I have all that to come, at the minute complaining is minimal, but can see that getting a lot more stressful.

@workingtheusername most of my friends had children in their early 20s, whereas I’m in my 30s. They’ve said the same, and they didn’t miss sleep as much. Having an allergy baby makes you constantly question everything. I can complete relate to your post, glad your son is getting easier with age.

@tothemoonandbackbuses that was one of the worst parts, but they seem to bounce back so quickly. Norovirus with a screaming 7month old was one of my worst nights / experiences.

@Sausagesausagesausage omg yes! Just think I will nip to the shop for some milk, turns into a constant struggle! Or when she’s asleep at night and I realize we’ve run out of x 😩

It's as hard as you allow it to be. I think if you are more relaxed about things it just feels so much easier, if you stress too much it feels like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

@feedthepeony it’s a rollercoaster isn’t it. We get out at least once a day for a walk, we love the fresh air. We do have a dietitian and PED and we do little and often approach. Trouble is we make progress, but the slightest cold she stops eating again. She does have enlarged tonsils, reflux, hernia, and issues with her digestion (all medicated), and dysphagia. That means every minor cold turns into a nightmare. We’ve tried co sleeping, I would love it, but she hates it and cries and won’t settle. Your little one sounds like she is doing well now, bet she loves baking with you.

@Ihaveoflate she has dysphagia (delayed swallow) so any cold causes Mucas in her throat, which she can’t swallow. They did look at asthma, but said it would be a drier cough. Glad you found the cause and cure for your DD cough. Spontaneity is good one! I miss that too!

@MadAboutMyBoy I’ve asked, but everyone seems to be busy. I was hoping I would get a break over Christmas, whilst everyone was off but it dint happen as she was too poorly. Sleep is a major one isn’t it, changes the rationale of you think, and can cause anxiety! Hope your little boy gets better at sleep soon for you.

@AliceW89 thank you! Oh yes, let’s just jump in the car and go x, without the mountains of things you have to pack or things you have to think about. Getting out the house it usually a struggle, by the time I’ve got everything ready to get in the car, she Will have undressed herself / done a poo 😂