Potty training- what am I doing wrong?

[neverbeenskiing]

DS is 3y and 3months and I got what felt like a telling off from his keyworker at nursery the other day about how he "really should be potty trained by now" and is "definitely ready". She made a point of telling me that he was one of the only ones still in a nappy and I felt awful. We have tried before a couple of times, unsuccessfully, and he got quite upset about the whole thing so we wanted to wait until he was definitely ready. I explained that I was planning to attempt again when I have a week off work in February (we both work FT) but Nursery were quite insistent he is ready now and we shouldn't delay any further so we decided to tackle it again this weekend.

Day 2 and I'm already feeling completely despondent about the whole thing. Story books about toilet training, sticker charts, bribery, letting him watch us use the toilet..
none of it makes any difference to him. We got through 8 pairs of pants yesterday and by the end of the day he'd gone from being disinterested in the toilet to actively resisting it. Same with the potty. He doesn't seem to have any warning when a wee or poo is coming, he just starts doing it wherever he's stood and then says "uh oh" once it's already happening. Every time I suggest sitting on the toilet now he screams "no!" and runs off.

I know it's only day 2 but I just can't see how we're ever going to be able to get out and do normal things again. He's always full of energy and doesn't sleep well so normally the way I cope is by keeping busy and spending lots of time out of the house with him.

I feel like I've failed. If all of his peers are managing to do it, and Nursery are so sure he's ready then I must be doing something wrong. Should I put him back in nappies or will that confuse him? Now I've started should I just keep going even though he doesn't seem to be getting it?

Any advice or words of encouragement would be gratefully received.

@neverbeenskiing I wonder why they pushed for it. Constant accidents will be more time consuming than nappy changes. Maybe he does show more signs of readiness while he's there, maybe due to peer influence.
Don't take the advice of changing into pants at nursery, keep it consistent between home and nursery. Even if they pushed for it, it's ultimately your responsibility. Have him sit on something waterproof in the car, if that's how you get to nursery. Hope it goes well!

Firstly you're not a failure. Each child does it at their own pace.
When my Son who is 3 was starting nursery, we got the impression they was pushing toilet training on to us as well, as they seemed shocked that he was still in a nappy, and they made a point of saying in the past if toddlers made a mess in their nappies, they call the parents in to clean it.
So I personally think it's just to make their lives easier, rather than "encouraging independence" which they liked to throw in a few times as well. You can't work in a nursery and expect every every single child to be potty trained, because every child is different, and they should know this.
I would stick to your guns and only train him when he is ready, instead of distressing him (not your fault btw, nursery are pushing you).
And in the mean time, tell the teacher to get off her high horse, or send him somewhere else.

@nuggetschicken I could be wrong, but the feeling I got from his Keyworker was that she was pushing due to his age. She made a comment along the lines "by 3 they are ready" so that's obviously her view. I hadn't planned to send him to Nursery in a nappy or pull up as I don't want to confuse him. I have puppy training pads for in the car!

We started and stopped multiple times with our DS. It just got too stressful for all of us and once that happens and the resistance starts it's a lost battle (or was for us in any case). We got DS into the habit of sitting on the toilet before bath and in the morning when we took his nappy off (he hated potties but liked the cushioned seats that sit on the adult toilet seat). Once he started preschool he quickly became aware of the other children using the toilet and used them occasionally when they did nappy changes. One morning when he was doing his morning wee, he asked completely out of the blue to wear pants instead so we went with it. He had multiple accidents which was to be expected, and still has them now (he's 4 next month).

If it's too much for you OP then pop him in pull ups. They're not as absorbant so they will be uncomfortable which may assist your DS with learning it's best to use the potty or toilet. Don't let nursery pressure you, unless they're willing to follow you home and continue with his training!! You had a plan for February and personally I would stick with that unless your son is on board and wants to try now. Good luck!! x

I'd say does get to the worst point before it twigs. My DD was super easy age 2.10. DS was 2 days of hell with a low point when he collected all the potties in the house (5 or 6), made a circle of them then did a massive wee in the middle of them all after peeing everywhere all day. I curled up in a sobbing heap at that point but actually it was his first deliberate wee and he got it from then on in.

I think boys have a harder time working out how to let it go deliberately than girls...

The thing with potty training in my experience (4 boys, all trained between 2 and 2& half) is that they just have to pee themselves quite a lot of times in order to get the idea! And for myself, to see it as practice rather than failure.

We didn't do the naked thing, because I didn't like being stuck at home, and because it felt a bit like humiliation if they weren't in the mood for being naked. Also, getting used to pulling the trousers up and down is part of the deal.

Every time we went out I took lots of spare trackies and socks (tried to do it in warm weather to keep the changes simple).

And I just kept repeating to them about using the toilet, and every time they wet themselves didn't make a big deal just, oh well, time to get changed again. And every time they were successful I made a huge fuss/happy dance/high fives about how well they did.

It actually didn't take too long - about 48 hours on average to get the basic idea, and another week or so before they were 100% reliable. And I just did it around normal life. For nursery, I took them in pants (but with a lot of extra changes) but left nappies as well. Spoke to the staff at drop off and made it clear that, whilst I would prefer to leave them in clothes, if it wasn't working/was becoming a nuisance for them it was fine by me if the staff wanted to put the child back in a pull-up. They actually never did, because the nursery routine for that age group was set up around frequent toilet breaks, so they actually managed easier there than at home.

My DD didn't use the potty until 3 years 4 months and then had massive issues with having a poo for years after.

My DS needed pants to potty train. Doing a wee on the floor didn't seem to bother him in the slightest, he would just run off. They're all different though, maybe try just trousers if you're worried about the feeling of the nappy?

Thank you all.

Some small success this evening. He has sat on the potty a few times quite happily, without having to be bribed. Then about an hour ago he alerted us to the fact something was about to happen by shouting "uh oh, Mummy and Daddy" so we popped him on the potty and he did a poo and a wee on it. He was very pleased with himself. I am hoping this is progress as it's the first time he seems to have been aware of the sensation of needing to go, normally it seems to take him by complete surprise until it's already happening.

Bravo! Make a huge fuss of him, clever boy.

I would keep going and make it nursery's problem tomorrow if they are the ones who pushed for it! You will need extra shoes....!

@EcoCustard I didn’t know the chocolate button approach was an actual method! I just figured bribery would help. Worked wonders for DD1, just after she turned 2 (she was ready and speaking in full sentences, I wasn’t being pushy).

@youretwistingmymelonman oh god, I hadn't even thought about extra shoes!

That sounds promising! Maybe nursery were right 😅 Pop a pair of slippers and/or wellies in his bag for spares.

@Timeturnerplease mine all toilet trained very early with it, the power of chocolate

How is he doing @neverbeenskiing ?

Opposite here, we trained in pull ups and it worked a dream. No stress, poo trained before wee and trained day and night at 2 years and 9 months. He has only ever wet the bed once in his life. Horses for courses I'd say. Don't believe the hype about oh crap. Works for some, not for others.

How's he getting on now OP?

I remember with mine, I had to keep reminding them every 30 minutes to go on the potty. Personally I think that's the trick with potty training, don't wait for them to realise they need. Get them into the routine of get up and go to the toilet, toilet before you leave the house, toilet before meal, toilet after meal, toilet before bed etc.

My daycare insisted mine be potty trained so I just let them do the heavy lifting. Nappies weren't allowed after a certain age so she went in in pants and they basically taught her. I didn't think she was ready. She'd wee on the floor as soon as she got home. I'd remind her to potty but put her in a nappy on weekends etc. if we were going out.
In the end she'd got so used to it there she picked it up at home as well. I call this the easy way out 😀

[quote neverbeenskiing]@nuggetschicken I could be wrong, but the feeling I got from his Keyworker was that she was pushing due to his age. She made a comment along the lines "by 3 they are ready" so that's obviously her view. I hadn't planned to send him to Nursery in a nappy or pull up as I don't want to confuse him. I have puppy training pads for in the car![/quote]
This would worry me a little bit. No nursery worker should be telling you ‘by c age they are ready to do x.’

Every child is an individual who will meet milestones at their own pace. It doesn’t help to give a blanket statements like ‘all 3 year olds can do x.’ One of mine wasn’t potty trained until 4.5, of course now we know he’s autistic (and tbh we knew something was not right even back then) but it would not have been helpful for someone to say ‘why isn’t your boy toilet trained? Why can’t he speak? All the other 3year olds can do this so why haven’t you bothered?’

It sounds like they’re trying to push him to do it for their own convenience - if as you say he has absolutely no idea he needs to go then he’s obviously not ready or capable. Being able to say they need the toilet is the first necessary step to toilet training.

However if they feel he’s so ready I’d happily send a bag in to nursery with loads of spare clothes, wipes etc and see how they get on. If he’s as ready as they say then perhaps he just needs the change of scenery.

Naked bottom worked in our house.
I can’t say I liked the book in general “oh crap potty training”, but one advice I’ve taken from there is when you do need to put some clothes on them go without underpants. Just loose joggers as the underpants can feel to much like a nappy.

We didn’t go cold turkey with nappies. Started naked/ joggers in the house and still put a nappy on for a good month outside.