Can’t decide whether to have a third baby?!

[SFLS301]

Hi!
My husband and I have 2 children; DS is 8 and DD is 3. I am absolutely desperate to have a third child but DH is worried about the finances.
Between us we earn £65k before tax etc and both our jobs are quite flexible so don’t pay for after school clubs etc. DD gets 30 hours free at nursery and DS is in primary school.

We live in a 4 bed house in the north and our mortgage is £650 a month. Our monthly bills including food etc comes to about 2k a month.

My questions are really for those of you who have 3 children, is the financial jump really noticeable?
Do things get easier as they get older? (In terms of money)
What are the biggest expenses you noticed going from 2 to 3?

Thankyou! X

If you can’t afford after school clubs now how will you cope with a third baby? I haven’t done the sums but it seems to me that you already know the answer. I write this full of sympathy as we would have liked to have 4 children. It was always our plan until we realised that we simply couldn’t afford two more. Even with two we struggled to pay for swimming and music lessons. Three will probably mean buying a larger car; just think of the cost of shoes for three. Wouldn’t it be better to concentrate on the two you have and enjoy your family life with them? For what it is worth, DS has three and his comment was ‘two isn’t enough and three is too many!’

OP didn’t say they couldn’t afford after school club, just that they don’t need to use them? Sounds ok to me OP, I’m expecting my third and we’re in a very similar financial situation to you. The main expenses I’m thinking of at the moment are getting a bigger car and the fact that holidays will cost more as the kids all get older (not really for the first few years as we tend to hire a cottage in the UK, it’ll be if and when we want to go abroad it’ll be significantly more expensive). I’m not worried about shoes / days out etc as the costs of those will be higher yes but not so much that we can’t afford them. I guess food bills as they get older etc, but I’m not getting too hung up on it. We will feed our kids! My oldest is 8 too so by the time dc3 is a teen my oldest may not even live at home, and will certainly have some kind of part time job. People on here often talk about uni costs but the way fees are now we couldn’t afford to pay for one or 2 child’s fees either, they’d have to take the loan if they really wanted to go. I went to uni but lived at home because my parents couldn’t afford to pay for accommodation and I wasn’t that bothered. So it doesn’t really seem like a big deal to me. Uni is ridiculously expensive now so parents paying for it is pretty much out of reach to all but very high earners.

Hi,
Thankyou for answering my post.
We can afford after school clubs we just don’t have to use them thankfully because our jobs are flexible enough for us to do school pickups and work from home in the evening.
X

Of you really want no3 you will make it work. The money will just be divided among 3 kids instead of 2.

Most obvious expenses are a bigger car/cars and holidays.

Clubs and classes/ musical instruments.

Expensive teenage tech.

Logistics of managing 3 kids schools and activities. You can't split up as you can with 2 kids.

3 kids of different ages and interests. Days out would be more difficult etc.

But honestly none of this will matter if you really want another. You will make it work.

What age are you? If over 40 I would be worried about the risks of pregnancy or potential disability.

Finally- twins! Would you cope?

Can you tell I had the same thoughts about having a no3.

Thankyou so much for all your replies!
Holidays and bigger car are some of the things I worry about. I know we could afford the day to day things like food and shoes. We’re quite lucky that we have good family support around too.

I don’t worry about paying for university because we couldn’t even afford to do that for one never mind three. Both my husband and I went to uni and took out loans to cover it.

My concerns are things like days out etc but when I was little a big day out was maybe once every couple of months. We always played with our cousins, the park of things like swimming which don’t cost too much.

I’m 33 and if we had twins, my husband would probably have to give up work as we couldn’t afford twice the childcare and I earn more money. He has said if that happened, he would just reduce his hours!

I feel like we’re in a better financial position than quite a lot of people who have 3+ children??

We stopped at 2 so glad we did our teens have expensive tastes and we can really enjoy stuff with them as a family (meals out theatre travel etc)

My Brother and his wife went for number 3 and admitted they regretted it.
According to them things are set up for a 4 person family so holidays etc are harder. They needed a bigger car and even with a 4 bed house there was much less room and no spare room to use as an office etc

I really wanted a third but we decided against it due to things just being easier with two- can get family hotel rooms, don't need such a big car etc. Having read the thread about hotel rooms as sad as I was about not having a third I think it was for the best really

Why are you so desperate for a third? What do you get from a third you don’t get from your two dc?

Honestly I'm always surprised to see people talk about hotel rooms, car etc as a reason not to have a third. It seems really short sighted to me.

What percentage of your life do you actually spend on holiday in a hotel?

I think in the short term things are a little harder and more expensive, just like going from having no children to having one. But in the long term you have another member of the family. Another face around the table, through decades.

Childhood is short, if you think you can manage it and you want a third child then I think you should do it.

2 - 3 made very little difference for us.
Jump to 5 with twins, biggest change was getting a bigger car. Now have 6 and very little change. I was made redundant when pregnant with 2nd, I became a sahm after maternity allowance ended as I was pregnant with 3rd (was PT anyway because dh works away a lot). Dh's job makes things like holidays hard to plan, kids are not bothered as we do day trips instead.

I've not long had my third. I'll admit I was/am worried about things like booking hotels being more difficult, however in real terms that's something slightly more faffy once a year or so(?) For the pay off of the total joy of my DD every day. We almost always self cater on holiday anyway and always have done so it doesn't make a huge difference. Extra seats on flights, bigger hire car, extra ski equipment etc. I can appreciate all that. There are savings in a way though as the 3 of them are quite happy just to muck about together at home.

I say this as someone who has a very high household income so affordability is not a problem, plus we already had a 7 seater car. I also have family nearby who are helpful. I can understand if you had to get a new car, bigger house, plus stretched with childcare, it might be a more difficult choice.

In an ideal world, I'd like a third. However, I'm going to be 44 this year (had DC1 just before 40 and DC2 at 42) so it's things like disabilities and just the strain pregnancy and the first year will have on us which makes me think twice and that's before I've even got to the cost!

It's definitely things like: another 4-5 years of childcare for the third (our childcare costs are already 1600 a month for 2.5 days a week DC1 and 2 days a week DC2 - we are not in uk), holidays more difficult, need a bigger car, will have to work longer, uni fees, more food bills (I have 2 boys so I just know they will have hollow legs as teenagers).

I agree you’re in a better position to have 3 than most. You have the house space, you have enough money and flexible jobs. I’d want a third in your position too. That doesn’t mean your DH is wrong, of course the money for the kids will have to be split 3ways instead of 2.

People can have or not have kids for any reason but "I didn't have a third because they'd ruin holidays" always seems like a strange one.

Op you're bringing home about 4k between you? 2k on bills, plus mortgage of £650 is that right?

You might need a bigger car depending on what you have. Holidays will cost a bit more and need a bit more planning. Short term you've got nursery fees but that's only for a few years. You should still be able to put money away to help with uni etc.

People can have or not have kids for any reason but "I didn't have a third because they'd ruin holidays" always seems like a strange one.

I don't think it's so much a third would ruin holidays rather the cost. I think it's more that a lot of people would rather have 2 and be able to afford holidays etc for them than have 3 and give up things like holidays. It wouldn't put me off having another if I really wanted one but I can see the logic.

It sounds like you're in a good position financially OP and have enough space in your house for a third, you've said you can afford the day to day costs and childcare if needed so I think your big costs really would be a bigger car if needed and the initial baby stuff if you've not held on to your older children's.

If you both really want one I think you should go for it. Would your husband feel more comfortable if you put it off for a year or two and tried to save what you can so that you have a pot of savings behind you should something happen and your incomes affected or similar?

Honestly, if you have to ask on mumsnet you can't really want a third. If you want a baby, you want a baby. Strangers wouldn't be needed to help make that decision.

I have 3 and we were financially worse off than you and had a 3 bed. We made it work and are in a better position now.
In your situation I would 100% go for it.
I'm so glad we had our third.
I have no desire for a 4th. 3 is definitely full-on.

Your outgoings are very high for a low mortgage- I honestly don’t think you have enough money to cover another child as comfortably as you could live with just 2. Costs are rocketing too. I’d be happy with my lot and save

Do you not realise that parents have to contribute to their kids uni fees?
No concerns about their futures on a completely fucked planet?

@NowEvenBetter

Do you not realise that parents have to contribute to their kids uni fees? No concerns about their futures on a completely fucked planet?

Do you realise they not everyone goes to Uni and it'll be a totally different system in 19 years anyway.

@Ivyonafence but it depends on what you want.

You are right that childhood is so short so we wanted to travel and see as many places as possible with our children in the short period of time we have with them at home. As one example we wouldn't have been able to afford to have done our 4 week travel around Australia if we'd needed extra rooms. For some that's not a problem as they have the cash but it would definitely have stopped the experiences we've been able to give our two children if we'd had 3 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I had the year off with both and after I had my second went down to very part time work, again something I couldn't have afforded three times.

How old are you? Others are right in that you shouldn't base having another child on hotel rooms, holidays and cars. The biggest expense is a house and you say you have 4 beds so you're ok there. Age would be the deciding factor for me though

I wanted 3 and had 3 with 3 year age gaps between them. At the time of having all 3 we were earning around 30k between us as I only worked 2 days a week. The cose of having a 3rd never even entered my head. We've struggled at times but who doesn't?