Need stories of not breastfeeding all your children

[Mollie12]

Hi,

I am struggling with guilt with regards to my my first DC who I formula fed due to lack of support from the hospital and lack of knowledge. Managed to breastfeed my second baby for 16 months. Anybody been in a similar position and felt no guilt? It’s quite overwhelming and think I may have depression because of it

If your first child was fed and looked after and grew, then you did fine.

Do you feel guilty you were able to provide one-to-one attention for your first child, but your second child has less undivided time and attention spent on them? That they probably wear some hand-me-downs while your first child had all new things?

You can never be totally equal and fair and treat different children the same. And worrying about it won't help them or you. If you're anxious about this particular thing, it's probably just a manifestation of general anxiety/depression. Worth seeking help for.

I didn't bf my first 3, well ds3 I did pump for a few weeks. I bf ds4 for nearly 3 years. I don't feel any guilt about not bf the others

Presumably your first dc is fine? I’m not sure why you’d feel guilt about not bf the first if they are ok.

I only managed to exclusively breastfeed my first dc for 2 weeks and it was hard the whole time, he had a big tongue and he just couldn't get the hang of it. He list too much weight and so I introduced formula. He loved it and pretty much refused the breast from then on, although I expressed for a few weeks but only very small amounts. DC2 took to it immediately absolutely no issues, I fed her for 26m.

Yes, I had guilt and realised I could've done things different with dc1 and it probably would've worked eventually. Do I still feel guilty, not in the slightest. My dc are 20 and 16 now, both healthy, strong, intelligent, attractive, sporty, respectable, respectful etc etc. Just trying to demonstrate there is so much more to parenting than that one issue.

Don't beat yourself up, it is fine and in the past, both children are fed and are thriving. Look to the present and the future.

Yes I suppose, you can’t treat every child exactly the same can you?

OP, I was breastfed and my sister wasn't - she had an undiagnosed tongue tie and it was too painful for DM so they nicknamed her Jaws and moved on to formula very quickly.

I can categorically assure you that there is very very little difference between us in terms of health, academic achievement, career attainment, closeness with our mum, any of it. It is a non issue.

I know that right now it feels like a massive thing, but it really really isn't, I promise. We all want the best for our children and the best thing for yours now is to try not to punish yourself over something you can't change and makes, at most, a negligible difference within your own family.

I bf one twin and not the other, because that’s what works.

I didn't get maternity leave so had to go back very quickly after DD1 - I BF her for about weeks and then expressed for a couple of months before moving on to formula. With DD2 my milk dried up after about 10 days so she had to go on to formula at that point or starve. SO no I don't feel guilty that I gave her formula.

I have no guilt about not being able to breastfeed my DS1. I expressed for 3 months whilst continuing to try to establish breastfeeding, it didn’t happen so we switched to formula. We did what was best for him and what meant that he would thrive. I’m currently still feeding my 1yr old, it clicked right away with him and has been easy. It really does not matter how your baby was fed as long as they were fed!
Have you spoken to your GP or health visitor about how you’re feeling? x

The first kid gets loads 1-1 of parent time which often the next kiddies don’t so in my mind they got that, baby 2 got boob milk- =

I didn't breastfeed at all. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about that. They are both very healthy adults now .

I bf my first and ff my second. They’re both doing great. I do my best not to feel guilty about either this or other differences (first got more 1-1 time, second got a more relaxed and experienced parent, whatever) but then again that’s fairly easy for me to do as I’m in good health atm - I’ve had anxiety and depression and in those moments it’s hard to let go of self critical thoughts. Are you quite sure that it isn’t the other way round - you siggested you might be depressed because of this, is it possible that actually you have a spot of depression/PNA/PND which is meaning you are ruminating on this?

Yes they think I am ruminating because I’m down already. She said to try and look for other mums who have done the same and feel no guilt

@MajorNeville did you just have guilt like with anything else? Making a frozen tea one night for example ha?

I’m worried it is consuming my thoughts

@Mollie12

Yes I suppose, you can’t treat every child exactly the same can you?

No you can just do the best you can. It sounds like you did that. On an individual level to be honest I don't think it makes a big difference if a child was formula or breastfed as long as they are fed.

I can relate though. I exclusively bf DD for 18 months even though she struggled with Weight gain.she is still tiny. Ds is combination fed and growing very well. I feel so guilty for not supplementing DD with formula as well.

I breast fed my first, hated it, formula fed the rest. No guilt whatsoever and now as adults the first is the one with severe asthma and other health issues and he was the one most ill most often throughout school.

My friend once told me this - how often do you ask an adult if they were breast or formula fed?will you ever know?

As parents why is there so much to feel guilty about?

I only managed to breastfeed DS for a few weeks and most of that was combined with formula feeding.

I fed DD until she was almost 3 and she only had a couple of formula feeds when she was in intensive care at birth.

I have felt some guilt in the past. Mostly because DS has a few allergies and asthma. He suffered with chest/ ear/ throat infections when he was younger too. But it's not something I've worried about for a long time. It is what it is, I can't go back, and there's no way of knowing if breastfeeding would have made much difference anyway. DD was generally much healthier in that she had far less bugs/ infections etc but does have eczema so who knows.

Why do I feel so guilty about it now? Was 4 years ago?!

I didn't breastfeed my first. Pregnant with second and will try more with second. Reason for first was I suffered with postnatal depression and the stress of breastfeeding also was just something I couldn't handle all together. I really wouldn't beat yourself up. You are at a different stage in your life and things will be different. I'm sure all your children are happy and healthy and that's the main thing

@Mollie12 I sympathise as I felt awful about it. When DD (now 12 years old) was about 3 or 4 weeks old I had to put her onto formula because she was losing weight, basically my milk was drying up as I was so anxious with severe insomnia (PTSD? post natal anxiety? Whatever you want to call it).
I feel bad that my MH was the reason she wasn't breastfed for longer.
But with hindsight bottle feeding was my saviour in some ways as it meant I could take certain medications, plus DP could help with night feeds, and somehow the sense of responsibility that was overwhelming me eased a bit.
She always slept well luckily.
Anyway I didn't go on to have another so can't compare, but I feel no guilt now as it was the best thing for all of us in the circumstances.

I think they might be depression rather than the breastfeeding as it has become all consuming