DH struggling with balancing work and being a new dad

[Bridie20]

Just that really. He’s wfh but extremely busy. In the house 24h a day but can’t spend time with 7 week old DS. DS is ebf but we’ve begun to introduce a bottle of expressed milk. However on nights like tonight when DS is cluster feeding I don’t feel comfortable giving the bottle as I feel it’d lead to upset DS and DH.

DH is struggling because he’s not getting much time with DS. My parents are here this weekend and they compete for cuddles so he’s feeling ratty about that too.

Any advice on ways to maximise our time? I don’t want him to start to resent me for ebf and I definitely don’t want to feel pressure to use bottles more when I’m not ready for that yet. Happy to do one a day for now but that’s all.

Has anyone else had this? How did you cope as a couple?

Don't risk messing your supply at this new stage when there are plenty of other ways for them to bond that don't threaten the health benefits of your ebf.

Could he be the one to do all the nappy changes, settling after feeds, winding etc? At seven weeks my baby just wanted to sleep and be held really with minimal in between. Could he baby wear in the sling?

When he's not working I mean!

Could your DH do bath time? My DH works long hours out of the house and bath time is for DH and DS, I pop in and out for a splash and to help if needed but most nights I leave it to them so they have some bonding time. I know it's not loads but it could help, especially if your DH gets a couple of smiles a day during that time, I'm sure you will both feel better after that

Are your parents there every weekend? Why?

The fathers of breastfed babies need to look after the new mums. His role should be about bringing you food and drinks and ensuring you get enough rest.

Previous poster is right - it's way too early for you to be dropping a feed so that he can give a bottle. He can change nappies, wind, dress and bathe the baby. He doesn't need to do feeding. That's your job.

Working from home and being near your child/ren but not being able to parent them is horrible, he may be better working on site if possible. Being at home and not being able to parent might be harder than actually being at work. Then him getting home is more of a clear cut thing and that could be his time apart from feeding.

To be honest if I’d been at work all week and my weekend time with my baby was taken by in laws I would be a bit upset, especially if it was taking significant time with my baby from me.

Unfortunately it is what it is to an extent. It’s slightly worrying that you think he may resent you for ebf, I’d be pretty disappointed in my husband if I thought that could be the way he was feeling altho I can understand the feeling of him not having much time with baby.
Our son is 9 weeks old now, DH has been back at work (out of the home) since he was 1.5 weeks (reduced hours the first week then normal thereafter). I try to make sure he gets plenty of time with DS when he is home but realistically as I’m ebf, there’s only so much he can do. Bath time is a big one for us and DH always goes to DS first thing… if he’s awake (DS is currently chatting to himself in his cot following a feed so I expect will be asleep at 7 when DH gets up!)
Try not to take on any guilt feelings for your DH. You’re doing a tough enough job as it is… rewarding of course but hard work!

My DS was EBF & his dad worked long hours out of the house & returned during that fussy evening stage where he only wanted to be attached to me.

Some things we did

• dad was the winder
• dad often did bath time 1-1 while I ate
• once DS had fallen asleep on the boob we became pro at the dad transfer. DH would hold him asleep while I showered / slept/ drank tea

Around 6-10 weeks DS became more awake and alert and during these times id be handing him over for 'games with Daddy' and DH entertained him. This became a really lovely time & DS smiling and cooing st his silly antics helped them bond.

Only suggestion - if in laws aren’t working could they come and support during the week so dad gets more just normal core family chill time with you and baby at the weekend? I’d have struggled with my only time off being spent with family visitors so early on

This is a similar situation to my DH and I when we had our DD in March 2020. He was working from home and I was ebf, what he would do to have more time is get up at his ordinary working out of the home time (about 6:30am), he would give DD to me for a feed and then take her downstairs so that I could have some "me" time - sometimes I would sleep, other times I would get up and shower. He would then bring DD back upstairs just before he started work with a cuppa for me, this way he got an extra couple of hours to be with her without me hovering around so it was good time for them (even though she mostly just snoozed on him ).

My DD could take a bottle of expressed milk if I went out but generally speaking she didn't, and I fed her until she was 14 months old. It hasn't impacted on my DHs relationship at all as at the minute she's definitely in a daddy preference haha!

Are your parents staying all weekend or just popping in? It must be frustrating if he feels like his only quality time is being impeached on, maybe you could suggest he takes DS on a walk on his own (or you could go too but let him push the pram/baby wear) while you or your parents make tea or something. Try to let him take the lead in some things rather than jumping in (I know this is hard in the early days).