Auntie

[lesmiserable72]

Hi ladies. I now have my niece living with us. My sister died 6 months ago and she's been living with us ever since.
I've gone from being the 'fun' auntie to someone who has boundaries? ( if you get my meaning). I have one child, living with her boyfriend, I'm a stepmom to 3 others who come over every now and then.
I'm now finding it hard as she's pushing back on the boundaries. Answering back, and being stubborn. What do I do? Give in, not say anything to her? She's 11 by the way.

Sorry I didn't want to read and run...

So sorry to hear of the sad loss of your sister. This must be tough for you and your niece..

Only natural for her to push boundaries but don't give in but always pick your battles.

Poor kid, it must be so hard for her to have lost her mum, and at such a difficult age. You are brilliant for taking her on. It will probably be really hard for both of you at times as you'll both be grieving and she is obviously heading towards the difficult teenage years. Be prepared for the inevitable "you're not my mum" and have a pre-considered answer.

You obviously do need boundaries now that you've taken on the parenting role so I think you do need to stick to your guns, but I definitely agree about picking your battles. And be as patient as you can with her, she has so much to deal with already.

Make sure that you take good care of yourself amidst all this. You've lost your sister and what you're doing isn't easy.

Has she had any help to process her mum’s death at such an early age? Where’s her dad?

Are you getting any support? It's only natural that she will want to push the boundaries, it's probably part of processing her grief. There's an adoption board here and no doubt other groups around, which may give you better advice. What people would do in this situation with an 11 yo who hasn't gone through a massive trauma isn't necessarily the best advice for your particular situation.

You can't treat her like a normal 11 year old and you can't be the fun auntie. You must have boundaries but she is also old enough to have very open discussions. You of course give her extra tolerance but not too far or it won't be good for her either.

Has she got emotional support from a suitable counsellor?

Tell her why each boundary exists, so she knows you’re making them because you care about her wellbeing, her future and because are responsible for her.

Practice your “I’m not at all shocked at this shocking information” face and tone of voice.

Let the small stuff go. Think about your future relationship after she leaves home, you’ll want her to look back and see you guiding her through her teens, not stressing at her about dirty forks left in sinks and tiny things like that

Say yes as much as possible, so she doesn’t just hear no all the time.

Give her opportunities to chat to you without direct eye-contact (doing your laundry, cooking together, or just side by side on a walk) and don’t talk too much - leave silences for her to come out with random things. Don’t question things, make encouraging noises, tell short snippets of how you can relate and elaborate if she seems interested. My dd is much more open with me this way, rather than me directly asking what’s happening in her life.

Let her know if you have trust between you, you’ll both get through these years together as a team. That she can come to you with anything. Remind her of this when she makes mistakes on this (she will)

Do some of the fun stuff you used to do together, when you’re both ready.

Boundaries are good for any child. You’re doing an amazing thing

I'm so sorry for your loss. Six months is still early days. She's probably feeling quite raw.

I would stick to your boundaries but do it kindly. Don't get annoyed if she pushes the boundaries that you have set. Keep talking. Keep being affectionate and being there for her. And maybe some bereavement counseling would help (if that's a thing). Wish you all the very best!!

Poor girl. She's very lucky to have a caring aunt.
I took on a family member at a similar age for the same reason. It's a very hard adjustment for everyone.

She's probably very angry with the world right now, and I'd say a little bit testing you to see if you will be there to look after her by pushing boundaries.

Does she have her own room? I think that's very important for her to have somewhere to escape to. Especially if she's gone from being an only child to sharing a home with one sometimes 4 other children. I'd also not tell her off much or harshly (just keep calmly telling her the rules and why they are in place and a small consequence of needs must). For the short term anyway. What's her relationship like with your child or step children? Sometimes it's easier to talk to peers (obviously not a role to be given but nice if they become a little support network for each other)

I'd speak to the school to set up bereavement counselling.

Also what are her hobbies/interests? I'd try and make a big push with these and try to really encourage them. It will hopefully give her a healthy outlet to let off steam/ vent some of her emotions.

Tbh these are all just sticky plasters, and without meaning to sound corny, you just have to ride the waves that come and be there for her (while making sure you look after yourself too as you're making a big life change while grieving❤️)

You have both been through so much and are lucky to have each other. Is the arrangement permanent? Would it help if you formally adopted her?
11 is such a difficult age for a girl under normal circumstances, let alone what she has been through.
You've done parenting before, so you know what she needs in terms of boundaries, security, love and friendship, but I think be honest with her about how you feel, your grief and the adjustments you are making in terms of going from fun aunt to parent figure. Let her know that this is a journey journey are in together and you are in it for the long term.
Talk to school about councilling and perhaps even see if you can access help through social services?

Try to access some support. She needs bereavement and loss intervention. It would actually be more concerning if she wasn't playing up.

Maybe find a book on parenting in these circumstances?

Also you should be claiming whatever kinship allowance etc you are entitled to.

I'd also seek legal advice on having her formally in your care you you have authority to make decisions, take her on holiday etc.