How to deal with "I don't want to go to school"

[Mayorquimby2]

Hi all, just looking for tips from others on your they've tackled this common problem.

Our daughter has just turned 3 and since the return to Montessori we've had crying in the morning when she asks if she's going to school today and then again at drop off with added grabbing of my leg.

Now admittedly it's only 3 days she's been back after having almost 3 weeks of Christmas fun and constantly being with mum and dad, so I'm not so much worried about her being upset at the moment, I'm more concerned with how we as parents respond to her assertions of not wanting to go to school.

To date I've been taking the approach of acknowledging the fact she doesn't want to but that we still have to go to school and mum and dad don't want to go to work but have to too, so we wouldn't be able to play with her even if she did stay home.

The reason I'm doubting this is that having thought about it this morning I'm worried that while I don't want to ignore her feelings, I think the way I'm dealing with it is basically agreeing with her that she's right to not want to go to school but basically there's no other options.

I'd rather find a way to present school positively while not trying to tell her she's being silly etc and "off course you want to go to school" when she's stating her feelings clearly

I've talked to her on a number of occasions to make sure nothing bad is happening at school, I have a feeling that while there's no meanness that she may have not meshed with the kids here like she did at her old creche (with covid we've obviously had no opportunities to witness how she engages with them, but her teacher says she gets on well with the other kids, but I don't think she's got a best friend etc) so I'm probably very sensitive to her being upset when going to school

Why is a three year old going to school?

"Never mind, I'm sure you will have a lovely time while you are there."

Just treat it as you would any other "I don't want to" - eg not wanting to have a bath or wear shoes when going outside. She's literally only just turned 3 so this isn't going to morph into a big issue unless you make it one.

Acknowledge her sadness like you are doing, saying you sometimes feel sad having to work and being away from her too but stay cheery and positive. Don't make too much fuss when dropping her off and certainly don't hang about but don't just abandon her- I'll be back later, see you then, we'll have something nice for dinner etc. It's always worse when the child knows mums still lurking on the premises. In my experience children come round very quickly once inside. Hopefully it'll just be because she's had a lovely Christmas. If it persists, speak to the adults at nursery and check there are no issues, big changes etc.

@DobbyTheHouseElk

Why is a three year old going to school?

Montessori.

She calls it school

At just 3 she won't have a best friend etc, friendships are beginning to form but it's still quite a self absorbed age . I think it's a normal way for them to be, especially after the Christmas break, it's dark & cold/wet outside first thing, home is warm & so on.

My 8yo just gets told that she has to come with me to take the other 3 either way, so she may as well put her uniform on, she's fine once we're there.

Is that a nursery?

Tell the child you are only going to be doing boring stuff and you won’t be playing and having fun without her. School will be much more fun.

Yeah there's no hanging about because I know that will just ramp her up more and we're not letting it become the focus of the morning so it's not a massive deal. There's no negotiating or wiggle room around it (the shoe analogy is helpful in that respect thank you) and we just get on with it. She's not in hysterics the whole morning or anything.
I know it's almost certainly to do with the end of the holidays which is why I'm not so concerned about her being a little upset at having to go in there rather than stay home and play chasing and do jigsaws, and am more focused on how I be positive about school without dismissing her upset out of hand.
Thanks for the suggestions so far, I like the idea of framing it more towards the "sometimes daddy doesn't want to work/gets sad he has to go to work" rather than a uniform "yeah I don't want to go to work either but that's life" approach.

I think what you are doing is fine: acknowledge the feeling but be breezy about going anyway. Try not to make it too heavy. Also, sometimes it helps if you dig a bit deeper and then help her articulate exactly what the problem is: "you find it hard saying goodbye" or "you miss me when you're there" or "you find it hard to share the toys". You can start a narrative of: "I find it hard to say goodbye to mummy, but she'll be back to pick me up soon". The main thing is to get nursery to report back on whether she's fine when she's actually there. If not, you might want to keep a closer eye on whether the setting works for her. Also, try not to complain too much about going to work! I have a tendency to do this and I think actually it helps them more if you're positive about going to work.

@DobbyTheHouseElk

Is that a nursery?

Tell the child you are only going to be doing boring stuff and you won’t be playing and having fun without her. School will be much more fun.

I'm not sure what the UK equivalent is, I'm in Ireland. It's a middle ground between creche and school. They have "lessons" in the morning over a period of 3 hours (with breaks and lunch in that period) and then the rest of the time it's just childminding.

I would remain upbeat and say 'you're going to have a great time, I wonder if you could paint me a lovely picture? I love it when you paint me a rainbow etc etc
what shall we do when I pick you up later? (Reinforcing you'll be back) How about the park, visit nanny, have a treat etc.

@Soraya5

I think what you are doing is fine: acknowledge the feeling but be breezy about going anyway. Try not to make it too heavy. Also, sometimes it helps if you dig a bit deeper and then help her articulate exactly what the problem is: "you find it hard saying goodbye" or "you miss me when you're there" or "you find it hard to share the toys". You can start a narrative of: "I find it hard to say goodbye to mummy, but she'll be back to pick me up soon". The main thing is to get nursery to report back on whether she's fine when she's actually there. If not, you might want to keep a closer eye on whether the setting works for her. Also, try not to complain too much about going to work! I have a tendency to do this and I think actually it helps them more if you're positive about going to work.

She does great once she's in there. This is a new behaviour that wasn't there pre Christmas bar her very first day but I know she'll have calmed down before I even reach the car.

I've not laid it on heavy in my talks with her just relaxed open ended questions and the jist of why she doesn't want to go in is because she wants to play with daddy and cuddle her dog.
Shes got a play date with one of the boys from her class she gets on with next week so I'll be interested to see how they interact but genuinely my concern was more with regards my behaviour in acknowledging but not fuelling her upset, not just for this issue which will be over before the weekend but when similar situations arise. Very helpful to hear input from others

One thing me and dw agreed this morning was that we'd stop being negative about work in front of her so that the weekdays aren't painted as bad and the weekends as good.

Do you think she's unhappy with the setting? DD3 cried and complained against her first preschool. When I told them I got told to just make her go and that one of their own children sometimes vomited because she was so upset I said that she didn't have to go to preschool, ever, and that I wasn't forcing her to go somewhere she hated. I moved her to another preschool (Montessori, incidentally) and she settled in really well.

A couple of things I would do with a reluctant DD going to school was say "Let's go and tell your teacher you can't come in today" but by the time we'd got there - we'd walk so we could chat on the way about the exciting things the other children may be doing that day - she'd got all a caught up with going that she'd forgotten she didn't want to once her keyworker / teacher came out and smiled and chatted with her.

The other thing I did was find "treasure" and plant it on the way back from school and then we'd go the next day to see if it was still there. We found a knitting needle on the way to school once and poked it into a crumbling wall and DD would love to run and see if it was still there. Pine cones, sticks, leaves etc all placed in various places and it would be the trail to school. Various cats would feature on the journey too that we'd try and spot. Did that for years. Even if you drive you could do it on the last part of the journey or in the driveway of the nursery. Almost like a little secret just you two share.

It's hard I know however this must have done the trick as DD wants to be a Primary School teacher and is choosing unis now 😂

Does she understand when she has to go to school vs weekends and holidays? It’s actually a big piece of learning at 3. I’d suggest a visual schedule or a calendar with pictures/symbols for school and home.

I agree with what you’re pointing out about the underlying “life is crap, what can you do?” message because I’ve inadvertently run into that with my ds who has asd and takes everything to its logical conclusion.

I’ve found it helpful to have a “best and worst of the day” conversation, so an opportunity for a moan and sympathy but also something positive/fun/silly. And you could do the same talking about your day.

Just to add - it’s great to listen and validate her feelings but that also has to be balanced with putting it in perspective, and with building up her confidence that she can tackle the hard things.

When I hear about problems, I sympathise and then ask “so what did you do!” Or “what do you think you’ll do?” and try and validate their coping skills.

In the Uk we have preschools. Must be the similar thing. Non compulsory. Paid for childcare in an education setting. Not sure my DC ever had lessons. More free play and painting sort of thing.

DS only said it once.
That time, we were walking to reception, so he'd have been around 4. I sat on a bench with him and told him the story about a boy who stopped going to school and ended up not having any friends. I don't know if he got the message or it was just that he needed some quiet time before school, but he never said it again. It may be worth making the going to school a pleasurable(ish) experience rather than rushing it, if that's the case.