Am I being too sensitive?

[NH86]

My DD, 7 went to her friends house after school to play.
When I collected her, the friends older sister 11, came running down the stairs as we were leaving and said "we've got poo in the toilet" Now knowing my daughter she'll often forget to flush so I asked her if she had gone to the toilet and she nodded. I then asked her to go back upstairs and flush the toilet. The older sister said "No she's flushed it but there's poo on the edge" My daughter looked mortified and instantly upset. I immediately told her she had nothing to be embarrassed about. The friends mother said "everyone poos, even the queen".
I said "everyone has made skid marks in the toilet and anyone who says they haven't is lying". I was so livid I wanted to humiliate the older sister by directing the comment directly at her but she's a child and I'm in their home.
I feel it's extremely unkind the way the older sister felt the need to shout about it the way she did. I'm also a little disappointed in the mother for not telling her older daughter not to be so mean and remind her that these things happen and it's normal.
Just to note, my daughter doesn't know how to use a toilet brush or clean the toilet. She would usually tell me if there was a stain and I can only think a few reasons why she wouldn't tell the friends mum, she was too busy playing, she was embarrassed or it wasn't her. (There were 4 kids in total)

I don't want her to go to someone's home and feel uncomfortable. It's highly likely she won't go to the toilet if she ever goes there again. We overcame a toilet issue at school when she was younger because the other pupils were not being monitored and looking under the cubicle doors.
My husband thinks I should talk to the mother as he feels the same way. He said 'our daughter would never do that, she'd pull us to one side and tell us so she didn't upset her friend'.
Am I being too sensitive on behalf of my daughter?

I think from what you’ve written here the mother handled the situation fine. I really wouldn’t advise contacting her back and talking about this more!

I think its quite likely the 11 year old didn't know whose it was and wasn't attending point to embarass her. These things just aren't a big deal in some families and it may not have entered her head that anyone needed to be embarrassed.

You then drew attention to the fact that your dd 'forgets' to flush the chain and asked her in front of everyone.

Likely, without you there, this wouldn't have been a big deal at all. You are putting alot of motivation on an 11 year old, that's actually just your assumptions.

If I had been the mother at the house I would have just said to my child 'not a problem, it happens. I will go clean it.' Again knowing there youngish children in the house and these things happen.

What exactly are you going to say to the mother?

He said 'our daughter would never do that, she'd pull us to one side and tell us so she didn't upset her friend'.

Yes, because she has had issues around the toilet. But both of you are being a bit naive to assume your dd, has never (or will never) say something without thinking that embarrasses someone else.

I agree the mother handled it fine with my daughter and reassuring her it wasn't an issue, it was the not telling her daughter it wasn't necessary to shout about it the way she did. However, I don't know what was said after I left.

To mention that me being there may have made it worse, not at all. The 11 year old said it in a teasing, tit take tat way and laughed. It's something my daughter would have told me about without a doubt. She's sensitive like that and would need reassurance from me.
Stains and cleaning isn't a big deal in our home - as parents we just clean up after our children, but remembering to flush the toilet/washing hands is important. If the 11 year old had made reference to a stain rather than implying a poo was left in the toilet, I wouldn't have said anything.

I am not with my daughter 24/7 so wouldn't know if she has said something that embarrassed another, but if she did it in front of me, I would call her out. No matter her age.

Maybe this is just the age old debate of parenting and what we all do in situations.
It just broke my heart to see my daughter so upset. She's generally a happy, ditsy, glass always full kinda girl.

Waaay too much drama & over-thinking here

All this talk about poo 😳

Other mum handled it fine; I wouldn't have said anything at all in your position - including your odd skid marks comment. Say nothing further.

@DropYourSword

I think from what you’ve written here the mother handled the situation fine. I really wouldn’t advise contacting her back and talking about this more!

I agree. Leave it now.

Definately oversensitive. Sorry. The mum handled everything fine. The 11yo was being ott about poo, but lots of children find anything poo related hysterical, especially when showing off in front of others.
I don't think you needed to reply, but if you knew it was your child you could have offered to clean it up if you were embarrassed. You could teach your dd to use to a toilet brush?
Just text the mum thanking her for the play date and don't mention the older sister.

You are being ridiculous. Your child is going to get much worse said to her in the future and unfortunately you can't be there to protect her in every situation from having her feelings hurt.

YABU the mother handled it fine and you don't get to tell her how to parent her DC. You are feeding your DC's anxiety about this if you have made such a big deal out of this afterwards with her. Shit happens literally. Just let it go.

Yes it was unkind of the 11 year old. And I can see why you’d be annoyed… kids can be dicks. She probably thought she was being hilarious.

But yes you are being over sensitive. The mother handled it fine and you need to move on now.

YABU.. if you think your daughter is perfect, you'll be very disappointed!

If that broke your heart, you're going to need to toughen up.

You do sound like one of those parents that thinks their DC never do a thing wrong!

I am not with my daughter 24/7 so wouldn't know if she has said something that embarrassed another, but if she did it in front of me, I would call her out. No matter her age.

That was my point. Your husband said she would never do that. But she probably has or will or has done something similar. And would be naive to think she wouldn't as your husband believes.

But what would you even say to the other mum? The 11 year old didn’t do anything wrong. No one did.

You don't know what happened after you left; it's quite possible that the other mum spoke to her daughter about the incident. Just leave it be.

Massively overthinking. The older sister may have suspected one of her siblings and this kind of teasing may be quite normal between them.

If it happens again don't say anything asking your dd if she pood and if she flushed is probably most embarrassing. I would have left and then reminded dd in private to flush.

I think you are being far upset at the other child and I can't see what further discussion is needed with that family. If dd mentions it reassure her it isn't a big deal as you already have done.

Also being embarrassed is often subjective, people can embarrass others by accident. Of course we should be mindful of peoples feelings but building up dd to deal with feeling embarrassed when she does is probably more important for your child who already has the considerate/thoughtful skills.

💩👹?

Update.
I decided after all the comments to leave it as it was and not dwell on it longer or bring it up with the mother.

For clarification;
I asked if I was being over sensitive because I know that children are oblivious at times to what they say.
I am not naive to my daughters comments that may upset others and I also am aware she may do things wrong and that was my issue - the mother not calling out the 11year old there and then as I would have. You know, if you don't have anything nice to say...

Anyway, the mother approached me at pick up and apologised for her daughters words and the way she said it. She wanted to check on my daughter as she saw herself how upset she was. We agreed that kids can be arseholes and although her 11 year old was making a joke, somethings are not for joking about. I explained the toilet issue we had in the infant school and the mother understood a little better why my daughter was upset. Again a reminder to be kind.

This parenting gig is hard and I'm still learning. Usually I don't witness this sort of thing and hear about her antics on the walk home from school.

Lessons learnt, kids can be right arseholes and we're all winging it.

Night and I'll leave with this - if you can be anything in this world, be kind.

Honestly, leave it. The other mother handled it well; likely as not, she’ll have a word with her older child about making guests feel comfortable. It’s kids. No harm done. Just speak to your daughter about leaving loos the way she’d like to find them if possible and let it be.

Ah - cross post! Glad you sorted it out.

The other mum sounds great. I'm not sure why you've reacted so badly to common sense posts here advising you to leave it, and where the 'be kind' stuff fits in. Hopefully, now it's sorted, you can be more relaxed in future.