Lost myself... Being just Mummy!

[Jollyholly100]

Hi,
I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and god it's such hard work!
I feel like I've completely lost myself as a person, I'm just mum to these little humans.
I've lost all confidence, self esteem at an all time low, I don't want to go out and socialise so baby groups are a no go.
Struggling with my new job as I'm Just not confident anymore.

When does this get better? I love them both dearly but everyday is hard work just seeing to the kids, that I get forgotten about.

Starting to work on losing the weight from having them, so that will help.
When do you start feeling like your own person again, please tell me it gets easier as they get older....!?

you need to make time to be your own person, do you have a partner around?

Mine are 5 and 1 and the little one doesn't sleep well. I work full time which gives me the socialisation time to be me again - the person who has a purpose.

I run or do yoga twice a week, DH plays golf once a week. I meet up and go for a meal with friends one Sunday a month - what things did you do and like doing before kids?

I have similar aged kids (6 & 1). Do you have a nice group of friends (or even just 1 or 2) from pre children? I honestly find meeting up with friends, (with our kids, but ideally without!) always makes me feel more like my old self. We do talk about our kids a bit but we mainly talk about other stuff which helps snap me out of 'mummy mode'. We also message a lot when we're not able to meet up which helps keeps our connection going.

Date nights with my dh help too. Doesn't even have to be out and about, sometimes we just share a bottle of wine and chat / watch a film together when the kids are in bed...

I work part time and I think work helps too. When I'm working I forget I'm 'mummy' for a short time and feel energised from using my brain and speaking to other adults! Hopefully you'll be successful in your job hunt, but appreciate it's hard when you feel like you've lost your confidence. Could you maybe volunteer somewhere in the short term to help you get used to being back 'out there'? Maybe just a morning a week or something might help?

I lost 3 stone last year (still have a bit more to go) but it has made me feel more like myself being able to start fitting into my old clothes again. I think it's just psychological, but I do refer to them as 'clothes I wore before I had DD' - so see them as pre baby me.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you really are still 'you', you're just in the thick of being a mum too which can be so tough. It will get better, hopefully soon 🤞🏻.

My partner is around but he's doing 49 hour weeks. He's out the house 7 30 - 5, and every other Saturday morning.
So by the time he's home, we've sorted tea and got the kids settled I'm knackered!

It was a bit easier in the summer with the lighter nights as I could go off for a bike ride or a walk at 7.30/8pm.

I started the gym but just feels like there's no time to go.
Think I will start couch to 5k alongside the healthy eating.
I didn't really have any hobbies before kids either, apart from cross stitching, which was an isolating hobbie anyway!

@Aria2015 I am working, Im doing one night in the week, and one weekend shift as a nurse. I returned from maternity leave 3 weeks ago. But in a new trust as we moved 2 hours away on Mat leave.
So with the move, comes completely on my own with the kids.
Never been good at having friends and the few I met from my first born, have faded away since I moved.
I was hoping the job would get my confidence but I just hate going, I'd rather be hibernating away from people at the moment.
Small steps I guess! Keep pushing myself to get out there.

I don't want to go out and socialise so baby groups are a no go

Apologies, but have you addressed why this is? I can only speak personally, but getting out the house to toddler groups/soft play/library sessions keep me going on my days off with 20 month old DS (I also really, really struggled with the loss of identity, especially in his first year). It makes the day go quicker, DS is just so much easier when he’s had a good play and the little chats I have with other parents remind me I’m not the only one going though this. Being stuck in the house made my mental health far worse.

@AliceW89 because I'm so socially awkward. The thought of going and talking to strangers just gives me huge anxiety.
We do soft play, and I'm Always taking them out for walks, beach walks etc.
But the thought of going and managing 2 children alongside trying to talk to people, just makes it hard for me.

My eldest is going to be in nursery 4 days so I'm going to try just taking the youngest to a few groups.

You could go out when dh gets in at 5pm or shortly after
Go for the baby groups - it will do you good. I felt awkward but it’s healthy to get out. Could you go for a swim or a walk? Have the kids fed and Dh dinner ready (you could have yours early or reheat when you get it) even twice a week on set nights?

My eldest is going to be in nursery 4 days so I'm going to try just taking the youngest to a few groups

Good idea, I really hope this works out for you. Isolation is really tough

We go out for our runs/golf in the evening/weekend mornings

I live quite near to work and so today for example I've popped home on my lunchbreak and hung out the wash I put in this morning and set dinner off in the slow cooker - this means when we all get home at around 5:40 there's not much to do and we will all sit down at 6 together to eat.

DH does the clearing down while I bath the kids at 7, baby asleep by 7:45, big one asleep by 8:15ish.

We go to bed for 10, so have just under 2 hours 'free' together, this is where I will run in summer or do yoga in winter - DH plays golf on a Saturday morning.

We both work 5 days and are all out of the house from 8-5:30 every day.

Rather than a structured baby group (Ihated these organised fun type things)are there any drops in stay and play type ones in local church halls? I found a wonderful one locally when DS1 was a baby, run by volunteers from the church, you paid £2 and got a cup of tea and a biscuit and it was so much less formal

My 2 are similar ages and have been feeling like this too. I’m hoping it’s just a little phase. I did find seeing friends prior to and over Christmas with and without the kids made me feel more like me again. I’ve been taking an hour before bed to just sit and read for a change as I used to do this all the time pre kids. Hoping the new year gives me a kick up the butt with the diet and exercise. Was going to start small with some 15/20 mins guided work outs in the house as it’s easier to fit in than a real life class. My oldest is back properly to nursery this week which definitely helps take the pressure off constantly coming up with the plans and activities on my own!

@Jollyholly100 it's like we're the same person! I read your first post and felt like I could have written it, kids same age too. Then reading the thread we also have a similar hobby and the same career! I guess you can take some comfort in knowing that you're not alone in feeling this way ❤️ I return from mat leave next week and hoping I may feel more myself then (although I really don't want to go back!). Maybe when you've settled in your new job, things will improve and you'll find your confidence