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Parenting

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Original poster

Children not wanting to see their dad

11 replies

chamomilesleepytea · 04/01/2022 22:32

Sorry this is long. My children are 9 and 6 and me and my ex have been divorced almost 5 years. My children saw their dad every other weekend, half terms and some school collections until covid hit and then it wasn't as much due to reasons out of our control, but we worked together to find solutions and it was still a good relationship for the kids. We co parented well and used to have occasional days out or he would come in for a cup of tea at drop off and it was very civil. I noticed last year things really changed with how he was acting around me and him not wanting to see the kids as much. I questioned this and was told it was all in my head and I assumed maybe it was and didn't bring it up again. My ex told me a few weeks later that he was with someone and it turns out it did co inside with his behaviour change to me and the kids. I was happy he had met someone and was hopeful he would start to see the kids more. 7 months later they moved in together, but he's now dropped to having the kids every other weekend one night and doesn't see or contact them between. I've tried to encourage him to see the children more, but he just doesn't seem interested unfortunately. The children are now saying they don't want to stay at daddy's house and they have to go in their room a lot and be quiet so he can watch tv with his partner. My oldest has said he's not like her old daddy anymore. I'm not sure what to do as my heart in breaking for my kids, but I don't want to meddle either. It's such a shame as I really thought we had this co parenting thing worked out. Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

Nsky · 04/01/2022 22:45

Let them choose, it’s down to him his changed behaviour

dotdotdotdash · 04/01/2022 22:51

You know personally I’d have words with him about it as it sounds like he is letting them down. It’s obviously at the risk of getting a bad response from him, but your post just made me feel really sad for your children. He is neglecting them and it’s not rightX

Original poster

chamomilesleepytea · 04/01/2022 22:56

@dotdotdotdash

I've asked him so many times to be more involved. I've said he's always welcome to call them and has the oldest on FaceTime. I've asked to collect from school and as he works shifts so he could and has, but so far that's happened once in September when I had to beg when I was really stuck. I don't want to force the kids over there if they don't want to, but I also don't want to be a parent that is stopping the kids from having a relationship with their dad. I just don't know what to do and my heart breaks for them.

OP posts:

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EasyBreezy · 04/01/2022 23:05

Would your eldest be able to write a letter to their Dad about how they feel or about what they miss about the time they spend with their Dad. Ive done this before and it made my child feel better to indirectly communicate their feelings and because it came from my child i think (fortunately) it worked and made their Dad consider the childs view without my getting in the middle.

gogohm · 04/01/2022 23:09

Tell him what they told you, tell him that he will regret dropping contact. I say this from experience - exh's dad stopped contact (more complicated and back then men were discouraged) and they struggled to have a meaningful one when they reconnected many years later, he doesn't really know his half siblings because they weren't interested having not been brought up with them, so sad.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 04/01/2022 23:09

also don't want to be a parent that is stopping the kids from having a relationship with their dad.

But youre not. He doesnt want one. Save your children the pain and dont encourage him being involved.

SidSparrow · 04/01/2022 23:11

I think you say to him that they don't want to stay there, and that as their mother you support their decision. However, you strongly urge him to make more of an effort to try and repair the relationship he has. So, for a while, instead of staying there, they have day trips and do stuff together. And if and when they want to stay over again then assess it at the time. In other words, let them take a step back but be looking to move forward for a change. If he's not keen then I think that reflects badly on him and perhaps then I'd be seeking legal advice for full custody. And if you see this happening i.e. approaching full custody, then I would begin keeping a record of events, conversations.

Original poster

chamomilesleepytea · 05/01/2022 13:42

@EasyBreezy

That's a possibility and not something I had thought of. Thank you

OP posts:

Wreath21 · 05/01/2022 13:45

I would suggest you send this selfish, fanny-struck loser one email or letter outlining the fact that his children are disappointed and now reluctant to see him, then leave it up to him to make the next move.
Comfort your DC in age appropriate ways (try not to slag him off to them too much) and keep them as happily busy with things as you can.
Chasing a relationship for them with an unreliable father will just upset them more.

Lucked · 05/01/2022 23:48

Yes I agree one email about how he is letting them down and he is losing his relationship with them. Let him know what his daughters are saying.

Put it in writing so he can’t dismiss or later claim he was unaware of problems.

joycerousselot · 30/04/2023 17:08

This is really tricky. If none of the arguments you have put forward have made any difference then there's no point in talking it over with him. I have no idea about the legalities of child custody but if they aren't feeling welcomed then I think they should have the option not to. Do you think this could be coming from the new partner?

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