4 year old seems unconfident socially

[MalteaserMama]

Our 4 year old is very confident at home, bossy and trys to rule the roost.

Outwith the house she is incredibly shy & lacks confidence in speaking to other children. Last winter, before she went to nursery she had no problem approaching other children at the park to make friends..
now she doesn't have the confidence at all to do so. I have managed to get her into a weekly dance class (parents aren't allowed in so don't know how she is once there) and I have searched the Internet last night to find more clubs for her so hopefully hear back from them soon 🤞 we are also planning on keeping her in nursery for an extra year as feel she is too young, unconfident & small to go in August.

We don't have any friends or family in the area with children the same age to socialise outwith nursery.

We don't have anything to compare this to so I am really unsure if it is normal behaviour or not??

Hi OP, this seems completely normal to me. Some 4yos will be happy to play with strange children in the park but others won't. How is she at nursery with children she knows? Can the staff tell you? I'd be more worried if she is struggling with friendships at nursery.

My DD was a bit like this at 4. She was also an August baby. She went to school the month after she turned 4. I was a bit worried but but she totally took off. It was a real turning point for her. She loved school and now is in year 2 with lots of friends. They are still learning social skills at this age and many of them lack confidence.

My son is 4 now and a total chatterbox, the opposite to my daughter (but has an older sibling, which I think probably has made the difference!) We went to a 4th birthday party on Saturday and I would say there were 3 or 4 kids who I didn't see speak to another child the whole time!

@SmallElephant

Hiya thanks for your reply. She seems to struggle at nursery also. Whenever I ask the girls (teachers) they say she's been fine all day and has friends. But at home she tells us no one played with her all day 😥 there was an older girl when she first started which she really didn't get on with and I don't know if that's knocked her confidence. She's also always saying one of the boys hits her and isn't nice. I've flagged this with the nursery but she was still mentioning it before the Christmas holidays. I'm wanting to move her nursery also as I know most children flourish at nursery but I can't see it my DD. I'm hoping to move her to a nursery within a school setting which is closer and will have children who may be her school classmates if that makes sense. Sorry I think I'm rambling on.

My 4yo often says he didn't play with anyone at preschool yet I've collected him from the garden and he's playing with a big gang of kids. 🤷

I think they get more set ideas about friends at this age, I've noticed DS won't always want to play with other children at the playground - he seems to think younger ones are a hindrance (though ironically he was obsessed with joining in with bigger kids when he was 2), sometimes he just wants to go on the playground and do his own thing. He made a friend the other week purely based on the fact they were wearing the same shoes.

All sounds completely normal! Most kids have played with no one and done nothing all day when asked. Not normally true.

Also we tell kids not to speak to strangers and then worry when they won't play with unknown children at the park!

Mine was very shy when she started school weeks after her fourth birthday, but she was so ready in every other way. She settled very quickly and soon made some friends, although not close friends. She's 17 now, and has always been the same.

It is normal for a 4yo to be more shy than they were at 2, they are more aware of social rules and who their family is etc. my dd was very shy at 4 and started reception the month after she turned 4. By December she had found her feet in the class, made a couple of really good friends and started to thrive. We just let her take things at her own pace. Even now age 8 she will take a minute to herself, watch the other dc play and then join in when she has sorted out what is going on, but she has lots of lovely friends and is doing very well at school.

OP I am a bit confused, you say your Dd is 4 and at nursery (so born Sep-Dec otherwise she'd be at school) then you talk about keeping her back, or have you already held her back ? Is that why she isn't getting on because the others have gone to school ? My Dd was a bit like this (October born, tall and mature she could have done with going to school at 3 years 10 m, not helped by the fact she was at nursery from 5m old).

OP, may have got this wrong but I understood that you could only hold summer born children back from school for a year? If she's already 4 then I'm not sure how you have this option, otherwise she would have to miss reception and go straight year 1.

Sorry I should have said, she just turned 4 just a couple of days before Christmas (December 2017 baby) so she can be differed until next August (2023).

Thanks so much to everyone that's responded. It's sometimes so hard to know where to turn and I appreciate all the responses

I'm assuming you're in a different country OP. Certainly not the case in England where she will be one of the oldest in her cohort.