Ex partner - how many holidays?

[shirella1]

My 8 year old son see's his dad on a regular basis, every othr w/end from Friday night until sunday afternoon. We have always tried to agree on things for his sake and I have never stopped him from seeing Ben. He usually has him for a few days over xmas, 1-2 weeks over summer hols, and odd few days here and there over other half terms (to help me out as I work). Last summer he took him to Disney land, then me and DH took him to USA. Now ex he wants to take him to thailand in january and then him AND a friend to cuba next summer! How many holidays a year does 1 kid need?? Am I being selfish if I put my foot down to just one per year? I am now preg. again with DH and ex seems to be trying to spoilt DS even by expensive hols, PS2 games and letting him stay up late.
Any advise?

Why do you want your ds not to go?

I think it's great that your son's father is so involved in his life and wants to share these fantastic experiences with him. Not to mention, you get a break.

As a single parent whose kids don't have a father, I fail to see what the problem is, sorry.

I can see how it may be hard for you if the ex is constantly being the exciting fun one who takes him away to exotic locations and you are "just" the day to day person. It sometimes doesn't seem fair and you feel like you want some of the fun too. However on a positive note it may give you a nice break to concentrate on the new addition to your family? It may also be v hard to be the one to say no to your son...

Totally agree with Kate.

It's nice for a dad to stay involved with his son, and enjoy nice experiences.

That came out a bit wrong - I mean all kids .. sons and daughters.

What I mean - it's good for him to think so much of his son. There are some 'dads' that don't want to know. Fortunately, my children's dad does want to know!

My stepdaughter's stepfather is very rich. They have a huge house, more luxurious holidays and more stuff. She still loves her dad just as much. I honestly think it's not worth getting paranoid just because your ex is treating your son to nice (and rather exciting and original!) holidays. He won't love you less.

It's great that your ex wants to do this and fantastic for your ds. It means he gets to have loads of experiences that other children just don't get the chance to have and you get the chance for a break. Your ds won't like you any less because you can't take him on two holidays a year and make him go to bed on time.

Actually, my mind is thinking along the lines of DillyDally's message. It's not that I want to stop DS from having lovely holidays and I am prouD of the fact that his dad dotes on him. I just hate being the boring day-to-day person, while dad is the exciting fun person. I wish I could offer him more! And the more time he spends with his dad, the worse his behaviour and manners get (I also miss him loads when he's away)

I forgot to explain that ex is actually not a very nice person, who been charged with fraud and gbh, and has been verbally and emotionally abusive ib the past (but not like this to his DS.) I used to worry about DS being with him, but he has reformed a lot. But I sometimes feels like he uses it to his advantage. He doesnt have a clue about manners, stability, the importance of getting homework done - he has no friends of his own and trys to be best mates with DS, hence the late nights and nice holidays.

What does your ds want? Do you really think your ex (who admittedly doesn't sound great) is a risk to your ds? I really do not think that children stop loving a parent because they have less materially - otherwise we'd never see my stepdaughter! Half the holidays is a pretty usual set up these days. I think as long as the holidays aren't too long, don't put your son at risk and aren't too frequent then maybe he should still go. I can understand missing him - I'd miss my son terribly too. My my dh also misses his daughter. It's always tough, I think. And tougher if you don't get on (in your case with good reason) with your ex.

Have to agree with the others. And if your ds is 8 and he's only staying weekends and holidays with his dad, then I don't think the lack of homework enforcement or late nights are really that big a deal. Your ds will not love you any less because you don't give him as fancy holidays as his father. And he isn't going to love his dad more because he is less strict. I suspect that in times of real need, and when he has something truly special to share, you will be the one he wants to share it with because you are the responsible reliable person in his life. Enjoy the fact that your ds's father wants to be in his life, which has to be good for him (as long as ex is truly a reformed character....it is possible - my dh had a truly checkered past and is a wonderfully responsible father and husband now). And with a new baby coming, you will probably really appreciate the break.

Just a word of caution: with a new baby coming, it's very important that your DS doesn't feel pushed out of the family. It's great that your DS gets to go to Cuba, but he might feel a bit ambiguous about it if he comes home and finds a cuckoo in the nest whose taking all his Mum's attention.

Yes, your ex is playing the game of Aren't I a great dad because I don't do boring things like food, homework, manners, routine and discipline, I do playstations and Disneyland, but as long as your DS comes back to a loving and secure environment, where the boundaries are obvious, Dad's place is always going to be the exotic other, rather than real life. On the whole, your ex sounds like the type of guy who does exotic other rather better than real life, and in fact encouraging him to see more of DS might make him realise that abdicating the father role in favour of indulgent older friend, makes his life more difficult in the long run, as he'll have an embarrasingly badly-behaved child. But the seeing more has to be weighed against your DS's need for security - he's not got to feel that he's being palmed off on Dad so that Mum's new family get together without him.

Bit rambling, but hope this helps.

Shirella1- AS far as numeropus holidays in a year goes I can't really see the problem as long as they don't interfere with school etc. Some years my DD has gone on 3 holidays aborad with a week away in the Uk also, this is due to me taking her, her father taking her and my mum taking her.

The only rule I have with her fater is that if I don't see the place as been fit for a child of her age then she doesn't go. i.e he wanted to take her to Las Vegas last year but she was six and I didn't think it was suitable coinsidering he is a gambler and would want to go to the casinos.

He is taking her to Mexico next summer, but as we are living in Cyprus at the mo I won't be taking her on hols.

When is your baby due, my DS was born in June and DD went to her dads 2 weeks before he was due, I explained that the baby could arrive whilst she was there. I asked f she wanted me to tell her but she said no I want a suprise. Lukily DS didn't appear until she came back.
Hope this makes sense