Adjusting to 2 children

[LouiseS0510]

Finding it difficult to adjust to having 2 children. Dc1 is 3yrs 4 months and DC2 is just 2 weeks old. Since bringing dc2 home dc1 has been very testing. I’m not sure if it’s a mixture of new baby, dad being off work and the chaos of Xmas
And her being out of routine but both dad and
I are exhausted with her behavior, sleepless nights (from 3 year old not newborn) and tantrums. Trying to be firm but having no effect. Trying to be cautious that her world has changed and giving her lots of my attention but if anything it’s making her worse. She won’t let dad do anything with her, just wants mum all the time when I’m around! She’s up 3-4 times In the night until I get in with her. I’m just totally exhausted, I don’t know what I’ll do when dh goes back to work next week! It’s even causing abit of friction between dh and I, as I feel he gets the easier part of parenting with the newborn who is a dream at the moment, feeding well and sleeping 3-4hours. While I get the tantrums, screaming and hitting from the three- going on 13 year old

I've got a similar gap and it's hard in the early days, and we didn't have the added chaos of Christmas. I think there's a line to be drawn with the attention from you, you're recovering, need rest and to bond with baby, you can't give the same level of attention as when you've only got one. Your DH needs to step up here and take over - my husband spent hours in the parks clutching a takeaway cappuccino with eldest DC during his pat leave (we were in lockdown and nothing was open), he did the night wakes, he dealt with the tantrums (I'd help if it got desperate), it's fine taking the baby but it doesn't sound like it's what you need right now.

When you're on your own my best advice is a sling for the baby so you're hands free, if you get baby asleep do some playing with your eldest , don't worry about routine too much- one of my DCs best memories of that time is when I gave him baths in the afternoon because I'd run out of steam!

@Sausagesausagesausage thank you for your reply.

So glad to hear it isn’t just me finding the adjustment hard. I just feel like my daughter wants my attention more than ever and when baby is asleep I love spending time with her and playing and find I’ve a lot more patience. I do feel abit resentful that dh isn’t doing the lions share of occupying eldest, and feel he is happy to let me deal with the tantrums and occupying her cause it’s easier for him. He’s back to work next week so it will literally be me. I was in tears last night over the tantrums at bedtime and said I couldn’t cope and his reaction was neither can I… eldest is back at pre school on Wednesday when dh goes back to work so I’m hoping abit of normality will be good for us all, and I’ll have time to enjoy spending time with newborn without the toddler tantrums taking me away!

Wow,I could have written this! Also have a 3 week old and a nearly 4 year old and my eldest seems to want only me and is playing up more than usual. I’m breastfeeding so my DH can’t do night wake ups with the baby, but luckily we’ve only had a few night visits from the eldest. I honestly think it’s partly due to the chaos of Xmas, too much chocolate and junk food, and her being out of routine and off nursery as well. Husband is isolating so he can’t even take her out! She is back to nursery tomorrow so hope that will be good for her. I totally sympathise though, I am taking every moment when the baby is asleep/awake but quiet to play with her, and then when I’m busy explain to her clearly that mummy is busy go and find daddy, but she’s always back to me like a boomerang 😂. Also I involve her in baby care as much as possible, ie can you get a nappy, do you think she’s hungry? Etc. it’s so hard though, people always say it’s easier going from 1-2 than 0-1 child but that hasn’t been my experience so far.

I have no solutions for you but endless sympathy. I have a 4 yr old, 3 yr old and 6 month old and the 3 yr old is driving us to distraction at the moment.

Constant tantrums, screaming and night waking.

Christmas has definitely definitely been overwhelming for him, much more so than when his sister was born. So hopefully that is your issue too and thus will settle down.

We were overly sympathetic and appeasing the Christmas Day tantrums with extra attention because we felt sorry for him, which obviously reinforced the issue. We are now trying to address by only responding when he uses his words instead of screaming. And putting him in a different room when he's making a silly noise (a really terrible screaming noise but not actually upset).

Its brutal and sucks the life from you. He's starting nursery this week so that'll either make or break him!

@Worryworry887 glad to hear it’s not just me then. I feel lots better knowing other families are going through the same. I do understand it must be so strange for them to go from Centre of everyone’s attention to not being, it’s the clinginess to me which is hard to cope with when dad is literally there to help and she refuses, yesterday dh asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and she asked if I was coming, I said no cause I was feeding her brother and she then didn’t want to go! She just won’t leave me! Luckily for us our baby is so good and we don’t know he’s here half the time as he just literally eats sleeps poops repeats 😂 never really cries (unless sister has hold of him in a loving headlock). She is a great little helper and we always try to include her when we’re doing anything like cooking, baby care, cleaning. I think it’s just the lack of sleep getting to me and dh at the moment. If we can get her back sleeping through in her own bed this will be a massive improvement! I can handle the odd meltdown if I’ve had abit of sleep. But meltdowns in the middle of the night because she wants to go downstairs or get in our bed I can’t cope with.

Hopefully some kind of normality of pre school/work for dh will do us all good and I think we’ve just got to keep doing our best to include them by asking them to help with daily things if we can’t devote time to play. Today so far has been a better day. Hoping for more of these days.

@Muststopeating
I think the phrase of threenager is bang on! I was quite smug when I thought we skipped the terrible twos but threenager phase has been a nightmare!

She’s the same as your little one, One wrong word or a simple no to something sets her off screaming, crying, paddying. It’s so uncalled for sometimes. She’s so emotional, we have the naughty step but it’s painful listening to her scream more and more whilst on it, it doesn’t calm the situation down at all and she has no understanding of why she’s been put on it. I suppose their just at a funny age were their emotions are overwhelming.

I do think Christmas has played a massive part in it all. Shes been off nursery, daddy home, been getting presents and sweets off everyone. I feel sorry for the teachers at preschool dealing with a class full of threenager after 2 weeks of them getting their own way 🤣 I think nursery will defo help with your little one too. They have constant activities for them which we don’t have time to do and they’re interacting with other kids and probably won’t behave like they do for us. Staff at my daughters preschool don’t believe she’s bad for us cause she’s so good at preschool for them.

I'm the same and it is so tough! 2 week old and nearly 3 year old. 3 year old won't let daddy do much, I'm still recovering from csection so can't do too much with toddler. He's getting so restless and jealous and just overwhelmed which is making me feel the same. So sorry no advice but you're not alone

Hi OP, this was me in August! DD1 was 2.9 when DD2 was born, but has always been very mature for her age. We were so smug that we had a bright, kind, eloquent and well behaved toddler who had skipped the terrible twos. Present Mr & Mrs Timeturner now laugh hollowly at past Mr & Mrs Timeturner.

We thought at first that the screaming tantrums, sleeplessness and naughtiness were a result of her baby sister so went very very easy on her but now we think we’ve created a monster. I’m a primary teacher so have lots of experience with behaviour management but honestly she stumped me. We’re now onto being ridiculously firm but kind with rules, and hoping that starting preschool next week will help as she’s really really ready for the stimulation. Previously before mat leave she did four days a week at grandparents and one day a week at nursery, so maybe she’s missing the change of scene.

Good luck OP. We’re almost five months in now and have come to the conclusion that the behaviour is threenager not baby related. Hopefully it’s the other way round for you and short lived!