Explaining death to young children?

[Spainintherain]

I have a five year old and three year old and need to tell them that people die, ahead of a bereavement we are expecting. I am not sure how to go about it without upsetting them, especially if my eldest asks lots of questions. Has anyone got any advice about how to broach it? Thank you.

Surely they've come across death before even to animals or insects that you pass?
It's just like that
Keep it factual
So and so isn't very well and her might not get better

My DS started asking questions about death when he was 3, after he noticed the memorial plaques on the benches in the park. It wasn't a one-off explanation - the conversation has continued on and off for the last 18 months or so. But it was a good starting point. I'm always careful to answer his questions factually and straightforwardly and not use euphemisms that might confuse him. The advice I've heard other people give is never to say something like, the person has gone to sleep forever, because it can make them scared of going to sleep. DS asks questions, sometimes very insightful ones, sometimes crazy ones, sometimes ones that make him upset, but he will always abruptly change the subject when he's had enough. Recently, we've been talking about his "Great Grandma who died" a lot and he asked to visit her gravestone, so we did.

I'm sorry you're expecting a bereavement.

I think that trying to do it without upsetting then is a lovely idea but I wouldn't have that expectation. Death IS upsetting and maybe it's 'good' for them to be able to experience those feelings while with you, secure and able to ask questions, so they know it's ok to be upset...but also ok to ask for a biscuit 20 seconds later.

When my Dad died, DS was 4 and had seen him in various hospitals for months. We reminded him that grandad had been I'll and that it was really sad but the doctors weren't able to help him anymore so he had died end it meant we couldn't see him again. Feels quite blunt but it felt age appropriate.

Later on had little conversations about how to keep the person's memory with you and that it's ok to talk about them and remember stories EVEN if that might make you cry.

@purpleme12

Surely they've come across death before even to animals or insects that you pass? It's just like that Keep it factual So and so isn't very well and her might not get better

Not necessarily, no. Dead insects probably wouldn't register.

I would be honest that eventually our bodies stop working and the person we know/ loved is gone forever.

I don't believe in heaven, so wouldn't rely on that as such - but I do think it's probably sensible to explain that some people believe our soul goes to heaven, a lovely peaceful place where nobody feels pain or suffering anymore (whilst this isn't something I believe myself, I can see how children would get comfort from it, and it gives them the option of believing in afterlife without pushing it on them).

But I would also stress that either way (heaven or no heaven) the person doesn't need their body any more and that we, the friends and family, make special arrangements to turn what's left of their body into dust/ earth. There was some confusion in our family when my niece was told our aunt had gone to be an angel in the sky, but then she heard about the burial and got upset because she thought her Mum had lied to her about the sky. Kids are so sharp, you need to cover all bases in my experience.

Best wishes OP

It's different for each child, but generally keep it factual is a good approach I think. Whilst also reassuring them that they don't need to be afraid every illness leads to death etc, if they're prone to take things quite literally.

With our young dc, we explained that when someone dies, they become part of the universe and the stars again, just like they were before they were born.

How awful, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would go into it with the expectation that they might not really ‘get’ it, so might not appear as sad as you would expect or might need it explaining more than once, because to a little child the idea of dying is just not in their understanding.

I would maybe say something simple and not too sad if possible, like ‘you know nana has been sick and she is very unwell, and we think she will die. Even though we won’t see her we’ll still love her and talk about her/think about her etc.’ Not the same at all but when our dog had to be put to sleep we just said she was very sick so she would die, but we would look at photos of her and always remember her and how much we love her. For ages after my dd (only small at the time) still asked when we would get our dog back.

I don’t know if you’re a religious family. We aren’t but I know friends talk about ‘granny is in heaven and we talk to her’ which is obviously different if you’re a religious person.

There are also some books to deal with bereavement for children. The goodbye book and the paper dolls both mention death. Sometimes I think it can be easier for them to understand it when it’s fictional first.

Again I’m so sorry and hope you’re well. It’s hard enough to be losing someone without having to explain it to young kids.

How close is the bereavement? Keep things factual but don’t hide your emotions and make it clear it’s ok to be sad about it.

I would also say you should let go of the idea you can do it without it being upsetting - I totally understand wanting to do that but it might be easier to reframe it as ‘it is upsetting and that’s okay.’ It’s so hard to think of your kids being hurt by this but that’s what grief is and I don’t think there’s any neat way to explain it away that will allow them to grieve with no pain. That’s part of the love you had for that person.

In terms of exactly what death is, I said "their body doesn't work any more" (he wanted it all listing: their arms don't work, their ears don't work, their tummies don't work, they stop thinking or feeling hungry etc etc) and explained that people put dead bodies under the ground so we can't see them any more (recently we've also talked about burning someone's body to turn it to dust, called ashes). Things like that sound blunt to me, but DS accepts it all, as long as I'm clear and consistent.

NC for this
It depends on what approach you choose to take.

Our DS (4 years old) has devastatingly lost a few people the last few months.

We tell him that the person goes to heaven, we don't get to see them anymore, but they watch down over us and live in our hearts.
After initially reaction of being scared and crying every time I left him for about a week, he talks a little bit about it now.

He was crying at school for the first time ever, they were great, but it needs to be talked about and the person who's passed still needs to be talked about and remembered,

I lost my dad recently and I have a 3 year old. It was quite sudden so no way to prepare her for losing her grandad. There is an episode of Daniel Tiger that deals with lose, I think it starts with a fish dying but she watched that a few times and it seemed to help her understand. We explained that Grandad's body had stopped working as he was old and poorly and we wouldn't be able to see him anymore. We kept it very simple and factual. It will depend on what you believe happens after death, to us he was just gone, nothing after. We didn't offer a ton of info and just waited for questions, I assume there will be more as the years go on. I never hide from her that I get sad and I miss him and we look at photos and videos a lot.

Explain its fine for them to be scared, sad, angry and that everyone deals with grief differently, but most importantly keep talking.
They massively need to know their emotions are valid and ok,

Our DS said he was scared of mummy dying, scared of me leaving him, he even asked if it was because he didn't love them enough and they died. So all these crazy thoughts go through their head, but they need them to be talked about and reassured about those around them.

I always say we will never lie to our kids, but in this instance I did, I told him I would never leave him, but seeing him so distressed, he needed that at that time, so I told him,

Yes, I'd go with factual. Sometimes people's bodies stop working, so they die. Doctors can try to make them better but they can't fix everyone.

When my MIL died my DS was nearly 3. I called Winston’s Wish (the charity) and received some useful advice over the phone on how to talk to him about it - might be worth giving them a try.

My grandad died when my dc were 4 and 2. The 4 year old had a great relationship with him so had to deal with it head on. Dgd was sick for about 2 weeks so ds visited him and we explained he was very sick (we didn't realise he was dying at the time but it was good for both of them anyway to see each other). Then when he died we explained that his body had been too old and sick to fight the illness, he was gone now, we wouldn't be able to see him any more and it was totally okay to be sad, that we were all very sad. We told him that just because his dggd was gone didn't mean we'd forget about him, and we do talk about him still often, 2 years later. We always focus on the good, the lovely memories and relationship, and acknowledge that it's sad and we miss him.

There is a Judith Kerr book called, I think, Mog Dies, that might be very helpful.

DS started getting interested in death at 2.5 because of dinosaurs. They're an excellent start because all of them died. We go over and over it and some things upset him, like the fact that the baby dinosaurs died too. But some things cheer him up, like the fact that although they died, we can see the skeletons in the museum.

We also love Paper Dolls by (inevitably) Julia Donaldson. There's a bit where you can see her memory of a kind granny.

That all really helped when his grandad died. We also talk about cemeteries when we go past as peaceful places where you can talk to people who have died.

When I was about 5 my great-aunt died unexpectedly while staying at our house. Before the undertakers came my father took my brother and me upstairs to see the body. It was the custom in the place where he grew up. Though unusual now, I think it was a good thing because it took the mystery of it away and we could see that she really was not alive any more.

One thing to remember is that kids won't think about it constantly, it'll randomly come up when you least expect it and minutes after they're sad (and when everyone else is still sad), they might be chatting and laughing. When my son was 3 a little girl in his class died and they got a grief counselor in and he was very upset every day coming home from preschool. I think it probably did them a disservice being in a group setting and he could have done with me or dh being about. It was a tough one as we basically had to tell him that sometimes life is unfair and convince him he'd be okay . When dhs dad died we told the kids he was very old and sick and it was very sad and we think about him a lot but it's nice to talk about him and remember him. I believe in some form of heaven so I told them I believe he'll see his family up in heaven (we've spoken since about how some people believe and others don't and either way is fine). Sorry you're going through a sad time

We have recently had alot of experience of this as sadly my dad passed away last month and we have a daughter who is 4.
My advice would be to make sure you're honest, even though that might make you feel uncomfortable at times with the responses they give, but try to keep your explanations and answers as concise as possible.Not sure of your situation, but we said that her grandad had died because his heart was not working anymore because his body had got very old.She wasn't close to him and had barely seen him often for a long time due to covid plus him being in and out of hospital, and she didn't ever show any upset herself, just picked up on ours and was quite unsettled due to that i think.But she did ask ALOT of questions, some of which were very matter of fact and hard to take such as 'will grandma marry someone else' (luckily not in front of my mum!) 'When you, daddy and Pippa (her sister) die will I be all on my own' and ' when my cousins die will I get new ones', all at random times of day too.It can be shocking how matter of fact they can be, and tough to know how to answer some of the questions, but handling it in an honest but sensitive and reassuring way is key in my experience.We did have to try to hold back from talking about it all in front of her for a while as I could tell she was struggling to understand and becoming worried about it all, but we still were open to answering her questions and allowed her to see our upset to a certain extent, and be involved in saying goodbye as she went to the burial and laid flowers and knows he is in the ground in his 'special box' and isn't traumatised by being a part of that and has moved on from all the questions now.

Sorry you are expecting a loss of someone close...thoughts are with you :(

We lost my gran when my daughter was 3, she adored her great gran, they were two peas in a pod. She was in and out of hospital a lot and we took her and her then 1yo brother in to visit (just before covid was a thing). We talked about how Great Gran was old and had lived a long life and seen and done lots of things. My Gran took part in these conversations and told her stories. And I was honest but in an appropriate way and told her that sometimes when people have had enough time here they pass on, their body gets buried back in the earth and who they are goes up to become a star in the sky and whenever she is upset or worried she can look out the window or go outside and speak to Great Gran because she's there watching over us all and knows how much we love and miss her. We are 2 years on and occasionally she still asks about her and she speaks to great gran in the sky if something worries her.
I hope this helps x

My beloved grandmother died 6 months ago and my 4 year old DD was very close to her. We are still fielding daily questions about why people and animals die. I think at this age she is struggling to understand that death is forever. I've ordered a book called the Memory Tree, which is a story a group of animals being sad when their friend fox dies.

I think there will be tears from both of us (again), but I'm hoping the story will deal with some aspects that I haven't approached and will give DD chance to ask more questions.

We put a picture of my grandmother in a snow globe and my DD likes to look at that, I sometimes find her sleeping with it.

I've learnt that I am grieving, my daughter is grieving too and we can help each other grieve together. Be aware that sometimes the questions can come from nowhere though!

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I lost a close relative last year to cancer and I spent a long time worrying about how my kids would take it. They took it a lot better than expected. They had seen them and knew they were ill so it wasn't a shock. I explained it very matter of factly, not every one gets better and people of all ages die.

I didn't try to explain it all or give them definite answers to questions that don't have definite answers. When they asked what happens to someone who died, I told them I didn't know but I believed their spirt lives on. I then asked them what they thought happened and I think that helped them make sense of it better.

I agree with others that it is better to let them see your grief and don't hide it from them. I let my kids see me cry and I told them I missed my sister. I told them I didn't have all the answers and I didn't understand it either.

All the advice about keeping it factual is good. There is a very simple picture book by John Birmingham called "Grandpa" which you might find useful. I'm really sorry that you a facing a difficult time OP. My MIL died very suddenly when my daughters were young and they swung from normal happy play to tears each day.