Lost it with my son tonight, guilt ridden and upset

[Bella1329]

DS is 3 years old, about to turn 4 and I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant.

I feel like I could write a list as long as my arm of reasons why I'm not coping well at the minute. My partner would call these reasons "excuses" and tell me to try harder to be better, but I'm doing the best I can.

I'm not the most patient person at the best of times. I struggle numerous times a day with managing my anger and am ashamed to say I'm that "shouty" parent. I don't want to be. I try not to be but I am. Tonight I lost it, I shouted and I scared DS who cried a lot. I cried a lot and I apologised profusely and admitted that I was very naughty to lose my temper like I did. He's now fast asleep, as is my partner who has scalded me and I'm lying here googling how to be a better mummy or if the damage has already been done.

I'm on the waiting list for therapy, partner knows this. I'm just so worried for the future and guilt ridden with how my existence seems to be such a hindrance to both my son and my partner. He already prefers his dad, and it's no wonder really.

No real point to the rant so I apologise for that, just needed a safe space to vent. If anyone replies, thank you but I sincerely hope nobody else has felt as I do now. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Picking this apart a little - what you've actually done is shout at your three year old. Not ideal, but we've all done it. You're frustrated and overwhelmed, and it's got on top of you. I think it's good that you apologised to your son for the shouting, I think parents should model apologising when they've messed up, and your son needs to know that you are a human being with faults and limitations just like him.

Your bigger problem here is that you have a judgemental, sanctimonious partner who scolds and criticises you, belittles your difficulties as "excuses" and appears to be making your life harder and more unpleasant than it needs to be. "Try harder to be better" is not only an incredibly offensive and nasty thing to say to someone who is struggling, it's also pretty stupid. Is he generally stupid?

I doubt your son really prefers his dad. They do tend to save their big guns for Mummy (both of mine were rotters for me and pious for Daddy). It's because you're the centre of their world and they trust you utterly (and therefore anything which displeases them is your fault!)

for you, and a big hug. I hope you get the therapy soon, and that it helps you - and I'd have a think about that relationship and what that guy is really doing to you, if I were you.

Three year old children are hard work. So you lost it today and know you did. Tomorrow will be a better day.

When your child does something naughty for whatever reason, whether it be attention seeking or just in play or because he is bored, not doing as he is told... etc etc.., distract him with something else instead of getting angry.

Amongst my friends there are parents at the shouty end of the spectrum and those at the gentle parenting end of the spectrum. Apart from one of them, I have witnessed them all shout at a 3 year old and most of them have told me that at some point they’ve lost it and really shouted at them.

Obviously, it’s not good parenting but we are not Mary Poppins and sometimes what we know about good parenting goes out of the window fleetingly.

Please don’t beat yourself up about it. When I lose my temper with DD, once I’ve calmed down I tend to run through in my head the steps that led up to a) her behaviour b) me losing my temper and find the things I can manage differently next time.

If it’s any comfort, two of the most well adjusted young adults I know, who are confident, happy, polite, secure and have a lovely relationship with their family, were brought up by parents at the shouty end of the spectrum.

@sadpapercourtesan

Picking this apart a little - what you've actually done is shout at your three year old. Not ideal, but we've all done it. You're frustrated and overwhelmed, and it's got on top of you. I think it's good that you apologised to your son for the shouting, I think parents should model apologising when they've messed up, and your son needs to know that you are a human being with faults and limitations just like him.

Your bigger problem here is that you have a judgemental, sanctimonious partner who scolds and criticises you, belittles your difficulties as "excuses" and appears to be making your life harder and more unpleasant than it needs to be. "Try harder to be better" is not only an incredibly offensive and nasty thing to say to someone who is struggling, it's also pretty stupid. Is he generally stupid?

I doubt your son really prefers his dad. They do tend to save their big guns for Mummy (both of mine were rotters for me and pious for Daddy). It's because you're the centre of their world and they trust you utterly (and therefore anything which displeases them is your fault!)

for you, and a big hug. I hope you get the therapy soon, and that it helps you - and I'd have a think about that relationship and what that guy is really doing to you, if I were you.

Thank you for replying and your kind words. I know deep down I've done the right thing by apologising and explaining I made a mistake but I can't help but feel the damage is done as I'm generally a crappy parent at the best of times.

Daddy is much more fun, willing to play all the fun games, much more patient, the list goes on. He's also a lovely partner, incredibly intelligent and his attitude towards me admitting to struggling with my MH has surprised me. He's very understanding in general about issues such as this, but perhaps it's a bit different when it's so close to home. I don't know. He's also the most laid back person I have ever met, nothing phases him so he can't understand why I'm so highly strung.

I think he feels that I only open up to struggling when I've done something wrong and use any potential mental health issues as a way to avoid responsibility which is 100% not the case. I am dissapointed that even after pointing this out to him and admitting to struggling everyday, he still commented that I'm not trying hard enough. As you say, that doesn't help me at all.

I'm definitely doing to chase my therapy referral up and hopefully make some progress with taking care of myself so I can be a better parent. Thank you again💜

@Anordinarymum

Three year old children are hard work. So you lost it today and know you did. Tomorrow will be a better day.

When your child does something naughty for whatever reason, whether it be attention seeking or just in play or because he is bored, not doing as he is told... etc etc.., distract him with something else instead of getting angry.

Thank you. I am going to try. I've re-downloaded a few audio books to do with successful parenting and hopefully will be able to manage tomorrow a bit better.

How laid back is he? How much of the mental load is he taking on here?

Tell your partner straight - I had a bad parenting moment but I caught myself and I'm working on being more patient. I need you to support me in this. Please don’t tell me I’m not trying hard enough. It’s not helpful.
I had a phase where partly due to anxiety I was the shouty parent with DD. This was when relationship with exDH was bad. I took a parenting course to help myself. I learned to stop and say ‘I’m starting to get upset. I’m going to go out of the room and count to 10 and come back when i’m calmer.’ It helped as it modelled a coping strategy to DD and also did give me a little time out.
But the root of this was not parenting. It was anxiety from low self esteem.

@Theunamedcat

How laid back is he? How much of the mental load is he taking on here?

He does his fair share I think. I would say we're 50/50 on household chores, he does his fair share of childcare, we alternate food shops/weekly meal plans so pretty equal on that front. The mental aspect I would say tips slightly over to me, I do most of the planning. Thinking about it, if i don't bring it up, he probably wouldn't think to do it but overall he definitely pulls his weight.

I meant more in his attitudes he is laid back. Nothing phases him, he doesn't have an ounce of anxiety, and when he did suffer it was midly related to his job which he could control. He has patience of a Saint. He is the definition of spontaneous whereas I love a plan. He's just generally easy going so I think he struggles to see where I'm coming from but as has been pointed out, the one sided view isn't helpful to me at the minute

@NancyIris

Tell your partner straight - I had a bad parenting moment but I caught myself and I'm working on being more patient. I need you to support me in this. Please don’t tell me I’m not trying hard enough. It’s not helpful. I had a phase where partly due to anxiety I was the shouty parent with DD. This was when relationship with exDH was bad. I took a parenting course to help myself. I learned to stop and say ‘I’m starting to get upset. I’m going to go out of the room and count to 10 and come back when i’m calmer.’ It helped as it modelled a coping strategy to DD and also did give me a little time out. But the root of this was not parenting. It was anxiety from low self esteem.

I said very similar and his response was that he hates the word "support" and doesn't know what I mean. He isn't a doctor so can't understand. He wanted a list of things he can do to help but all i could say is I want him to help me, probably a bit vague but I really don't know how to elaborate.

Completely understand what you mean about it stemming from anxiety, I 100% have an anxiety disorder which manifests itself as anger and loss of control.

This is me. I've been through bad phases of shouting at my kids, they are quite challenging and it tends to happen when I'm highly stressed. On the bright side, it's taught my eldest how to apologise. After an outburst of rudeness or bad behaviour, he'll often come to me after he's calmed down to apologise, because that's what he's seen me do.

One helpful thing I've learned on a parenting course is to ask yourself - what difficult feeling is my anger covering up? You'll usually find that your child was provoking some other feeling in you (like fear of losing control, or fear that you are a bad parent) and your shouting is a way to try and avoid that bad feeling.

I can be shouty. I can also be v impatient and ranty. I'm still the favourite parent, cos I temper it with love and humour. It's when DON'T shout that they know they've really fucked me off. To the point where dh will say:
"I wouldn't go there, dc. You've really pissed her off this time. "

The most pissed off I've ever been was on a Sunday night when dd was about 5 or 6. I had to get in my car and go for a drive cos she'd pushed about every button I had and even shouting didn't cut it. Think it was one of those I want a bath/ won't have a bath situations.

List of things for DP who ‘doesn’t understand support’:
Say positive and affirming things to me.
Remind me of things I am good at.
Give me regular breaks on my own to recharge.
Offer to help with DS more as needed.
Listen without judging when I need to offload.