I used to like my children...

[enid]

Why are both my children being so difficult? The two-year old has started going bananas when put in her cot and I now have to sit with her until she goes to sleep - also if she wakes in the night. The nearly five year old is being the stroppiest, most difficult child from hell and whines and throws tantrums every 10 minutes. She has also become the world's pickiest eater which drives me even madder.

I used to quite like my children but now feel lost! Help!

Enid - First I want to tell you you're not alone. Yes, like you there are days when I feel really really fed up w my DD (and she's only 12 mos!) as much as I absolutely love her and enjoy her. Today is one of those days as she has a cold and is very fussy and not sleeping, etc, etc.

Anyway, I thought I might suggest talking to your GP or a nurse about the problems. Sounds funny, but we have had a lot of sleep issues with DD when I mentioned it to our HV during a routine check up she recommended that I work with a woman at the surgery. She is a child psychologist, which made me feel weird at first. But she reassured me that my little one is healthy and normal and doing well (which felt great!) And she also has helped us to figure out ways to help her sleep better. We have gone from 3-4 wakes per night to usually only one and from a cranky 1/2 hour napper to a cheerful 2.5 hour napper!!! And all this in 4 weeks. Plus, this woman has really been supportive to me and made me feel much better (tho that could also be the extra sleep).

Anyway, it's always worth a try. Great help if you can get it. HTH.

enid, you have my sympathy. But hang in there - I'm sure it's just a phase they're going through, it just comes hard when they're both going through one at once!

Regarding the picky eating - my DD (5 tomorrow!) is a very picky eater too. As a good eater myself I find this incredibly frustrating. However, I remember my now-7 y.o. DS going throught he same phase, and he now eats like a horse (how we're going to afford to feed him when he's a teenager, I just do not know...). So with DD I'm pursuing the same strategy as I did with DS - there's the food, that's what there is, if you don't want to eat it you don't have to, but there's nothing else. And remaining totally calm and matter-of-fact about it (that's the hardest part!). I refuse to have food issues become a big deal in my family - I went there with my mother, and I'm not having that with my kids. Plus, I figure a child won't deliberately starve themself.

But then, I'm a mean, hard mother . I make them clean their own football boots, and occasionally abandon them to the tender mercies of DH for days at a time while I go off sailing

Hang in there, they will become likeable again one day!

thanks, so helpful to read those replies.

I am sure its just a phase but we are all finding it really tough so I have rung my old hv (who was lovely) and hopefully she'll ring back tomorrow and we can set up an appointment.

azzie, I am trying to remain calm about the eating and that is brilliant advice thanks. Unfortunately I made soup yesterday for tea (took 40 mins) and when they both turned their noses up I burst into tears - errrm...not the calm approach to food I was going for

enid, I know how you feel and I've found myself worring just slightly about ds2 (just turned 2) as he is really stroppy, loads of tantrums, very difficult. I'm not finding it hard to like him but am questioning my parenting - am I doing enough with him, do I tell him off too much??

I'm sure it's none of these things though and it's just the start of those terrible twos!

Surely it wouldn't be normal to get through having kids without 'difficult' phases?

BTW, ds2 has suddenly turned picky too. He used to be like a human dustbin but now he just shakes his head and says 'no'. I think it's just because he knows he can and he's pushing his boundaries - I guess it's all just part of their learning.

Try not to worry!

re. the food thing: I've found that in times of stress, the less time I spend preparing meals, the better - makes me less bothered if it gets wasted. I recommend doing the simplest food you can, and even making use of ready-made stuff - it won't kill them - whatever it takes to take it easy on yourself and get you through this phase.

Hugs.

gobbldigook - its just so unlike both of them. They were like strangers to me yesterday. Dh and I had been away for the weekend (although dd2's sleeping probs started before this) so probably not in the best mood to tackle it. dd2 is more stubborn and tantrum-ish than her sister but usually so easygoing and cuddly.

cockle - good advice about the food thing. I do put too much emphasis on homemade stuff when I should probably buy stuff and make it easier on myself. Trouble is, that actually depresses me - seeing them eat ready made stuff.

Know what you mean about food Enid - wish mine would eat more home-cooked food but the fact is they love sausages and smiles, fish fingers etc. So with an 11wk old baby to deal with as well, I'm afraid I just can't handle an hour long battle at the dinner table at the moment. I just make sure they eat healthily otherwise - they eat lots of fruit and I always give them veg with whatever they eat for tea. Plus I buy the best sausages I can with the highest meat content possible - no crappy frozen ones

smiles! I had forgotten about them - they love them.

One of my big probs is that my childminder (who comes to my house for the 2.5 days while I work) CANNOT cook. I mean, she literally boils rice until it turns into mash. So I have to leave a meal ready for her to heat up in the micro, then I get back at 5pm just in time to have to cook tea. Its bloody stressful. I suspect she gives them sweets a lot too - I have tackled her this morning and made her promise not to give them any.

dh does that enid - if he looks after them while I go shopping or something I always come back and find empty choc button packets and then he gets all annoyed they won't eat tea!!

I try not to give them anything after 3pm but if really struggling they can have half an apple!

I'm not mean btw - I just want them to eat a meal!!!

Enid, you have my sympathies. I know I go through phases of hating my children's behaviour. The youngest is bugging me right now (well, not right now as he is having his nap). He 21 months old and has started screaming if things don't go his way. Normally he is the smiliest and sweetest natured child. Dh said last night "here come the terrible twos" and that is how you must see it - just a phase that will pass.
As for the foos issue, crikey I have been there and had the t-shirt crammed down my throat! I can only say that ds1 (aged 8) eats like a horse, ds2 (aged 6) is beginning to accept he must eat some food he doesn't like, dd (aged 4) ditto, and ds3 is just starting the no thank you to anything but biscuits (and woe betide me if I dare to put something healthy in front of him!) I recognise your frustration after you made soup yesterday. I remember making soup once, a long time ago. Never have since. You will find that gradually you can start to introduce new foods again: I now buy broccoli, sprouts, cauliflower, etc every week and it mostly gets eaten. All but ds1 still don't like these foods, but they know they have to eat it because I don't let them not eat it. However, I don't push my luck too often. I tried chili con carne at the weekend. No-one really liked the beans in it, so I just ate them all myself and calmly thought, right, I can't make that again for a few years...
You'll get through it. All two year olds have their moments, and your five year old is probably tired from school?

lonelymum

hard isnt it?

has 5 yr old started school resently?and what happens is you leave 2yr old to cry a while if feed clean and dry? as for picky eating the more you pay attention to in the more it will gone on i have found in my experience

fostermum - yes 5 year old has just started school, she seems quite happy there though. We did leave dd2 to scream one night and she did it for 40 minutes before I gave in and I am not doing it again!!!

enid, my DD has just started school and I've noticed a change in her behaviour. She does seem to be more stroppy than usual, and sometimes a downright madam. I'm putting it down to her being more tired than before - even though she used to go to nursery all day, they had more time for rest and quiet play than they seem to have at school - or maybe it's just that the school playground is bigger and she has more room to charge around than she did at nursery? Whatever.

I also think that, however well settled they seem (and DD seemed to take about 5 seconds to settle into school), it is a time of adjustment for them and that's bound to affect their behaviour to some extent.

Remember also that having a 2 year old in the house is stressful for everyone, including older siblings! I am eternally amazed at how well DS coped with DD when she was 2...

Lots of sympathy enid - kids are sooooo stressful. Going through similar things with my two DDs at moment (3.9). One in particular is so stroppy and angry - the naughty step just doesn't seem to work. She threw a book at her sister this morning, which hit her on the head.
My gut instinct was to yell at her but I calmly tried to do the "right thing"! I put her on the naughty step, asked her to look at me etc etc, she just refused eye contact, closed them, put her fingers in her ears and started humming with a smirk on her face. I really saw red and had to walk away.

Bit later she refused to get dressed for nursery so I tried distraction, bribery, encouragement ..... then just manhandled her into them, bending limbs and hoping not to snap anything! She was screaming the house down the whole time, then refused to get in the car. Screamed all the way to nursery while I gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles and drove like a maniac. Ran into nursery full of smiles for her teachers. Devil child. By the time I got to work I felt completely exhausted and emotionally drained by a tiny three year old.
Ahhh dear, family life!

Anyway, not much help to you really, but it helps to know you're not alone!

Oh I'm so glad I'm not alone!! - felt very down all daytoday after a bad evening yesterday. I work part time and since September I leave work to pick up at 3.30 pm. I had such a rose tinted view of how it would be - no more rushing to cook a meal, poor DD1 would be able to do homework before she felt tired etc... In reality I pick up 2 cranky children and can do nothing right!. DD1 just wants to watch american c**p on TV and rushes her homework to watch more. DD2 (started at pre-school) bagers me and badgers me for biscuits, crisps etc, if I give her some she then won't eat the homec cooked tea and ends up with her wanting more biscuits - Going to bed without a proper meal means she wakes up earlier demanding breakfast, is then tireder than ever by 3.30 and so the whole downward spiral starts again.
I ended up in tears last night I felt such a failiure.
BIG CHANGES are called for starting with a meal as soon as I can get it on the table. The home cooked philiosphy may have to go out of the window for a few days until I can make some time to cook ahead. The priority has to be FOOD FOOD. This will hopefully give DD1 a break and then she can do her homework after tea BEFORE TV goes on - and then only at my say so ( I mean business!.
A bowl of cereal before bed for DD2 should fill her up - the aim is a calm atmosphere...the theory is great, please wish me luck!!

sonnet - it won't hurt for them to eat some less-than-perfect food for a couple of days if it helps you get back on track. Stick some veg (mine will eat carrots and broccoli) on the plate with the chicken nuggets and potato smiles and you can almost convince yourself it's a reasonable meal!

I find the crock pot/slow cooker is a good idea for having hot food ready when you get in. Another thing I do is make up a big batch of bolognese sauce every now and then and freeze portions - the pasta takes 10 minutes to cook, during which time the sauce defrosts and heats up in the microwave, and there you have it - a good meal in under 15 minutes. We also often eat the same thing two days running - I just make a big lot one day, and we finish it up the next. Ratatouille is a meal like this - we have often been known to have it with jacket potatoes one day (cooked in the micro for speed and finished in the oven for crispiness), as pasta sauce the next, then with spices added as curry with rice on the third day. If anyone complains about the lack of variety, well, that's just tough.

5 yr old just reacting to change i should think stick to boundies, she should calm when it becomes normal daily thing to her,

Enid, I am dreading the occasion on which both my children become unlikeable. It's only a matter of time. So far, it's been possible to like one while the other drives me up the wall. Big hugs.

Look on the bright side - at least when they're both being unbearable, you don't have to feel guilty for liking one more than the other... (only joking)...

Thanks Azzie - don't have a slow cooker but have a timer on oven which I often use. Need to get some bulk stuff cooked and have Friday earmarked for that!....
Am picking them up in 10 mins - I do so hope it is a good day!!

well we had a better evening today and they were both quite lovely again. I didn't bother cooking a meal as soon as I got in, we sat on the sofa cuddling and watching a bit of telly. Then I just made them cheese sandwiches, carrots and cucumber which they ate in the kitchen while I had tea. They didnt eat much of it but I suppose they werent that hungry. we have started a sticker chart for dd1 with a tick for every meal she doesnt make a fuss at (she doesnt have to eat everything but theres to be no fuss) - three ticks mean a sticker, three stickers mean ice cream. She seems to love the idea.

dd2 fussed about her cup when she got into her cot, I fibbed and said I'd go and look for a new one - took so long that she had fallen asleep by the time I went back, so no screaming - hope she doesnt wake in the night - I'm off to bed in a minute as I am knackered and have earache and sore throat x E