Feelings towards MIL have changed after I had my Child

[FrancineH]

Had my Son 2&half years ago, my relationship with my MIL before then was amazing I thought the sun Shawn right out of her, could not think of one negative thing to say about her, but then I had my son and my fiancé's brother got a girlfriend and everything became so clear , the bitching started with her she literally talks about anyone and anything now to me she's so two faced it's unbelievable, she's the definition of a Karen now... I'm absolutely gobsmacked by it.

It all started off when I was pregnant, she gave her advice which I took on board but when I told her advice other people had gave me she always turned her nose up at it, it's like I've had 5 kids I know everything type of attitude I get from her....she even had a debate with me over what I was wearing into the labour room she had asked me what I was wearing I told her a night dress and she kept saying nightshirt even my partner was like "mum really? Why are you being like that" she was so so excited for us to have our baby which was lovely and I loved it because our relationship was amazing.

When I went into labour with my son she brought me and my partner down with my mummy also (partner doesn't drive ) so we depended on her to bring us as it was early hours. When I was going into the delivery suite I told my Mum & MIL to just head on we might be a while (I really didn't want them to stay as I was feeling under pressure enough) and my mil said no we are going to be right here (which I know she obviously was trying to be supportive which I then accepted) but it started half way through my delivery she started getting annoyed/upset as to why my partner wasn't running out and giving them updates , but he has stated they weren't his main priority I was but he didn't tell them that he just APOLOGISED which baffled me why did he need to apologise??? She called us selfish because the midwife told them we didn't want my mum in to see the baby which wasn't the case I was being fixed down below after having my son and I wanted that privacy and also I wanted a few minutes alone with my son and partner. My mother was so understand but my mother in law was so angry and upset she had my partner crying..... I couldn't even look at her properly the next day! I found myself apologising too though because I didn't want tension after having my baby.

Then next stage was going home from hospital she guilt tried to guilt trip me that my Dad had saw my baby before my mum but this was only because I ended up starving later on in the night after having my son and there was no food on so my dad brought food down to the hospital, but to me again I shouldn't need to even explain myself to her... also I loved with my mummy every single day for 1 year after I had my son so I think it wouldn't of mattered who saw him first between them in that sense.

Times through the years I've had sly comments after comments , it seems like she's always out to attack my parenting and my patented never utters a word but he agrees he even says without me even mentioning anything that his mum is too overbearing... but because I've always been the one trying to stop it that past year I was made out to be the big bad wolf. I have now stopped as I can't cope with it no more and our relationship is on the mend again because I just agree for an easy life... it's making me resent her though.

Throughout these past 2 and a half years she constantly went on and on about the way I gave him bottles and saying about feeding him before 6 months (I fed him at 4 months because he was most definitely ready) but she herself had a bowl of baby porridge waiting for him when we called one day and she fed him first even though she knew I wasn't happy about it, I got him off his bottles at 1 and she just kept giving him them when she was minding him whilst I was at work. She also criticised me in a sly way infront of her friend one day saying "she gives him cold food" when I didn't.... I have always gave my child room temperature . She's criticised me cutting his grapes and has rolled her eyes (I don't want him to choke) but then again it's my child I'm the parent what I say goes she needs to be respectful. She just puts unwanted advice in 24/7 I would of been accepting of it if she was nicer about it but she never has been.

We had a blow out a few months back because I just had enough( sure it was me ending up taking the blame for it all apologising ) she didn't apologise once she also told me I was taking her son away blah blah blah because I stuck up for my parenting and myself this is the rubbish I got hit with... I also recently had to sit and reassure her I wasn't taking her son away and she doesn't need to worry. She has told me I'm like the daughter she's never had before maybe she's just comfortable with me , maybe I need to be a little less sensitive. Don't get me wrong she's a nice woman and a devoted mother but I'm starting to resent her a bit to a point I get angry when I just think of her (it's nothing in relation to her son it's in relation to mine) sometimes I think she gets jealous of me and my sons relationship because she misses hers at that age I can see the bitterness in her eyes sometimes. There's just so much I could say about everything that has went on even down to our wedding her wanting us to sit her down and her tell us who she wants at it, she's just too much sometimes , I do love her and I want our relationship to be how it use to be b she just doesn't know how to stop being so overbearing and I can't stick it no more even when my partner tells her no to something to do with our child she still does it. I can't say nothing because then she gets the rest of the family involved and they turn on me.

Wow there's lots here but it boils down to two things: strong boundaries and ensuring your DH takes a stand.

There's no way you should be the bad guy - he needs to be the one to tell his mother to pipe down. Being jealous is no excuse - I'm sure she wouldn't have accepted that as a reason for poor behaviour from her own children growing up.

You mentioned that you use her for childcare - I'd explore other options if I were you as this is where she thinks she has a right to criticise.

Good luck

Please don’t let this woman walk all over you otherwise it’s never going to stop. I got along with my MIL really well for the first year of my relationship with my fiancé until I had an ectopic pregnancy and she showed her true, selfish and outright disrespectful colours. The whole thing was about her, to the point where as we lived with her at the time whilst saving for our house she asked my fiancé to ask me to pack up and leave straight after returning from the hospital (honestly I hadn’t even reached the top of the stairs to crawl into bed) because me being upset was causing her emotional distress. We both packed up and left the next day to stay with my father for a few months and I was completely slated to the whole family, they all hated me and I was the horrible bitch who “stole her son”. The tension was crazy and I actually started to feel guilty for some reason.

I’m 6 1/2 months pregnant now and she is trying her hardest to be implanted in my ass hole, which I won’t allow. I’ve set major boundaries for everyone, including not coming into our home at the moment due to Covid and have made it clear now that we don’t want visitors when baby comes for at least a week and if Covid is just as bad at that time then nobody will be coming in to see him until I believe it’s safe. The last 6 months have been hell and she has tried so hard to get us to come stay with her, asked us to move back in so we didn’t have bills when the baby was here and she could spend all of her time with him, tried to come over on multiple occasions even though weve told her we don’t want people in our home at the moment. She has turned up crying outside our house twice this month! I’ve put my foot down with her so much this past month that she’s not speaking to me again (not a problem for me!) but if she can’t back off and respect our boundaries then she’s not going to have much of a relationship with our son.

You need to be firm and straight with her, you do not want her making you feel guilty for her actions and you for sure should not be able apologising to her for her own behaviour. You should have been far more strict with her about all of this, especially with her hanging around whilst you gave birth because she’s never going to expect any confrontation for anything she puts you through. For the sake of your sanity and your baby, don’t let her act like this.

Thank use both so much for both your comments, it's good getting feedback from others I feel this was my only turn too, as I went to counselling myself to help me cope with it but it made me get angry about the situation so I stopped.

She's the type of woman who is very narrow minded and doesn't have much sympathy at the minute I suffered a depression for a long time after having my son due to how she was making me feel.

It's terrible your MIL is being the same with you, I think because we are with their sons they feel threatened and that shouldn't be the case because a lot of dil like myself just want good relationships all round because not only is this good for us it's good for our children.

As use have stated it's all about having a strong ground and setting these boundaries. I'm the type of person I hate confrontation and no matter what I say she gets offended even if it is like a "mummy said no" if my DS comes and asks for his dummy in her house... bare in mind I've had my child off his dummy for 5 months now he's 2 and a half and she opened a brand new pack of dummies and has been giving them to him on the sly, I said infront of her to my child plenty of times when he has asked for them that "no remember , your a big boy now and Santa took all your dummies so all the little babies who need dummies can have them and you get your toys " I made such a statement like this so many times infront of her and her response is all in her face the off smile and then it follows with" common I try find you one " or like another occurrence "I know you said he couldn't have them but I told him he could ".

I'm at my wits end here I don't want any ill feeling as I've been with my DH now for 8 years coming into 9 and it's only been really bad this whole year as I think I've took enough off it. I think she sees I'm vulnerable and love to please her and that's why she's worse now. My DH doesn't stick his ground with my MIL, when he says no and she continues to do it anyway he will repeat no a few times then just walk away in annoyance.... me and my DH are a like that way I suppose we hate confrontation.

I would of usually been then one to stick up for myself but not anymore with her she tells the world of you do something that annoys her then everyone hates you in the family.

"I suffered a depression for a long time after having my son due to how she was making me feel."

This happened to me too. New motherhood is such a special thing and I hate how it was tainted for me by someone who got to experience it numerous times themselves.

Bullies hate confrontation so stand your ground politely and firmly. But be prepared for some underhand tactics such as gaslighting, lying, bringing other family members into the situation and doing things with your child behind your back.

My own mother& family who know about how my MIL has made me feel told me, if things can't be spoke about without argument, then just let them be because my MIL obviously can't take it when she is being basically being told to stop. I don't start things with an argument it's when she can't take no for an answer or she makes me feel daft that's when my breaking point can hit. I just say nothing now.

My mum said that things won't always be this way ...as my son gets older things will get easier.

I just feel no matter how many children I have things will always be this way it's making me not want to have anymore which is quite sad, as I've always wanted about 3/4 it makes me so upset I feel like I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

I know things most definitely get done behind my back and I also know things definitely get said behind my back too. I just want her to let me be a parent in the way I want to be without any unwanted advice or dictating.

It's sad also as I'm due to get married and although my relationship is amazing it's my MIL I don't think I could cope with for the rest of my life as much as I do like her even though I'm quite annoyed with her lately I genuinely do like her she's just overbearing, but sometimes I feel so much resentment that I don't like her aswell... I use to love her but I wouldn't say I do anymore....because to me it'll only get worse when me and my partner is married as she's made statements to me like "a daughters your daughter for life but a sons a son until he meets a wife" it gets too much sometimes.

I feel relief coming on here and knowing I'm not the only one I thought for so long it was just me as no one really ever told me this is how things can go.

Please don’t be afraid to upset someone who has no problem upsetting you. You’re only making it worse for yourself by wanting to keep the peace when you’re quite clearly not at peace with all of this. Just tell her straight and firm and if your partner doesn’t like it then tell him you’re doing what he should’ve done a long time ago and put her in her place. Saying nothing really is just making it worse for yourself, she won’t stop if she’s not being stopped.