Husband shouts at toddler during tantrums

[Bex87764]

I have a two year old and a 3 week old baby..my husband has had to take a move active role with our 2 year old..we’re all sleep deprived and 2 year old is adjusting to having a new sibling and less attention so she’s been having more tantrums.

I usually deal with them by distraction, just waiting them out but offering cuddles etc till she’s calmed down and naming emotions to empathise etc. Husband loses his patience very quickly and shouts really loudly at her to calm down, stop being ridiculous, and shouts what is wrong with you?! Etc ...all of this escalates the tantrum and I think doesn’t model calm behaviour at all.

He’s also been in charge of more bedtimes while I’ve been cluster feeding and she’s been regressing and fighting bedtime because of the changes. For me I pick her up and put her back in bed till she gets the message and cuddle to sleep if needed. I walked in to loads of screaming and husband was hugging her really tight to essentially restrain her so she wouldn’t get out of bed ..she was sobbing and absolutely furious. I screamed at him to let go of her and she was pouring with sweat from the stress of it and took me she’s to calm her down. I’m really struggling as I have to see to baby a lot and can’t split myself in two but I hate the way he deals with things. He thinks I’m soft and she ‘needs to learn’...anyone have experience with this? He has no patience or empathy with her and thinks she’s manipulative

I'm sorry op but that's really not normal. My dh deals with our 3 year old with kindness and patience (the same as how you describe your own parenting) as do I.

I was raised by my mum and her mentally ill partner and haven't had any contact with either of them for a decade (and never will again) due to the horrible childhood memories I have. I was shouted and screamed at / sworn at regularly from around 3 and grew up in fear. My mum wasn't the one who did it but she forever turned a blind eye to it so she was just as much to blame in my eyes as she did nothing to protect me. Please, please don't make the same mistake my mum did and continue to try to change your husband's ways or else LTB. I'm fine now - a well rounded person with my own family - but it took a lot of work and therapy during my early twenties and I battled with mental health problems a lot in the past too. You sound like a caring mum and trust me you don't want your child to go through what I did.

Most of us have shouted in that situation when we’ve just got to the point where we are overwhelmed and exhausted. But it should not be the normal way to deal with it, so if in cold light of day he still thinks it’s ok then you have an issue. If though he’s just struggling then you need to work together to come up with strategies - which ideally would involve getting more sleep (though don’t ask me how) but may need to involve just ensuring she is safe then leaving the room.

He’s being abusive. Plain and simple.

I think your DH needs more idea about age appropriate behaviour - DC1 is still tiny herself and he’s expecting far too much from her. He needs to realise tantrums and bedtime resistance, albeit hard, are perfectly normal. Meeting them with firm but gentle boundaries is easier and far more affective than shouting and threats. I assume he probably didn’t do all that much parenting pre your second DC so toddler behaviour has come as a bit of a shock?

There are some great resources out there. It’s always trotted out here, but the books, How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, The Whole Brain Child and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read are all brilliant (available on Audiable if listening is easier). Janet Landsbury does brilliant podcasts around respectful parenting. Re: bedtime, if he has Instagram, Lyndsey Hookway is a great place to start for age appropriate sleep expectations.

I wouldn't jump to him being abusive, it's not the right way to deal with it but I imagine he's trying to deal with it, doesn't know how, doesn't want to lay it on you every time so he feels clueless and helpless.

It's really hard to be emotionally present for small children, especially at the end of the day. Get him to read books no bad kids or whole brain child or how to talk so kids listen and discuss (in the calm light of day) how to deal with tantrums.

Your kid is angry. Those feelings won't go away just because someone shouts. You need to allow time for the adrenalin to subside. Make a safe space where she can express her anger and then offer comfort when she's ready. A good routine helps.

Men are given even less preparation for this stuff than women, especially if they're not around small children before having their own. Shouting is wrong for the kid and it does not work so your husband needs to learn to control himself and be patient to help your daughter. He can't bluff this out, she's probably having a hard patch with the new baby but upset like this goes on throughout childhood on and off.

Men are not usually shown how to be soft and compassionate, they're told this makes them less manly, they are entirely capable of it but it might need a bit of thinking through.

I think he is a little bit right and you are a bit more right, it must be tough for everyone with two young kids so it's not surprising that things boil over sometimes.
But i think it's important that everyone is able to de escalate things rather than making them worse. I think if he can do that it would help a lot.
Having said that, based on my experience, our toddler was waking constantly and couldn't go to sleep without being held, and it basically took me to refuse to hold him and keep returning him to bed over and over again, regardless of his crying. It wasn't pretty and it was hard, and there was snot and tears all over his face, pillow, etc, but i didn't consider it abuse or neglectful or anything else.
But i think a lot rests on how you got to the situation, is it through love and consideration of everyone's needs, or through lack of parenting ability or uncontrolled feelings.
If everyone focussed on supporting each other, things will improve in time. But it is hard.
Good luck and take care.

Poor kid being terrorised, screamed at, pinned down and traumatised by a grown man who has ‘no patience or empathy’. Having to be around a man like this will fuck her up for life.