36 weeks and worried I can't parent

[bethabean]

I'm not sure if this is a common worry, but I am 36 weeks pregnant and starting to get bad anxiety about whether I will be a good mum or not!

There's so many things I don't know or worry about. These might sound so silly but they're thoughts like:

What if I underfeed her? (I'm bottle feeding)
How do I take a newborn on a walk?!
What if I dress her wrong and she's too warm/cold?
What if she doesn't put on enough weight?
When can I stop supporting her head?
When can babies go in a pool?
When can they sleep on their stomach?
What do I do if I wake up and she's on her stomach or side?! Is that fine?

All these things are worrying me! I have read books on parenting and also googled but there's so much conflicting information that it makes me worry even more.

I am so afraid that I will do it all wronghow do mums do it?? Do you just know instinctively? Help!

A lot of it is just practice - honestly you'll be fine. I'll give you some tips -

• feed her the correct amount for her weight - most babies are happy with that. If she's still hungry she'll cry so give her a bit more.
• wrap her up, put in the pram, cover her up warmly and off you go.
• Dress her with the same amount as you've got on. If you need a coat, put her in a coat, Don't put a dozen layers on her if you've got two layers on.
• Babies lose weight at first, then gain . Once again, don't stress. She doesn't need to gain a certain amount in a certain time. Your health visitor will weigh her and tell you how she is going.
• Support her head for the first few months. You'll know when to stop because she'll start holding her head up by herself. *They can go in a pool any time, just make sure she isn't going into very cold water of course. If it's comfortable for you, it's fine for her. *I wouldn't put a baby on it's tummy, not a good idea. Put her on her back, it's the safest way. Once she can roll and find her own position, she'll do her own thing but that isn't until about 6 months.
• She won't roll like that for months yet. When they are little they stay more-or-less how you place them.

You won't do it all wrong - you're educating yourself and once she is born you'll get lots of experience. Trust yourself - you'll be fine.

This is what Mumsnet is for!!

Seriously, most of it you will work out through trial and error and reading one or two baby books. I found Your Baby Week by Week helpful. There is no one ”right” way to do all this stuff. All new parents are just muddling through. Even the ones who seem really together - they probably just got lucky and got naturally good sleepers.

And also, Mumsnet.

What if I underfeed her? (I'm bottle feeding)
She'll let you know by crying...

How do I take a newborn on a walk?!
In a pram or a carrier, what's your concern here?

What if I dress her wrong and she's too warm/cold?
She'll let you know by crying. Touch her chest underneath her clothes and that'll tell you if she's too hot or cold.

What if she doesn't put on enough weight?
The midwife and HV will support you through this.

When can I stop supporting her head?
You'll know

When can babies go in a pool?
From birth, get disposable swim nappies & a reusable one (some pools specify brand) and a swim outfit for over the top. Look for happy nappies.

When can they sleep on their stomach?
Always put them down on their backs to sleep.

What do I do if I wake up and she's on her stomach or side?! Is that fine?
Roll her back over

Instincts + Google will get you through. Take it from a non maternal mum of two!

I felt like this! I'd never even held a baby until I was 38 weeks pregnant and one of my friends gave me her newborn (who I swiftly handed back).

I actually hired a post-partum doula to come a few hours a week because I was so anxious about fucking up DS. She was amazing - for my mental heath if nothing else was . She also reorganized my kitchen.

All I'll say is:
Babies are more resilient than you think
They're also surprisingly good at communication
Most mums you know are more than happy to answer questions
I am still useless with babies/children who aren't my own

I think the fact that you are worrying about your baby, and want to make sure that you do everything right, means that you are going to be a great mum! 😊

I think the fact that you are worried about these things sort of shows you’re gonna do just fine! It’s normal to worry about stuff.
When your child is here you’ll be amazed at just how well you manage to stumble through it all. I didn’t consult one single parenting book but I managed to navigate through all the concerns you listed and many more besides.
Honestly, when they’re here just trust your instincts and do what feels right. Most of the time there is no one right way to do things anyway. You do what’s right for you and your family in your circumstances.

I’d like to answer your questions as my responses are slightly different.

What if I underfeed her? (I'm bottle feeding)
She’ll let you know. Also your midwife will be looking at things like weight gain and number of wet nappies per day. Also how comes you’ve ruled out breastfeeding?

How do I take a newborn on a walk?!
I’d really recommend wearing the baby when you go for a walk. Using a baby carrier or scarf. They love that close contact with you, she’ll be snoozing contently all around the park.

What if I dress her wrong and she's too warm/cold?
Like others say feel the back of her neck if it’s clammy she’s too hot, hands are a bad indicator as they often feel quite chilly. There are lots of images out there on how to dress baby for bed too. Get a thermometer to nail up in their room.

What if she doesn't put on enough weight?
Feed her more. Speak to your midwife. It’s perfectly normal for babies to loose a little weight at first.

When can I stop supporting her head?
You’ll know. My four month old still needs à Iittle help.

When can babies go in a pool?
I was told to wait until 4 months, when they’d had a good dose of their vaccines by then .
When can they sleep on their stomach?
Nope nope nope, nor their sides

What do I do if I wake up and she's on her stomach or side?! Is that fine?
Flip her back if she’s really young and you think she can’t get back. If she’s capable of rolling around her self leave her alone, this is generally after six months . You’ll find them sleeping in some funny positions!

What if I underfeed her? (I'm bottle feeding)

Would you consider trying to breastfeed at all? I don't know your reasons for not planning to but I really did find this aspect invaluable - breastmilk you can give any time, as much as they like, for nutrition as well as just comfort, and you never have to worry about giving too much or too little as baby automatically takes what they need. I definitely would find this more stressful to get right with formula, and you need to find other ways to soothe baby when they need calming in between feeds (whereas with BF you can just offer boob each time).

How do I take a newborn on a walk?!

You just have to dare to try once, say just down the road and back to start with! And then you slowly get used to it. Pack a bag with nappies, wipes, muslin cloths, change of clothes, and whatever you need to feed them. Change and feed baby (potentially then change again and then feed again etc ). Put a hat on baby, plus adequate amount of outer layer clothes. Either pop into sling (sling counts as one layer) or in the pram and you get a feel over time for how long they're happy in either. Once they're no longer happy, take them out and feed/rock them!

What if I dress her wrong and she's too warm/cold?

I stressed about this too at the beginning but you will soon get a feel for it trust me! Imo you can't go wrong in the beginning with long sleeved vest plus sleepsuit. Plus hat for the first few days; plus cardigan/coat and booties if out with the sling; alternatively plus coat and blanket if out with the pram (I know snowsuits very popular but with those you do have to worry more about overheating. You'd have to take them out of it when going inside somewhere, which you won't want to do if they're just asleep! Whereas a blanket you can just remove.)

What if she doesn't put on enough weight?

You will have your health visitor to talk to in case there's any issues, and the midwives come around too in the early days to check!

When can I stop supporting her head?

She will start to lift it herself at some point so you will be able to tell when she is developing more neck strength

When can babies go in a pool?

My considerations would be (1) how easy or tricky is it to keep them warm - unless you have access to a therapeutic pool the water will be much colder than what is advised for baby baths. I'd want them to have gained some fat around their body first. (2) Pool cleanliness- perhaps wait until after first jabs

When can they sleep on their stomach?

Once they're rolling themselves into that position. You always put them down on their back, likely at some point she will then roll herself onto her tummy or side - then it is okay to leave her like this.

What do I do if I wake up and she's on her stomach or side?! Is that fine?

Yes, fine

I know how you feel!!! I was the same! But don't underestimate your motherly instincts- they're not just magically there the minute she is born, but they develop over the first few weeks just from how much time you spend with your baby. You will soon be able to read her cues and get a feel for what she needs! All the best OP

I’d never even held a baby that couldn’t support it’s own head up before I had my own, no knowledge AT ALL.
I remember night one at the hospital buzzing the midwife bell as my baby was crying and I had no idea how to tell if his nappy needed changing or not (then had to get her to show me how to change said nappy).
Midwives will help you while you’re in hospital, they don’t let you leave until they’re happy you’re happy with the basics.
Baby will cry, and you go through the basics of feed, wind, nap, nappy or cuddle until they stop crying. Then you start to learn your babies language and it gets easier to know what they want.
Google is a bitch as it can make you think your baby’s crying is something you need to call 999 for, but it’s also a lifesaver. Forums like mumsnet helped me get answers from other parents to the same stupid questions I had, just take it all with a pinch of salt.

oh and I would of been similar weeks pregnant to you with said baby this time last year, my amazing, well-fed 11month old proves I’ve figured out what to do somewhere in the last year

Dont worry you can google everything now. I had no google when DS was a baby 40 years ago and he didn't die. I read books instead, there were plenty.

When can babies go in a pool?
From birth, get disposable swim nappies & a reusable one (some pools specify brand) and a swim outfit for over the top. Look for happy nappies

I really wouldn't take a baby into a public pool until it had had its vaccinations

See, I find the conflicting information reassuring. It means that a lot of the time there is no right or wrong way of doing things! I try to just trust my natural instincts a lot of the time.

When I was in hospital with my newborn twins, I was chatting to a midwife about my worries about being a good mum. She said "just love them and you won't go wrong". I think she was right - as long as you do everything in their best interests (which you will, because you'll love them) then you'll be fine. Even if you make mistakes sometimes.

I've also found that I get very anxious about particular things at different stages (weaning for example). A couple of months later you'll have forgotten all about that stage and be worrying about something else! I went into a spiral of despair about being unable to breastfeed my girls. They're 2 now, and I haven't even thought about it for at least a year! I can't believe how distraught I was. They are doing brilliantly now and that's all that matters. Don't sweat the small stuff, or even sometimes the bigger stuff. It won't really matter in the end. As long as you get through each day with a loved, safe and healthy baby then it's all good

You will work it out! I promise! Your health visitor and midwife will give you lots of advice at the start and whenever you need it. Please don’t worry.

Lots of it is common sense - you’ll know how to dress yourself for the weather, and your baby just needs one more layer than you.

Always settle your baby to sleep on her back. If she turns on to her stomach herself that’s fine, you don’t need to worry about it.

She will be regularly weighed so you will know if you’re getting the feeding right.

We took our son swimming for the first time at 3 months, but really you can start whenever you’re comfortable. Lots of babies love water.

For a walk - tuck her up in the pram or in a sling and just go! I found the sling the easiest thing, then you don’t have to stick to paths.