2 year old bedtime & co sleeping

[Whathefisgoingon]

Long story short, we have always co slept with my son. It wasn’t intentional, we tried a gentle sleep training course etc but ultimately this was the best way for us to get sleep.

Now we are in a situation where every night we sit in my bed, read bed time stories and then I have to lie in the dark until my toddler falls asleep, at which point I move him to his own bedroom. He’ll sleep there until 10ish when he wakes crying and we bring him in with us, where he’ll sleep through until 7/8.

How can I change this? The obvious thing to me is to start getting in to his own bed with him for his bedtime book etc and staying there with him until he falls asleep, but am I then creating another problem?

Ideally I’d like to be able to read his book, kiss him goodnight and leave the room but I just cannot imagine that happening.

DP has been on a sofa bed next to us for the last year and it’s doing his neck and back in, we really need to make a change.

I should add he is 23 months.

Being able to leave them in bed to fall asleep didn't work for me until my older two were more like 3yo.

Lying in his bed with him to fall asleep isn't a bad idea if you're happy to do that. That's what I did with DS1 and then it transitioned into me sitting on his bed until he fell asleep.

DS2 DH basically forced the issue as I was about to have DS3 and he didn't think it was sustainable. I can't remember what he did though. I know we alternated bedtime for a bit and focused on getting him to sleep without actually holding him.

In order to solve the cosleeping at night I find the curfew method works pretty well - at the moment you bring him in if he wakes past 10pm, so change that to 11. If he wakes earlier than 11, resettle him in his bed, after 11 you can bring him in. Once you get used to that change it to 12, then 1, 2, etc.

Start sitting with him whilst he's in his bed, when he wakes in the night do the same.

You then sit nearer the door in the evening, nearer the door until the chair is outside.

Thanks.

I’m going to try putting him down in his bed and doing the routine there, though I imagine he will see it as play time and be up out of bed to his book shelf and toys for a while...

I was in this position (and breastfeeding to sleep) when my toddler was 2 and a half. I was about to give birth and knew it was unsustainable so we paid a sleep consultant to help us as I had no idea what to do!

It took two weeks and we were very consistent, the longest he cried for was 90 seconds (honestly!) and since then he’s gone to bed and been asleep in between 1 and 20 minutes depending on how tired he is.

Bedtime routine is 30 mins.
10 mins bath with a sand timer. Teeth done in the bath.
Straight upstairs, into PJs and he chooses two stories from four laid out.
At 7:15pm his sleep clock (we use Sam the Sheep) goes red. We turn the nightlight down and say, “the sheep’s asleep it’s time for you to go to sleep. Lie down with your teddy and go to sleep.” He then gets into bed and has a cuddle from both parents before one of us sits outside his room with the door open - he can’t see us. If he gets out of bed we repeat the phrase above and if he doesn’t get back in we shut the door for 30 seconds. We do give a warning, “if you don’t like down and go to sleep I’m going to shut the door.”

We started sitting next to the bed with him and each night moved a bit further out. By night five we were sitting outside the door.

If he wakes at night we repeat the phrase and take him back to bed (obviously assessing if he’s sick or needs a drink/new nappy etc). No more coming into our bed - this is really important as it’s too confusing for them if they come in sometimes.

I was completely cynical and had no idea If it would work or not. He cried for 90 seconds when the door was shut three times on night 1 and that was it. I’m so glad we did it as it’s so easy to get him to bed now and I can focus on my newborn in the evening, rather than taking an hour to get him to bed and then being woken overnight.

We made a big thing of his bed before starting - new duvet cover, a special night light that he chose etc. Consistency is really important at this age. Good luck!

@Nightmanagerfan thank you - thats really helpful.

I don’t think he’s quite there yet in terms of fully understanding what that phrase (or similar) would truly mean, but I suppose it is a signal that it’s best time.

We did use a sleep consultants course when he was around 6-9 months but after a week he was back to waking up etc so we gave up - maybe we should have stuck at it!

Following for advice also.

I didn't have to lay in bed but my DD was in with us in her cot until she was 2 (we didn't have anywhere else for her to go). I'd have to hold her hand until she fell asleep. I basically did gradual retreat - move a little further away every day / couple of days. To be honest, I still sit in her room but it's not close by and I generally read my phone. I don't know how to make the transition to not needing to be there at all.

The secret is not to give up, it won’t be forever (even if it feels like it).
Yo add to NightMangers excellent advice would be my advice to be a boring as possible if they wake in the night. Limit speaking (smoothing noises are absolutely fine) and don’t make eye contact. I used to pop DCs back to bed without speaking then once in bed make a shushing sound whilst gently patting them. That way you are reassuring but also reinforcing it’s nighttime not playtime.

Did anyone manage to do this when their toddler still had a dummy?

Usually when he wakes at 10 he is looking for his dummy and calms when he gets it.

My youngest had a dummy at night until she was 7!! If we took it away she just sucked her thumb instead 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sounds like you need to keep more dummies under his pillow so he can find them at night easier.

Get him sleeping in his own bed all night consistently and happily then think about ditch the dummy or go cold Turkey on all of it but that will take longer to do with kindness.

I don't think stopping and ditching dummy and controlled crying is appropriate at all once.

We had/have this with both children. We got a 3/4 double and bedgaurds. Toddlers were/are cuddled to sleep in their own bed and then you can leave and come back as needed.

Consistency is key and don't give up. You can do it if you really want to.

You just have to stick with it , we did it with ds it took 3 nights
It exhausting but just keep putting him back to bed, the first night we did it 38 times!
The Supernanny method worked for us and also our friends, however its not popular on mumsnet .
If you don't cuddle your kids to sleep until they are 13 you are a monster on here !

@nightmanager has excellent advice there. We did something similar, though much younger.

We signal to our bodies that it's time to sleep. Brush teeth, pyjamas on, lights out etc. You're on your way to sleep well before you get into bed.

The things that currently signal sleep to your DS include you being there. When he wakes, he thinks 'I need mum/dad to be here before I can sleep'. Because that's how it always is for him. Show him he can sleep without you being there and he will. You have to believe it and do it for long enough that his sleep associations change. Then he'll wake and go 'I fell asleep in bed with my teddy, I can do it again'.