How do you cope with a toddler & a newborn?

[dany32]

Just that really
I have two DSs, a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Finding it really difficult to adapt to our new life.
I feel like I'm failing both my DC. Every other mum of 2 seems to have their sh*t together.
My house is constantly messy. Not even joking. I used to be so organised and have a place for everything. Now there's stuff all over the place. I have 0 time to style my hair/ put nice clothes on etc. My diet consists of chocolate, biscuits and cold tea when I have 2 spare seconds to quickly eat. I've been wanting to have a long bath for weeks and just don't have the time. I'm lucky if I get more than 5 min in the shower
How do people do it?
My boys are clean, fed and well looked after but I'm struggling with looking after myself
DH helps when home from work but we're still struggling to get into a routine and get control back over our house & lifestyle..

For me personally, I dont have it together, that's just an illusion/what it looks like on the outside.

Certainly when it was older baby plus toddler or two toddlers, I very much didnt have it together (this was the hardest age for me by a long way).

4.5 and 2.75 now and I'm starting to find time to brush my hair more, but things like make up, excercise etc are still a pipe dream when you include things like work.

My house isn't disgusting, but its a lived in family home, not a show home. In the first 6m or so I used a sling extensively - baby fed in there, slept in there etc. This meant I could just carry on with toddler things pretty much uninterrupted. We went to the park, did crafts, shopping, day trips, and when baby wanted to feed I'd just latch her on, on the move. So apart from rubbish sleep at night, nothing really changed in the day, apart from basically veing a kangaroo with a joey attached 😂

Once baby became old enough that she wanted to explore, was mobile etc, there was a lot more juggling of their needs. It was HARD, but at least I was more used to having two by then.

The game changer for me was 2 things: (1) them properly starting to enjoy playing together (2) sleeping for more than 2-3 hours in a row. Both of which happened around the 2y mark for my youngest

Now i spend a lot of time as referee, and it's undoubtedly still much easier with one at a time, but two feels absolutely fine.

Watching their relationship grow, and the love they have for eachother makes it all worthwhile.

Two close in age is hard for the first few years, but it has definate benefits later on.

It gets easier. Mine are now 5 and 2 and my house is still messy. I can do my hair and put make up on now, but it often results in games and toys being tipped everywhere if they are left unsupervised while I do it!

I kept my toddler in nursery full time when I had second baby. Have no idea how I would have coped otherwise!

Thanks all.
I promised myself that with the second baby I'll try and enjoy every moment, but I never expected it would be this hard. Our toddler requires 100% of my attention and with the baby drinking expressed milk & having to pump every 2 hours... it really leaves time for nothing else 🙈
I just miss old me a little... when I had time to style my hair, dress well & smell nice 😂

Im a year in its getting easier especially now toddlers in nursery. I didn't pump either packed it in after a few days just didn't have the time was impossible.

I didn’t have it together either and I didn’t have a pandemic to deal with!

The best advice is to carve some time for yourself when your DH is at home. Go and get a bath whilst he looks after the two dcs.
Tell him to prepare you a packed lunch whilst he is preparing tours in the morning (assuming he isn’t wfh. In that case, he should be preparing lunch for both of you)

And forget all the rest until you get a bit more head space.

You need to do those things when DH is around. It’s the only way I managed it. Or if they’re in a good routine and you know when the naps will be, plan around it.
My boys are 4 & 2 now but from the youngest being born Ive gotten up before DH leaves for work and had a shower, done my hair and makeup and gotten dressed. Some days I do a workout but not always. Being dressed and ready for the day before the DC wake up is essential for me. It makes the morning so much easier.

Pre covid, our routine was school run for DD then straight to playgroup 9-11. Nap on the way home, carry in to cot. I then knew he (pre DS2) or they would nap until 1.30 so I had 2 hours to do stuff.
I would usually clean, iron, make dinner, put clothes away etc whatever needed doing that day.
Because it’s kept on top off you can then have days where it may only take half an hour and then you get an hour to yourself for tv, tea and biscuits.

In covid times I had to change the playgroup to the park or crafts / activity at home but I’ve kept the timings the same. Eldest son doesn’t nap now and DS2 only has an hour but they are now old enough that they can focus on an activity long enough for me to get stuff done.

It does get easier but routine is key.

Oh gosh, be kind to yourself. Not everybody else has it ‘together’ whatever that is. 2 under 2 is fucking hard - 22 months between my eldest two. I don’t regret it as they are SO close now, they have the best bond, but it more than took it’s toll on me.
3.5 years between DS2 and DS3 - such an ‘easier’ gap.
Don’t beat yourself up, it gets easier xx

Firstly, be kind to yourself. You’re only 2 months in. I can assure you I did not have my shit together at all at this point. I was lucky and sent DS to the childminder 3 days a week so I could nap a bit in the day. My DH was away with work so I was on my own for all night feeds etc so without that I would have been lost.
I felt there was a huge turning point at 9 months as DD was very mobile by then and a lot happier. DD is 14mo now and DS just turned 3 last week and it’s a million times better. I think this is mainly down to DD sleeping through a few nights a week (prior to 11mo she was up nearly every hour) and me going back to work so getting a break from the relentless grind of it all. Hang in there, you’re in the hardest bit.

People don't have it together OP. I'm in the same boat as you and life is just a total mess. The last time I had breakfast or lunch - and I mean proper sit down food rather than wolf a biscuit down - was before my second was born. DS2 is 8 months now and it's getting slightly easier. I was able to go out shopping today for 2 hours while DH looked after both.

I pumped with DS1 and decided not to with DS2. I think pumping would have been the final thing that would have tipped me over the edge as I really struggled with my mental health the first few months.

How people do it is that they muddle through hour by hour and it gets a little easier month by month.
Keep the two year old napping as long as possible and if you have any way of getting them to nap at the same time (e.g. walk in double buggy) do it.

Good question, following. (Pregnant and only had 4 year gaps before, now probably going to be 2year gap and I'm pretty worried.) This is really helpful, thank you.

I’ve got a 21 month old and 2 month old. Have a feeling it’s just going to be moving stages of hardness! Finally getting a bit on top of my energy with longer stretches of sleep at night. But I’m scratching my head now about how on Earth I’ll manage to put her to nap in her own room... DC1 never slept in a buggy and had to be held in a dark room, not a luxury this one is going to get!

I didn't get my shit together until the youngest was about 4YO.

I know that's not what you want to read. Sorry.

13 month age gap here. Had both babies at home with me 24/7, no nursery, no family help, just me with a DH who worked long hours away from home.

It was HARD. Totally exhausting. But I kept my shit together because I had a water-tight military schedule/routine. Both DC ended up being good sleepers too which helped massively.

Oh, and yes to PP who mentioned naps. Both DC we're having a chunky 2-2.5hr nap in the day at the same time and that was my saviour.

@smurfsss routine all the way 👌🏼👌🏼

Remember my mantra....

"Low expectation equals high satisfaction."

It got me through parenting a newborn and a 19-month-old and now I find it works well for all things including work, cooking, parenting, marriage etc etc,

It’s hard OP, there’s no getting away from that but you’ll adapt as time goes on. My eldest is 4 and my youngest 19 months (2.5-year age gap) and it’s HARD some days as my youngest is the apple of my eye but also an absolute terror 😰 I can’t take my eyes off him for a minute. But he likes a long afternoon nap and that’s my downtime with DD on the days I’m not working. Being able to predict how the days will go makes things easier (for me anyway). Watching them play together is also very cute ❤️

I have a two year old and a two month old. I have so much support but still don't have my shit together. I am absolutely drowning. I feel like I can't give 100 percent to either child and go to bed feeling like a terrible mother.

@smurfsss

Oh, and yes to PP who mentioned naps. Both DC we're having a chunky 2-2.5hr nap in the day at the same time and that was my saviour.

YY to that.

My dcs both slept until they were 3yo. I needed that time to just sit and do nothing. Have a (warm!!) cup of tea. And catch my breath up.

Btw, my dcs are now much older (late teens!!).

When I look back, yes those first couple of years were hard. But it worked wonderfully well for us. It WILL get easier :)