My partner is a better parent than I am

[theautumnalmanac]

My partner takes over looking after our 14 month old DS and I let it happen because I truly believe he is the better parent.

I have spent months googling this and have found that no-one seems to share the problem I've been having and I have actually come away feeling like I should stop complaining about this 'non-problem'. I just can't help how awful it makes me feel.

Having struggled with PND, I was happy to return to work a few months ago. I suddenly felt like I could be a better mum to my DS. I used to have no issue letting my partner take over with childcare when he returned home from work because it was me having the 10 hour a day one on one time with DS.

Recently, I feel like because of these difficulties I've had in the past, my partner will not let me look after our DS when he's home. He hovers around when the 3 of us are home and while this sounds awful of me, I end up feeling like a spare part and often find something else to do.

So even though, I'm tidying, cleaning, organising, and cooking, I feel like I'm leaving too much to my partner in terms of childcare. It's like I'm being selfish thinking of all those chores that need doing and I feel incapable of relaxing with partner and DS.

I'm so sorry about how waffly this all is. I'm having trouble expressing why I'm so upset. I realise how lucky I am to have such a caring and hands on partner but at the same time, he enables me to 'run away'. I've suggested in the past that he does some housework while I play with DS, but he's not brilliant at housework and I end up having to micromanage the whole task. It just make sense to do it myself! In the same breath however, my partner brings DS to me before his bed time having spent nearly all evening with him, and pretends he's saying 'night night mummy, love you'. It breaks my heart, and makes me feel so guilty. Like I'm missing out on this precious time.

I want so badly to enjoy time as a family but I feel unable to let go and do this. What do you think? Is this a crazy non problem or is there something I can do?

Aw bless you, it sounds like you need a bit of time to reconnect and bond without your partner hovering. It’s great that he’s so involved but it sounds like you’re feeling excluded and struggling to find a way back in. Could you book in an activity that’s just for you and DS at the weekends, take him swimming or even just a weekly trip to the swings at the park? Then you’re out of the house and not tempted to default to chores. Don’t forget the household work you do is also for the benefit of your DS too, you’re creating a comfortable clean home environment for him so that in its own way can be nurturing. But it sounds like you’re maybe using it as a bit of an escape? I can relate to that as I was the same when my baby was very young and I felt like I didn’t know what to do with her... I felt like my husband did everything better than me and i was afraid to try and fail. I needed space to figure things out for myself and find my own way. Try to carve out some time just for the two of you, it’s really important that you learn to trust yourself as a mum xx

Why arent you spending the evenings with them .. my partner is also a better parent and i feel thankful for that but im still more hands on than him

Just do the housework when the baby is in bed and do the baby stuff together

It's not fair that he is getting all the child time while you are doing housework, unless that's what you both want.

I think you need a discussion, make a list of non childcare chores, and split it so that you get fair amounts of child time and free time. If you are needing to micromanage him on chores, discuss why that is. Are you overly picky about the way things are done? Is he genuinely doing a bad job - in which case can you agree between you what he needs to do, and maybe write it down so he can refer back?

I find it interesting that you say your partner "hovers around" when the three of you are together at home. Could you try to embrace this as lovely family time? Why is it a problem for all three of you to be together - you seem to be implying you'd expect one parent to be looking after DS while the other parent does jobs around the house, but it doesn't have to be that way - maybe you need to challenge that assumption.

I think you also need to re frame your narrative of DP being a "better" parent - that's an unhelpful way of thinking about it. In most normal families there isn't a better and a worse parent, both parents bring different skills to the partnership.

Definitely don't let your DP get away with doing no housework because he's rubbish at it! How can he improve if he never has a chance to learn?

Thank you for being so understanding @EmmaInParis I think you're right about carving out that time. I still have 2 days a week one on one with DS and partner has 1 day one on one but it still feels like I do the least! Maybe that's my own perception and guilt. I have quite low self esteem so I suppose it's little wonder I haven't much confidence as a mum. I've found it difficult to find people that understand, like I have this part missing because I don't want to spend every moment with my DS. I often need that reassurance that I'm doing ok.

Will reply properly later but wanted to say now that I really empathise!

@Munchkinpumpkin it's generally the evenings I'm referring to. For example, I'll be tidying up and cooking during this time. On my days off, I get what I can done when he's napping but get a little stressed that I can't do noisier tasks such as hoovering.

OP, you're coming across as someone who likes the house to be very clean and tidy, is that right? Maybe you need to lower your standards a little so you can enjoy time with your DP and DS rather than rushing around doing chores?

@MMMarmite I'd be interested to give your suggestion a go. I think a huge reason I can't be fully present when im with my family is because I struggle to switch off from everything else. If I knew my partner was taking over some of this stuff, it really might help.

@SmallElephant I would absolutely love to embrace that family time. And honestly, that would be the completely logical solution id give if I were reading this. Im a bit of a self sabotager and as soon as we start to enjoy this time, my brain wonders off to the pile of ironing or lunch to prep for work tomorrow. It's a flaw I'm certainly not proud of.

My standards are a little on the high side but you'd never think it if you came over. We have such a small house that things become cluttered very quickly and it overwhelms me. It's something I should definitely work on.

I'm unclear how you would like things to be. You have DS on your own twice a week so more than your DP. So you are obviously a good and capable mother. And your partner is a good and capable father. Is it just the evenings that are frustrating you? Are you wanting to be on your own with your DS? Or are you wanting to do the housework?
Do you think that maybe you don't actually have any problems but your insecurity is creating some? I'm the sort of person who, when everything is good, starts to worry that its too good and something, somewhere, must be wrong.

Oh op! Me too!! This is exactly how things run in my house too.
My dh does nearly 80% of the child care and child rearing, all clubs, hobbies etc, my dh does all of these.
I occasionally to a football match, I go to all parents evenings etc but the day to day stuff is all my dh.
He has got all the Christmas presents this year for our kids.

I tend to work.. a lot, in excess of 50 hours a week, dh works from home so does school pick ups, drop offs etc.
it works for us.
He is just so much better at it than I am.

That said, if I am on annual leave I absolutely love doing the school drop offs, pick ups, going out and about with the kids. It’s a real treat that I appreciate very much.

I do t feel guilty as I know that they are in brilliant hands. I do what I’m good at and he does the bits I’m rubbish at.

@madisonbridges it does sound a bit mad when I read it back. It is all a bit contradictory. I think my issue is, I want to be the kind of mum who always loves nothing more than spending time with my DS but I'm not. I feel better when I'm getting on with jobs but at the same time guilty. I definitely feel guilty admitting that.

I also fear perception. Like when it's just me and DS, no-one sees that. When others are around is the time I take for other things so they must think I give him no attention. It's strange but I often take what everyone else thinks as truth.

@Diditopknot it's comforting to know this set up can work, especially as you have older children and it makes me feel that it's not necessarily something I have to change entirely long term.

I do a lot of keeping the house up and running so feel that if can easily be perceived as 'nothing' and I work 30 hours per week including weekends. Not complaining at all, but I worry it looks like I'm not doing my fair share.

When you say "others", do you mean your partner? Or other people? If it's other people, you need to work on not worrying too much about what other people think (this is part of the low self esteem issue you mentioned). If it's your partner, maybe a chat about your different roles and responsibilities would help? It does sound like he needs to pitch in more with the housework tbh. But also he might be quite happy with the current arrangement which may make you feel better!

@SmallElephant I think I often have these little insecurities and once they're voiced by others, it really cements this for me. Yesterday I sat at my in laws with a cup of coffee in my hand while my partner played with our DS. And MIL suddenly said 'ooh give (partner) a break too' that really stung.

Just went for a walk this morning the 3 of us and I tried to approach the topic. It didn't go down well 🙁 partner says ever little thing upsets me these days and said 'fine I'll do more cleaning' in that sort of begrudging shouty tone.

Well, it's a shame he reacted grumpily, but in a way that's reassuring isn't it? It sounds like he thinks he's got the better deal, so you can ignore silly comments from MIL!

Hi OP, your post reminded me a lot of me in the early days. I had PND and even when that was gone I never felt totally relaxed around my DS at that age- like I didn't know what to do with him, and felt like I could only relax doing the dishes or whatever. I totally get it. Before they can talk, I think probably a lot of parents feel this way- it's quite hard to totally know what to do with a kid and some people are better at just 'doing' stuff like the chores. For ages I was like this.
But once my son started being able to talk and being fun, it all really changed for me, and it became less 'awkward' iyswim. Could it be a similar thing for you?

Oh @theautumnalmanac please don't feel down. I didn't have PND so I can't begin to imagine how that makes your insecurities worse but I can empathize as I am an anxious person and struggled with the "weight of expectation" that comes with being a parent in the beginning.

I think you are being hard on yourself. Just because some people make it seem like they want to be around their kids 24/7 doesn't make it true. There is nothing wrong with you for going back to work and carving that time out for yourself.

Secondly I think you need to have time with your DS on your own (outside of your two days that you already spend with him). You could start easy with an evening walk after work? Or like a previous person said, swimming. One thing I really enjoy doing with my DD to connect is going to the library, we have a little one near us so we walk to it and then spend an hour picking out books/reading, it's a really stress-free activity and doesn't cost anything.

I know how it feels to be constantly thinking about jobs that need doing and I think 14 months is an awkward age for letting you get those jobs done while DS is awake. I know my DD was a pain at that age. I can say it does get better and she's now 21 months old and will sit and colour while I potter around doing jobs. I think at 14 months I did start to involve her in some easy tasks though, she loved it and it got some of my chores done while she was awake and with me, score! It was mainly washing - I'd let her pull the washing out of the basket and into the washing machine and vice versa. Then we'd take the basket upstairs and I'd encourage her to pass me things to hang up. We do the same with putting washing away - she's a fantastic sock sorter now!

Jobs take longer but I felt like i was getting something done and she also enjoyed it as we would be chatting the entire time.

In terms of your DH helping with chores, I'd set out a few tasks that belong to him and tell him they're his responsibility and he does those on the evening that he's been with DS all day, this means he doesn't hover over you and you get to connect with DS on a day you've not been with him. For example in our house my DH takes sole responsibility over the bins, feeding the dogs, checking "stock" levels in our cupboards, etc. Just for perspective, my DH was terrible with the bins at the beginning but I bit my tongue and didn't remind him and it only took once where he forgot to put the bin out for him to never do it again .

Be kind to yourself. You are a fab parent for even thinking about any of this, you're providing a safe, clean home for your DS.

Thank you @Needaholidayplease it's really helpful to hear from people who have experienced these feelings. I always get a feeling that I'll enjoy him more as he gets older as this seems to have been what's happened so far. Then i hear all this stuff about how lovely the baby days are and feel terrible for not cherishing every moment. I just appreciate the good days and recognise it is challenging when you can't understand what they are trying to communicate!

Thanks so much for your response @LunaNova really appreciate your time. I think you're spot on. We've had a lovely couple of days together and DP is taking on more chores. I think I just need to keep an eye on making sure it continues! 😊 Also love the idea of getting DS more involved in little jobs. He is obsessed with the hoover so it's easy for me to get that done generally! Will definitely try the washing too!