It’s tough

[Trix789]

Hi mumsnet

I’m new here and I’m not sure what the point of my post is, apart from somewhere to offload and see if anyone has been through a similar experience I guess.

I have a 10 month old and I’m a first time mum. And right now I’m finding things particularly challenging. I feel like I’m a shadow of my former self, and the only way I can really describe it is that I feel numb and distant. I used to be quite a happy go lucky and confident person, always looking forward to challenges in my personal and professional life. When I had my little one I was one of the lucky Mums who felt so full of joy and happiness in the first few months. Fast forward to now, my mood day to day is so low and I’ve turned into such a negative person.

Today my other half seemed a bit off so after me asking him a few times what is wrong, he said that me being so negative all the time is pulling him down too. Such a simple (and let’s face it true) comment was crushing for me. My heart sank. Him and I seem to be drifting apart and that comment felt like the divide was growing by the second. We used to be so so close as a couple and now I feel like we are partners, not so much lovers.

The past few months have been rough with sleep deprivation - baby has always been an awful sleeper and I still haven’t had more than a few hours unbroken sleep each night. It’s got to the point where we are now going to start sleep training. Not something I wanted to do but I/we can’t go on like this. Other half hasn’t had to bear the brunt so much because he sleeps in another room a few nights a week so he isn’t too tired for work.

The past few months have also been very stressful with building work in our house, and I often feel massive mum guilt that I haven’t done many activities with my little one because we’ve been too damn busy decorating or doing stuff on the house. I can’t bear to look at social media any more because I see all the fun things my friends do with their kids and I feel bad that mine might have missed out a bit. I know at 10 months it doesn’t really matter, all they mainly want is love and care but I still feel those feelings.

The hobbies I used to enjoy don’t excite me any more. I used to love working out, but now it feels like a chore and that I should be doing something more productive. I’m indifferent to what I want to do with my career now. And I just don’t feel any excitement about much at all anymore. I want to, but the feelings just don’t appear. I have so much to be thankful for in my life but I just can’t help the way I feel right now. I want to shake myself out of this but don’t know how.

Anyway, ramble over, just wanted to get it off my chest somewhere neutral and see if it’s something other mums go through too. I have a feeling it might be sleep deprivation just getting the better of me. Thanks for reading x

Hello,
Welcome!
Can definitely relate to your post to some extent as I have felt the same / do sometimes feel the same. Do you have anyone who can take the little one for a couple of hours so you can do something for yourself, a bit of time out? That would make you feel a bit better I'm sure, I know it definitely does wonders for me when I need a bit of me time.
I'd also consider speaking to your GP and telling them what you have said on here.

From what you've described, I think Theresa very real possibility that you may be suffering with PND.

As the PP said, you need to tell your GP how you're feeling but also tell your DH.

I'd also give the Pandas foundation a call tomorrow. They are open from 11am to 10pm.

Things will get better but it sounds as if you need a bit of support until they do

Hi OP,

I actually commented on a similar post sharing my experience around a hour or so ago so you're definitely not alone in feeling like this. I have a DD who's nearly 8 months and I sometimes find myself unrecognisable. Similar to you, I was really ambitious in my career and I loved spending time with my friends even if we just went out for a meal. I also loved going to the gym and now I don't even have energy to do a 10min workout in my living room.

I think when you're a mum (especially a first time mum) it takes such a while to adjust to things and get into a routine where you can spare a little time to do the things you love. I try to remind myself that I'm still Bantuknots AS WELL AS a mum instead of looking at myself as 'just' a mum. I think it's so easy to get lost in only being a mum at the beginning.

I also think sleep training is a good idea and I'm sure you'll find a method you prefer as it's so hard to function when you're sleep deprived. Luckily I get anywhere between 8-12hrs of sleep straight every night and I still have really low moods during the day so please be easy on yourself.

As for DP, is he pulling his weight? Can he do a bit more when he's not working just so you can have a nap for 1/2hrs or so you can even go out to grab a coffee and have some alone time. I also recommend speaking to your GP/HV just to get any extra support that may be available to you x

It IS tough. It is!
This is a safe place to unload.

Firstly, sleep deprivation is REAL mumma. There's a reason it's used as torture.

Mine never slept through. It was such a random odd night if she did more than 4hours for the first 6m of life. We Def had a 4m, 6m and 8m....and 10m sleep regression.

I was the same with sleep training. At 8m we went for two nights away and littley didn't sleep. At all. So we gave it a shot with the Ferber method.

Within three nights she slept largely through and only an hour of going in and reassuring. We regretted not trying it earlier but it breaks your heart knowing they don't know why you're leaving them!

It wasn't a total fix to sleep. She still wakes up now early hours and I have to feed her. She goes back to sleep though. She's nearly one.

Just be mindful not to try it when teething / poorly. Or if they wake for food. It just won't work.

My husband also sleeps on diff room for work reasons and I do feel hard done by sometimes. He gets a hero complex when he "helps" but he could do more. I find it hard to approach this with him though and I dunno why.

Motherhood is the hardest, but best thing I've ever done. But it's emotionally and physically draining. It's tough. It's wonderful but it isn't easy.

You're doing great. Really. I'm sorry you feel so low, but it's not abnormal. Venting on here helps. Speak to HV maybe, if she's approachable as others have suggested. Struggling is normal.

(Screw social media. People only post what they want you to see eh!)

Totally normal. Our priorities naturally change and we never put ourselves first as we always have 1001 other things to do. I’d say it gets easier when they turn 2. This is just a guess though as I was pregnant again when my little one was 11 months. New baby is now 8 months so I’m still in the thick of it 2.4 years later with double the load, but if I imagine I only had the one child, I think things would be much better and my relationship back to normal now as it really does get easier around 2-3 years.

Sounds to me like you need some time alone with your partner. If possible an overnight baby sitter or at least some evenings

Thank you all so much for your replies. And for your helpful suggestions, they are very much welcome and very much food for thought - from hereon I’m going to plan some baby free time each week for some me time and also time for me and OH to go out and do fun stuff together. Hopefully the sleep training will start doing its thing soon and more sleep will help lift moods a bit. I hadn’t even thought about approaching GP/HV about it so thank you for the suggestion - will try that if still feeling this way in a few weeks after making the other changes. Also thank you @PanicBuyingSprouts for the Pandas suggestion - I hadn’t heard of them and it’s reassuring to know they are on hand to call if I need support on the tough days.

Sorry to hear you ladies have also felt the same way, it really sucks at times! When people say motherhood is a rollercoaster….. it truly is!! So many highs and also many lows! But it’s reassuring to know that many of us go through these same feelings.

Thanks again all and enjoy the rest of the festivities :)

Definitely send DH out with LO at the weekend. Is there a family swim session that they could go to then have a snack in the cafe? Even if he takes LO to the Library abs park abs maybe a cafe should give you a couple of hours to sleep or get your hair done