Childs father has a baby

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all I really need an outside perspective.

I have twins to a friend I’ve know for 11 years however we were only occasionally sexually active so we know the exact day i conceived.
We were not in a relationship and I’ve heard him describe me and a ‘one night THING’ to others. He was so cruel to me for keeping the children and I’ve always felt that sense of resentment as an excuse to be a part time dad. He has never actually been a good dad. However I must admit I have done a good job.
We’ve been on and off over the past 4 years between very toxic times to good times.
And I do feel an attachment as we've been sexually and emotionally involved with each other. We’ve always agreed we would be open with each other. during an argument about child maintenance he dropped a bombshell, he has another child to pay for now.
I was shocked and felt deceived all this past year he has known and not said anything. I understand it’s his personal business but I send my young children there every week. And all scenarios were running through my mind.

I spoke to him briefly he explained he met her online and only met her 3 times, then told her he didn’t want to see her again. She then contacted him saying she’s pregnant. He described her as ‘ugly’ and ‘a loner’ and ‘potentially autistic’ (he’s a cruel person in general) he’s said only seen the kids a handful of times and has no bond. He says he loves our kids, they’re amazing and she used him as a sperm donor as she’s older. He’s now completely ghosted me. I’m now communicating with his mum regarding the children I asked her about it one minute describes her as a ‘his new girl’ then says they’re not in a proper relationship. My head is so messed. I can’t help but feel worthless and like I’m never enough. It’s Christmas and I’m thinking he could be there with them. And he’s going to be there for this child when he’s not there for ours. Although of course I would never want to deprive a child of there father. He’s now going to have our children every other week I’m wondering if that’s to alternate the children now. What would you do in my position to be at peace so sorry for my rambling x

Consider the relationship completely over between you and him. No more sex, no more on/off, you need to be done.

Keep things civil for the sake of your children, but look at it more as a professional relationship, you need to communicate regarding the children, you need to be able to speak decently about each other for the sake of the children. That's it though.

You are far too emotionally involved in him. You look back on your time together as sexual, romantic fun with an emotional connection that for whatever reason didn’t turn into a relationship. For him, it was just sex- hence him rather shittily describing to others that you were a one night stand. He doesn’t see your connection with each other the same way.

Disconnect from him. Do not give a second thought to his new fling/baby mother- it is none of your business and he shouldn’t be sharing details of that with you. Keep communication about the children and that is it. No sex, no chats.

This man was never your partner and tbh not really much of a friend either- so stop letting him live in your head rent free.

He needs a fucking vasectomy pronto

What a peach of a man.

He is not a kind man and I would put some serious distance between him and you. Of course he can see your twins but don’t get involved any further and certainly don’t be his FWB.

The cruel things he's saying about her to you?
He's saying them to her about you.

You need to change the relationship to co parents and set firm boundaries.

You already know you're a "one night thing" to him. You can be fairly sure you're getting everything he says about her too.

He sounds awful.

I know but he only met her 3 times. He doesn't barely know her hence why he only goes round an hour a week. I feel bad saying this as there is an innocent child involved. But he's quite a blunt person so I don't think he'd make this up
But I understand he talks bad about people probably self included. I guess il never know the truth

I agree with NOTANUM
He sounds awful. Write him off and lower your expectations.

Do you think he's been in a relationship with her this whole time? From an outside view? Sometimes when your in it it's confusing

This guy sounds like a horrible human being.

He's a shitty human being and you're allowing him to walk all over you by entertaining this hot and cold toxic situationship. He used you for sex and now he's moved to doing it to someone else. Stop this nonsense. Try to coparent in a civil matter, but any romantic involvement must stop now if you have any sense of dignity and self preservation.

And please think how confused your poor twins must be. You're setting a very poor example for them of what a normal relationship should be.

Send him some condoms for Christmas. He sounds like he doesn't give a sh*t about anyone other than himself. Stop making excuses for him.

Lol about the condom comment. Exactly, it wouldn't be so bad if he was actively raising the children but wow

Are the kids staying with him one week off and one week on? I wouldn't be happy with this level of toxic behaviour from a parent

No they stay one day a week, now one day every other week.... I wonder why I feel bad if they've been dropped now but il never know. Usually he would come a talk to me to reassure and resolve but he has completely fell off the map

Be careful, that's how my daughter's dad tends to describe me to his current gf... Despite us being together over 2 years and having a baby together, him moving in etc. He was an arsehole.

It's just really going to hurt if he's there for them and he was absolute rubbish to us that's another thing it's Christmas and he hasn't even text

You are prioritising and putting more importance and emotional energy in occasional sex with some loser than your children
He is a shit person and you are enabling him
Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

I know I sound like a neglectful mother but honestly I always put my kids first and I have raised them well I know how this looks via this post, but trust me I'm an extremely hardworking dedicated mum. My sister and friend both asked why I'm letting a useless man have this impact when I'm a self made woman. However when you have abandonment wounds from childhood and other wounds it hurts more. I just need reassurance unfortunately. Is he been in a relationship with her the whole time, if he going to be there for them? Is he lying to me to butter me up...
I've made this Christmas special while inside is hurting for not doing better by my children he hasn't even text. This is just playing on my mind and the not knowing is making it worse.

My head is so messed. I can’t help but feel worthless and like I’m never enough

Not enough for what?
A squashed snail on the bottom of your shoe is too good for that loser.
The slimy mould that accumulates in the little hole in the back of your fridge is too good for him.
Toenail clippings stuck in the drain are too good for him.

I can do this all day....

No-one on here has been emotionally involved with him, so we can see with clarity how horrible he is. Mrbob has pretty much summed him up.

You need to stop trying to seek approval from him becaue you will never get it. He is basking in the attention from you and who knows who else. He is a waste of space.

Stop worrying about if he will be there more for her and the other child and start working on your self. Get an agreed contact arrangement and maintenance in place and move on as he is not for you. Your children will learn about relationships from you and if you accept these scraps, that is the example you are setting for their future. Get 💪 and you may meet someone deserving of you all.

Stop shagging him. You can do better.

He sounds like a right bag of shit

Thanks guys! It was the blind slide caught me off guard tbh prior to that I had cut contact I was flying and he was pestering me. When I heard of the baby I went into fight or flight and I started fighting for him - slightly embarrassing and probably more to do with fear of abandonment than actually him. Thanks so much for your advice once again I think it's clear he's not a prize and contact only for children

My advice would be-

1. Accept that he’s not interested in you romantically.

2. Not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He’s told people you’re a one-night stand, and told you he’s only met her three times and dislikes her. You know one is a lie so it’s likely the second one is too.

3. If your on/off relationship has involved unprotected sex with him, get an STD test as he’s been having unprotected ex with at least one other person.

4. Work on your boundaries and standards. The fact that you're allowing this man to keep you dangling suggests that you're not good at prioritising yourself. Don’t lose yourself for this loser.