What are your parenting challenges?

[2022betterbegood]

Just an acknowledgement to the world really that it's true you can never imagine how parenting will challenge you.

You go into it knowing it's not going to be a walk in the park but until you're going through it, nothing can really prepare you for what it's like for you.

For me it's patience, I can't believe how much patience I have deep down and need to draw on frequently (constant teether and non crawler who is very frustrated, so there's a lot of whinging, rightly so, I'm sure I'd be the same!).

Interesting idea for a thread. Mine is probably that I carry too much baggage from my abusive childhood, so I'm terrified of creating bad memories, and I think sometimes my kids feel the need to go along with the "everything's perfect" narrative for my sake when it isn't.

They're young adults now and seem pretty well-adjusted on the whole, which is a great relief to me.

Sorry to hear about your childhood @sadpapercourtesan do you want to talk about it?

Permissiveness I think. Which is not what I expected! I can be quite authoritarian in other situations.

I need a lot of alone time, I'm very happy in my own company, which I just don't get.

Patience here too @2022betterbegood! Also got a whingy non crawler (nearly 11 months, only happy when held by her fingertips and “walked” around and I can’t see how she’ll ever learn to get up and walk by herself which is all she wants to do, if she won’t connect the dots by trying to crawl first... she won’t even pull up to sit by herself so she’s constantly frustrated). It’s EXHAUSTING

Patience, sleep & understanding. I often find myself thinking ugh why won't she just SLEEEEEP!! When it's the millionth wake up of the night but then by morning I'm able to think of things from her perspective and feel quite bad that i get inwardly annoyed!

Poor little thing just wants to cuddle her mum and here I am getting the rage because she won't sleep!!

Also struggle with the fact that some of the issues are kind of my fault as I co-sleep etc etc which doesn't really help matters.

I'm good at the fun and bad at the routine, discipline and housework. It's what I expected I would be good/bad at but turns out there is very little of the former and much more of the latter! I also thought I'd be having fun with them, but a lot of the time they have fun without me and I just make the packed lunches, do the laundry, pay for the activities, etc. I don't think I'm good at being 'Mum' sometimes would have been better being a 'Disney Dad'

The constantly guilt and also the old adage of you're only ever as happy as your least happy child. With one dc having been going through sometimes quite accute mental health issues for 18 months now, I can't really remember when the last time I was genuinely happy. All worth it obviously but my God, it's fucking hard!

Wanting my children to have a happy, secure, reasonably affluent and non-abusive upbringing, and then realising that the more of this I achieve, the less we have in common and the less we understand each other’s points of view.

The parenting part of it. I love my daughter but I don't like being a parent. It's gruelling, relentless, and I miss my free time and my freedom. And I miss my sleep!! She's not quite 2 though so im hoping this will all improve as she gets older.

The constant worry: is he developing at the right rate, how will i explain why me and his dad arent together, am i enough? is he happy?
I have a daily struggle with my sons eczema also and im always trying to find the triggers.

@PiesNotGuys

Wanting my children to have a happy, secure, reasonably affluent and non-abusive upbringing, and then realising that the more of this I achieve, the less we have in common and the less we understand each other’s points of view.

Ooooh, this resonates! I worry I've spoiled my two and that they don't appreciate it. Occasionally, when one of them if whinging on about something inconsequential I want to scream: "do you have ANY idea what I was having to deal with by your age?!"

Of course they don't, and of course I wouldn't want them to. But it's hard sometimes, and like you say, I sometimes feel we just don't understand each other.

My mother died when I was small, my father stayed on the periphery whilst I was brought up by over strict/old fashioned grandparents. Money was tight and there were constant battles with my ddad on this topic that fucked with my teenage years. My dd on the other hand has been brought with 2 parents in who adore her and has had access to all the activities (and tech) she ever wanted. At the same time I have been keen to let her have more freedom in her teenage years and let her know she can talk to me about anything. Until recently all has been fine.

All of this is thrown back at me now as apparently it is evil for me to worry about whether she has eaten, has appropriate clothing when it's freezing, how she will get home at 1am etc. Eyerolling and me being annoying I can totally accept (and I bite my tongue a lot) but she seems to now show total disdain for everything, her entire life is a total misery caused my me. Everything I say is wrong. I swear you'd think we lock her up and beat her instead of her leading a charmed existence! I know MH issues trump everything but it's so hard to work out where to start. Is she depressed or just an ungrateful sod? I fondly reminisce about the toddler years.

The guilt that I can't give my kids what my parents gave me as a kid.
I cannot work as I have serious disabilities if I had known now what I didn't know then I wouldn't of done it and inflicted this life on my children as they deserve so so much more.
But I love them very much and they are my reason to live, I hope next year will be a better year for us and the guilt eases off a bit. It's awful.

Mine are ten and 15. I still struggle with how I had to give up so much of myself. My freedom, agency and what made me 'me'. It constantly baffles me that people just put up with that without saying much. It's terrifying that looking after your children often means giving up yourself.
So for me, it's the loss of freedom.

Feeling like I need more patience then feeling guilty for feeling like I don't have enough patience!

My 9 year old daughter has ASD and it's bloody hard at times !! I adore her and just want her to be happy but there are so many obstacles and I worry constantly about her future.

Not comparing my kids... I know I shouldn't do it, and i try to keep it just inside my head! My twins are so differentfrom my eldest and I worry about themso much. They only have 1 or 2 badly pronounced words, but by this age she had hundreds, used 2 word phrases etc. She was walking too, but then she didn't crawl and they do. I just can't help noticing so the differences, and I know I really have to stop it!

How long the lack of sleep goes on for. That it makes you too tired to try and work out how to get more sleep!

Finances are also tougher than id imagined, but that's mostly because I didn't plan on twins!

I think I was too conscientious as a child so find it really hard to empathize with the kids being lazy. They are legends, so lovely but schoolwork/homework is so tough, I lit have to sit over them, they'd have no problem just going in and saying they forgot it or barely filling in the minimum if I left them to it.

I still struggle with how I had to give up so much of myself. My freedom, agency and what made me 'me'. It constantly baffles me that people just put up with that without saying much.
Only in the last few years I've started back listening to music I like, going wandering in shops for me and taking up hobbies. I think what you said should be told regularly to all mums, remember who you are and that you being happy is good for your children, there needs to be a balance, keep therm happy but make yourself happy too!!

That it doesn't end when they get to 18 - in fact it gets much more demanding and difficult.

Keeping my cool! I’ve always been a very calm person, never lose my temper, very patient- used to work with kids with very challenging behaviour and never ever lost it or shouted. But it’s soooo much harder with your own kid! I have really had to master my deep breathing to stop myself from punting DD out the window sometimes.

I'd say my two biggest challenges are:

Mornings and night wake ups - I knew this would be my biggest problem before I had a baby as I've always needed my sleep else I'm grumpy AF. Thankfully DP really helps me out, probably to save himself.

My other one is DD being quite a difficult baby and toddler in the way that she goes from 0-100. She needs careful managing and when things go wrong I feel like a bit of a shit mum.

Oh wow really didn't expect all these replies, hope it's been a good outlet for you all.

I was very inpatient at 4.30 am yesterday when baby wouldn't go back to sleep. I'm usually very soppy, loving etc but the previous day we had our booster jab and it knocked me for 6, iwas knackered. I was less mumsy that morning and it was noticed, I should have gone with the flow more but was determined to get them back to sleep and they weren't having it so started the day with tears and it lasted the whole day. 100% avoidable if I'd had the patience that morning. I feel so awful about it. I didn't shout or raise my voice but was less sympathetic than I should have been. I can never undo that morning. 😢

Coping with a child who is the polar opposite of me and who I really struggle to 'get' sometimes, especially when the other one is very like me and easy for me to relate to. I love him desperately of course, but often don't like him very much and find him incredibly hard work (he's 16 and this has always been the case )