DC witnessed domestic abuse - what now?

[BlowDryRat]

ExH and I have been separated and divorced for over 6 years. In that time, ExH remarried and had another child. He split up with his now ExW earlier this year.

ExH has just disclosed that prior to this latest split the DC witnessed multiple instances of domestic abuse between him and his ExW. ExW left the home and ExH has no idea where she and their joint child are living. The DC have had only limited phone contact with their half-sibling since the split.

I've put a halt to overnight contact. What now? I think the DC need counselling. Where do I find a counsellor for this? What else do I do to help them and keep them safe?

Tell the school, they will have access to in school counsellors that may be able to help. Is your ExDh a danger to your DC?

He says that he isn't a danger to them but his behaviour has shown that he's unwilling or unable to put their needs first.

I can tell the schools - now or when term restarts?

Schools will not necessarily have access to school counsellors - this really is a myth especially in primary schools. Have you spoken to the children yourself? I would have thought that the first step would be opening up a dialogue with your children so that you can see what they need from you first of all. If they are highly distressed then you can find out about counselling. I also think you need to be prepared for the fact that even if there was DA between your ex and his wife, the fact that they are now living separately and there was no police involvement makes it fairly likely he will be allowed contact with the children. You may well be right that he has let them down and hasn't had their best interests at heart but often even in cases where the children witness violence between their parents, contact is allowed once the parties are separate.

Schools might be able to start with a low level intervention such as draw and talk, or they may buy in a play therapist or art therapist. Definitely speak to the SENCo on the first day back.

Well, his ex has disappeared so I’m going to wager that he’s a fucking big danger to all of the children and has committed some shocking violence towards his ex.

I was concerned enough about various incidents of the children being neglected/ smacked/ emotionally abused and exH's mental health causing erratic behaviour to put a stop to overnight contact. I took advice from a family law solicitor about the best way to protect them and made that decision. The information about physical abuse between exH and his exW is new and came afterwards.

I've emailed the family workers at both schools to open a dialogue after the holidays. I've also contacted my own counsellor who helped me pick up the pieces after we separated and it turns out she works in schools too so I can out something in place there.