Have I ruined my life?

[mabel12345]

I met my partner in London where we both lived. We used to go out a lot - restaurants, bars, pubs, friends, festivals, raves and also travel quite a bit which I LOVED. In 2019 we left our jobs, our flat that we rented and went travelling. We came back, briefly lived with my partners mum in his home town and came to the “obvious” conclusion to buy a house and settle down. We got a dog and soon after I got pregnant, carried my baby through the pandemic and gave birth just as we were coming out of the lockdown. Obviously my life has changed, my partner is working Wednesday-Saturday until late, I’m home with out baby, don’t have many friends here, I don’t drive so I’m limited with where I can go, I’m not really enjoying living in this town as I do love big cities but I don’t want to mention anything to my partner because I don’t want to hurt his feelings as he grew up here. Our life is such a routine now, we rarely go out even for a quick drink to a pub or a cafe, if we do it’s to visit his mum or dad (few times a week), I’m starting to get excited for our weekly trips to Waitrose and I just keep wondering if I’m happy? I keep going back to those happy memories of drinking aperil spritz somewhere in Italy, Glastonbury, parties and I’m asking myself have I ruined my life? The life I enjoyed so much and didn’t realise how happy I was at the time. I don’t know what I thought, that it’s going to be like this for ever ? Am I naive and keep seeing to many influencers pictures ? I feel so bad writing this because I know I have everything a lot of people dream of, wonderful daughter, nice house, loving, responsible husband to be but it’s just not enough for me. Maybe I haven’t had enough of youth, maybe I’m the “party type”? I should probably mention that there’s 12 years difference between me and my partner, I tired to give him an idea of what’s wrong but he’s just not engaging with me and it’s too late for any changes anyway. I feel so stupid and like an ungrateful b*, but I just can’t help how I feel. I should probably try a therapy, shame it’s so expensive!

No I don’t think you’ve ruined your life at all. It’s just been a lot of changes in one go. I’d suggest learning to drive and trying to find some more friends.

If I have read this right you had a baby less than a year ago is that right? I think it is very common not to regain a strong sense of yourself for at least a year after having a baby - and you have moved and life has changed because of covid too. Your partner has not been through the same changes. This is such a tough time to have a baby because things like learning to travel with them, which can make you feel a sense of freedom again, are just really difficult, but it certainly doesn't mean you’ll never drink aperol in Italy again! It has taken me much longer to get “myself” back after my second baby (now 15months) than my first, because of the pandemic. Can you try to focus on the things that do make you feel like you, the things you enjoy with your baby, and also try to build a social/ support network a bit? Are you planning to go back to work or not at the moment?

I feel the same sometimes (although I've stayed in london) but I reckon it'll get much better when my toddler is older and a bit more independent! Right now I'm still breastfeeding, co sleeping with my toddler and we are basically joined at the hip when I'm not at work. But like, eventually I'll have a lot more me-time (I'm hoping!) to go out and spend more time with friends.

Really normal to feel this way, particularly in the first year after giving birth OP. I felt a lot of the same feelings: I loved my baby so much but it felt like I had lost myself and many of the aspects of my life that made me, me. However, the baby and toddler years are hard and it does get so much better. As they get older you can do so much more together and discover/rediscover things you enjoy, both as a mum , as a couple and also as a woman in your own right.

Your life has changed, and although you will get more of yourself back as your child gets older, that won't be for a while and it will never be exactly the same. I'm afraid it would be naive to think otherwise. How old are you?

We moved to my hometown from London when we had DD1- we lasted 6 months before moving back to (a different part of) London. I felt as you do, I hated it.

Life improved dramatically upon moving back- we’re still here thirteen years later although a few stops down the tube line.

What’s stopping you moving back- is it money, space, or your that your partner doesn’t want to?

If you decide to stay, there’s loads you can do to feel better about it; learning to drive would be top of that list (I passed my test aged 39 and drive all the time now).

Make staying or leaving a conscious choice rather than it being somewhere you’ve ended up… it will get better, whatever you decide

OP, I felt a bit like this at first. Then I realised I had to find a different way to have fun - with DC instea dof yearning for the life I had before them. You sound like you just enjoy a bit of adventure and fun. I did too But I genuinely started to enjoy the kind of fun you can have as a family. We used to go out every weekend to steam fairs and steam trains, museums, music festivals, animal sanctuaries etc. As they got older, more adventures became possible.

I think you need a night off once a week where you actually do things that are fun - not just a drink in the pub. Go to gigs and comedy nights. Look for things you;d enjoy doing with your child/ And remember lockdown ruined life for everyone. You time dit well, as havuing a baby when not much else is happening anyway is good move.

Your life will improve. You will travel and drink Aperol Spritz and go to music festivals again. I promise. The most boring paenting years are the very early ones. Then life improves a lot.

In a few years you'll be drinking a peril spritz in Venice watching your daughter splashing about in the lido. And it will be marvellous. The next 10 years are the best !!

How old is your little one OP? The first year I found really hard, and I too yearned for those carefree days of festivals and gigs and just doing whatever the eff I wanted.

Now that DD is a walking, semi-talking toddler, I wouldn't change a thing. She's genuinely fun to be around and we spend so much time outside, chasing eachother and exploring. Being back at work part time has helped as well - it gave me back a piece of myself that I was missing during mat leave. There are a few great looking child friendly festivals in the UK that I'm hoping to take her to next year, would planning something like that help and give you something to look forward to?

It does sound like the place you're living is part of the issue too. You don't have to stay there if its not working for you, tell your DH how you're feeling!

Number one learn to drive. Its essential.
I was a single mum at 21 and used to take my baby everywhere in a sling in my little Citroen Diane car, music festivals, camping, holidays with friends in country cottages.
I didn't let DS cramp my style at all. We went abroad too a fair bit.

@mabel12345 Hi OP We moved to an extremely rural area right before I had first DC and I spent probably a year tearful and thinking I had ruined my life as was so lonely and baby was fussy. It was a mixture of lonliness and a bit of mild PP. what helped me even though it broke my heart was going back to work. It forced me into a new busyness in my brain where I had less and less time to feel lonely. Can you try to maybe find something to occupy your mind in a different way than baby does? Like a course or maybe part time work?