Future Father worried what future holds

[JoeyLin]

I'm 2 years happily married. I guess every couple has that one no-go topic that we would both get protective over, and with me its our families (I'm sure others can relate). I guess that means it is a go-to target if she wants to wind me up / escalate during a completely unrelated argument. I really don't go there, because if I said something about hers I probably would never be forgiven... A lot is rubbing it in my face during any arguments - "oh my parents do this for us, yours don't" "i don't see your brother making effort, mine always does with you". etc.

To me its minor, but we will always address what was said and move on. apologies where they are due. Never just discard anything as just a reaction or a mood swing. Never used these terms.

We have tried for a baby for ages. It was really putting us down. and its been a couple of weeks since we had great news.

However, I'm scared. Those things I thought that were only said during those heated moments are being said by her more thought through, more composed, more detailed. They're being said in almost a way to convince me. There even seems to be an agenda.

I've been compared to her siblings husbands when I've forgot to put washing out. I've been told noone will help us from my side.

What I'm scared of what my future looks like as a father 'vs' my in-law family. They're a lot stronger characters than me and anyone in my family. I just feel I will be sidelined from my own childs future (very very extreme I know). I feel there is a rhetoric being built to keep my family out and maybe even me.

What was once just something to brush off can now have an impact because there is a new life involved.

I am so so happy about our baby. I prayed for this moment in our lives. For my wife. I write poems to our baby. I write messages. I talk to our baby in my prayers.

I just feel sick that our child is already being used to manipulate me. I feel I may end up saying something to someone close to her if I worry they are interfering in my business too much - something I can currently just bite my tongue about. I feel more will be judged about my family. I'm just scared.

I can't upset her. I can't have this out. Because my babys health in her tummy is the most important thing to me right now.

So what happens is the scenario just builds in my head more. I put pieces together - but I can't just 'get over them' because everything is adding up. It doesn't feel like I am making this up. I feel I should be scared.

Hmm, I’d love to hear her side of the story

@WandaVision2 - you know what... few short words you replied with and they have really opened my eyes. I read my original post again.

Let's say I am being overly critical.. and she is justified to say what she is...

My question of how I approach this doesn't still change. If I don't know her side, i will continue to self-progress / escalate how I feel... and I may be correct or way off the mark.

I nod and keep my mouth shut now she is pregnant. Issues we had 3+ weeks ago vs now havent changed - just then we got to the bottom of things, took things back, understood what was true and what was lie and moved on.

Now I seem to be making a future scenario that I am going to be shut out of my childs life because I dare not challange her. And I know that scenario is ridiculous, but it is how I feel.

With a baby on the way it’s more important than ever to get this sorted because things are only going to get more difficult when the baby is here. Would you consider couples counselling?

Try not to panic. You've had big news, both ofyou will be experiencing some emotional turmoil and may be feeing defensive. Imagining difficult scenarios is totally normal - you're about to have a massive upheaval and your lifewill change. Take a deep breath, let your feelings settle. If you still feel the same way in a few weeks you need to talk to your wife.

You absolutely do need to talk to your wife about these issues now. It doesn't have to mean an argument and 'having it out' with her, but a calm talk about what the future will look like with both of your families involved in your baby's life. What are yours and your wife's expectations in regards to your families' roles in your lives when the little one arrives? This must be discussed now or it WILL cause issues when the baby arrives. In my experience, any family issues are intensified when baby arrives as everyone suddenly has a significant interest in the little one and they will have their own expectations of their involvement. Now is the time to discuss what this will look like for you.

Perhaps start the conversation by expressing that there's been something on your mind that you feel is important for you both to discuss now before baby comes. Highlight that you want a calm discussion where you can both vocalise any emotions you might be feeling so you can come to an agreement. If it's easier, I have written a letter to my husband in the past where there are 'big' emotionally charged issues to discuss. This allows you to express yourself without interruption and offers space for your wife to thoughtfully process what you've said. You also seem to be able to emotionally articulate yourself very well in writing so perhaps this is an option if you feel an argument is likely to take hold.

Good luck and congratulations!