Overwhelmed with toddler food issues - advice needed

[Willow4987]

Hi

My toddler is 3.5 and has become progressively worse with picky eating since he was 1.

At that point I thought we had issues as he wouldn’t eat veg. God how wrong was I

He initially eat a variety of meals but in the last year it’s dramatically dropped. Before he’d eat things like spag bol, chilli, chicken curry, cottage pie etc.

Now he’ll eat the rice, plain pasta etc from those meals. Won’t eat any potatoes etc

I’m struggling with what to feed him as his list of safe foods is dropping by the day. He’s now refusing the plain rice and pasta. Has recently stopped eating safe things like pizza

His safe food lists is now cereal, fruit, sausages and fish fingers. They are literally the only things I can give him that he’s guaranteed to eat. Everything else is almost virtually impossible to get him to eat

I’ve tried all of the advice online about staying calm, respect his boundaries around full vs hungry, role model eating meals together, present it differently, make it fun, etc

I’ve literally tried all of the advice and it’s getting worse not better

We implemented a reward chart at one stage that did initially work but that’s not working either anymore

I’m just at a complete loss and don’t know what to do. I’m seriously considering trying to speak to the GP or health visitors about it but I just don’t know what use they’ll be

I’m really after some advice from other mums as I just can’t take this anymore.

Tonight I gave him chicken curry which he loves (and I know he does if he’d only just put it in his mouth) which of course he refused. He ate literally one grain of rice and then said he wasn’t hungry (which isn’t true as he said he was 5 mins before I served dinner)

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink (or eat) your doing the right thing keeping things calm.

Make sure he has something he likes at every meal. Anything new put on a separate plate with no pressure to try.

Don’t comment at all on what he does or doesn’t eat.

Picnic/ buffet style meals can work well to encourage trying something different.

Involve him in baking/cooking. No pressure to eat what he makes just get him involved.

The thing is, I’m doing all of that already. He always has a safe food, he helps me cook and bake, we don’t comment on it - I just tell him what dinner is.

But he’s still getting worse - he’s now refusing safe foods. The things I know he might not like, I put like a tiny tiny amount on so he doesn’t get overwhelmed by it.

He doesn’t even eat at nursery when they’ve got the peer pressure which is supposed to help - they’re aware of the issue and have started separating his food so he’ll actually eat something

Does he/could he go to a child minder or nursery at all. It's amazing how many will eat due to peer pressure (well copying and knowing there isn't an alternative)?

I just can’t see a way out of this.

I’m getting really worried that it’s going to get to the stage where he literally won’t eat anything and will end up on those meal shakes the NHS prescribe

@RandomMess he goes to nursery and still won’t eat there. Initially he did (like he did at home) but it’s gradually gotten worse there as well. He’s very very very shy and has only just started speaking openly at nursery. I think he might have social anxiety

My LO does this. I read somewhere that it's called the beige phase when they won't eat anything but plain food but your LO sounds like they've progressed. I got a separater plate and tried to put different things on it, some that they like and some that they don't like or new things for them to try. It's painful but my LO started finding a few new things like cous cous, cucumber and tomatoes. It's far from easy but I keep telling myself it will get better. Haha.

You can ask the nursery to help your LO work on their eating and maybe giving them something plain that they will like for their lunch or tea. That way they will have something to eat.

As a slight aside one of my DC was near selective mute at pre school and school until she had grommets for her glue ear!!

Does he like the high calorie foods of fromage frais, cheese etc?

Some of them are a little pricy but one of these guides might help

solidstarts.com/guides/reverse-picky-eating/

The owner of solid starts has a picky eater herself so all the guides and information come from a place of personal experience. They are also really active on instagram and give out valuable advice with regard to picky eating

I just don’t know how long this can go on for. Even his usual safe beige foods are becoming hit and miss. At what point do I literally accept that he doesn’t eat 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or when will it get better

@fedup1000000 I used to tell myself it would get better, but it’s getting worse. I thought if I followed all of the advice it would improve

@RandomMess he will eat yogurt. No cheese (used to like cream cheese but won’t eat that now). Only eats sausages or roast chicken (specifically, no other type now) in terms of meat. Interesting about the glue ear, I’d never considered that as his speech is so good at home. I do think it’s social anxiety though because when he’s comfortable with someone new, I can’t stop him talking

@Pacidove I have actually started following them a few weeks ago to try and get some tips! Will take a look at their guides

May be worth looking up the condition avoidant resistant food intake disorder (arfid) their is no easy cure but sometimes just knowing what it is can help

No advice but following with interest. My LO has never been a big eater, right from weaning! How’s your LO’s weight and height tracking? I can appreciate how stressful it is. Mine will often refuse vitamins and milk to drink too so I feel anxious about his health constantly!

My son is exactly the same. 3.5 yrs, eats 4 foods- a type of baby rusk, sausages, chicken nuggets and a particular brand of fruit smoothie.
My son is autistic; any chance yours is? Might not be, just something to consider. The M-CHAT test online can help you think about this further.
There's a type of vitamin called Nutrigen Vitamixin Sprinkles that is tasteless/ odourless that you could add to his cereal to reassure yourself he's getting what he needs from that perspective. It's the only vitamin I've found that my son will take.
We saw a Dietitian. She said focus on the positive where you can e.g. Your son eats fish (protein) cereal (carbs) and fruit. So he is getting something from most food groups, even if his diet is limited. She said just keep offering everything, exactly what you're doing, no praise/ negative reactions around food. It's our job to provide options, his job to choose to eat it or not. Take the stress out of meals. It's working a little as he recently tried (and spat out, but small win) fish fingers.
You seem to be doing everything right. And his eating is getting worse not better. So I would seek professional advice of GP and ask for referral to Dietitian.
Good Luck. It's such a stressful thing.

DD was fine with her childminder and in our home. I think she lacked confidence/was anxious about having misunderstood when she hadn't heard properly though.

@Sirzy I have come across that when frantically googling what to do so think it might be worth talking to the GP about it

@thebearandthemare his weight is ok I think…he’s fairly tall for his age and slim but he is growing and full of energy

Cereal, fruit, sausages and fish fingers contains all the food groups and is actually a balanced diet. Boring, but a balanced diet all the same. (We had similar issues with dc1).

It does get completely overwheming and incredibly stressful and frustrating. However hard you try not to, that will be coming across. Don't talk about food, don't bother getting him to help with preparing it or choosing it, nothing. Make mealtimes the least interesting part of the day. Just provide food and if it isn't eaten then make no comment whatsoever. What they told us at the feeding improvement clinic was to make sure that there was at least one thing on their plate that you know they will eat, and it really doesn't matter what else you give them, just bits and bobs of a whole variety of stuff, whether they've had it before or not.

He will go hungry. People say that kids will eat when they are hungry. I know all too well that a real food refuser will starve rather than eat something they don't like.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Act like you absolutely couldn't care less whether they eat anything or not. If he says he is hungry later in the day, give him cereal so he doesn't go to bed hungry.

And peer pressure doesn't work either. We sent our dc to have a few meals at a friend's house, whose dc ate everything in sight. Did it work? No. It had the opposite effect and their dc started refusing to eat too!

It does get better. Our dc is 22 now and eats most things. Except tomatoes, cheese, baked beans, sweetcorn, pasta, broccoli, eggs...

@MistyFrequencies when we were concerned about his confidence in social situations I did look at autism but he doesn’t have any markers apart from a reluctance to talk in large group situations until he’s comfortable. That has improved with age and more exposure to situations since lockdowns been eased and we’ve been to see people, more groups etc.

I did the m-chat quiz and he’s got a risk score of 0, so I don’t think he’s autistic but socially anxious

@thatsallineed you’re right, it is incredibly frustrating. I feel like I’ve done something wrong and it’s my fault and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m struggling to construct meals that he’ll eat even an element of. He’s having basically plain pasta or rice at every meal in the hope he’ll at least eat that.

We do give him a vitamin which he has in his milk before bed to hopefully help but wish he’d just grow out of this and eat! I just don’t know at what point do we say, right this isn’t the usual picky eating toddler phase and get a dietician involved

I do know of a child like this wouldn't eat at home or nursery but did once they got to school.

I guess the peer pressure changes at a new place when slightly older.

You have my sympathy. DD is now 9, and has always been very fussy (including weaning, which involved a lot of vomit).

The main thing that's changed over the years is that I've chosen to be less stressed about it. I serve her meals she will eat, with the food separated. It involves a lot of broccoli (for fruit/veg, she'll eat broccoli, bananas and strawberries). She has been no better at school - she had free school meals when she was eligible, and ate plain pasta most days. She also wouldn't eat the school desserts; she will eat sweet things, but very selectively.

Like others, I take the view that she's eating something from each of the main food groups, so that's OK. Otherwise she's fine developmentally.

The one thing that is different for us is that she has got slowly better at eating (very slowly, and sometimes she gets worse) - I have a food diary from when she was 15 months, and one day she ate 1/4 cracker and 5 cheerios (I counted them!), plus milk.

Will your DS drink milk? The toddler formula contains added vitamins and minerals, so it's pretty complete nutritionally - then you know you're ticking that box at least.

It's not much fun, is it.....

I feel like I've done something wrong and it's my fault Not helped, I suspect, by the comments of other people? Usually those whose dc eat everything in sight and more. It is not your fault, you haven't done anything wrong at all.

Just out of interest, does he have any sensory issues with anything else, mud, finger paints, play dough, clothes, scratchy labels? A lot of trouble around eating is because of the texture of things as much as the taste.

I just don't know at what point do we say, right this isn't the usual picky eating toddler phase and get a dietician involved Might I suggest your first port of call is your HV, who will know what support is available in your local area. Might be a bit thin on the ground at the moment though.

@RandomMess

I do know of a child like this wouldn't eat at home or nursery but did once they got to school.

I guess the peer pressure changes at a new place when slightly older.

Yes, for some. But not all, by any means.

At the end of our dd's very first day at school, the teacher took us to one side and told us that perhaps it would be best if we provided a packed lunch in future. DD told us that they had sat her down and tried to make her eat it, and she couldn't and cried. She got hysterically upset even relating it to me that evening.

@thatsallineed it’s partially driven by that and then all the perfect lives people portray online. I know it’s not real but it’s hard not to compare.

I would say slightly, he doesn’t like to have dirty hands or messy play but will play with play dough, finger paints etc. just wants me to help clean him afterwards. His younger brother is the same and he’s the opposite with food.

My experience of our local HVs hasn’t been great but I’ll give them a go!