Struggling to cope with newborn

[Viennal11]

Hi all

I had a baby 6 days ago on the 19th. Birth was 'fine' i.e. not traumatic. But since coming home I am just finding this all so overwhelming. She seems quite unsettled a lot of the time and after feeding her (formula as she won't latch) it takes me ages to settle her to sleep. At night she seems to want to feed constantly and I don't know why she's so hungry. She'll have 4oz which I've been told is already too much, but she'll guzzle it down and still want more. I'm just a drained and the other problem is I feel no bond with her. At the moment all I feel is stress and the constant anxiety about the situation is making me feel sick all the time. I've barely eaten this past week as I just can't stomach the thought of food (not like me!). In all honesty, as awful as it sounds, I feel like I've made a huge mistake and I want my old life back. I just feel dead inside and can't get any joy in life at the moment, even little things like feeding the cat suddenly feels like a huge chore.

My husband does help a lot but he's stressed too and in all honesty it's more the lack of connection I feel with baby that I'm worried about. As I feel like if I had that overwhelming sense of love then I wouldn't be struggling so much.

Sorry for ranting, I don't really know the purpose of this post I guess I just wanted to leg my feelings out somewhere.

Sorry I meant I had her on the 13th

Please don’t worry.
Having a newborn baby is HARD FUCKING WORK!
A LOT of women don’t feel that immediate rush of love. I know I didn’t. It was definitely more of a slow trickle.
For the first few weeks I was overwhelmed by the relentlessness of it all. I couldn’t believe that I was supposed be able to carry on and do this forever!
I was so exhausted trying not to drown with it all I felt I had no time to bond and love.
But you just keep going. And then slowly you realise just how hard you’re trying for this helpless vulnerable little being that is entirely dependent on you. And you think, shit, I guess I must care a bit. And it grows and grows. Might take weeks. Might take months.
Newborn stage is tough. It’s so bloody tough. But I promise you, you can get through this. And it’s so so worth it. There’s so much gold to come!

Having a newborn is shit op. I've asked every single parent I know - friends and family - and everyone has some kind of sad tale. My SIL used to sit at the top of the stairs sobbing because her eldest wouldn't settle. My friend had a 'what have we done?' moment. I used to cry and cry. I know this doesn't help you right now but it does get easier, try to be strong

What you've written could have been my exact same words when I had my daughter 10 years ago, honestly these feelings are normal and many new first time mums find it all totally overwhelming. Not bonding straight away is common too, I felt like my daughter was a little alien and only started to bond with her when my dh went back to work after 4 weeks at home. It was gradual and I never had that rush of love when I first had her. I had really bad anxiety and like you couldn't eat, I felt constantly sick and in shock. At one point I had a panic attack and went beyond thinking I've made a mistake, I started thinking maybe she'd be better off being adopted! My dh got really worried at that point and called the health visitor round. She was great and really helped me.

Hey OP. Congratulations on your baby. You just have to look back at this forum to know that, for a lot of people, newborns (especially less settled ones) are completely relentless, exhausting and overwhelming. Its especially the case with your first, as no amount of googling/reading can truly prepare you for it. I couldn’t and didn’t love my DS at first; I felt this weird, primal urge to keep him safe, but I didn’t feel the overwhelming love I have for him now for weeks. I was too physically and emotionally broken myself for that for a while.

It’s okay to just survive. Read about the concept of ‘the 4th trimester’ and embrace the fact that newborns haven’t read the books. Just because they should feed a certain amount of oz every 3h and sleep nicely in a Moses basket or a sling in between doesn’t mean they will. Don’t beat yourself up about breastfeeding either. There is good support available for breastfeeding grief down the line if you feel you need it, but right now please try and not let it get to you too much - your baby will thrive no matter how they are fed.

Good luck and this supportive community is here for you

Thank you so much for your replies, they really have helped. I've just got to take it one day at a time I think, as I feel overwhelmed when I think of the long road ahead before things start to get easier. But I will get there and it's good to know this community is so supportive. Thank you all again

Oh gosh, so many of us have been there. Those feelings are totally totally normal, but it doesn't make it any easier. There is a huge hormone dump around day 5 as well which may be impacting you - I remember being pretty much constantly in tears for several days. I felt very much like you - no sudden rush of love, just pure survival.

A few bits of practical advice that helped me - always remember the phrase "this too shall pass". No matter how crap a day or night it has been, things will get better. Don't let other people take baby away unless you want some time to yourself. It's rubbish to be the one always handed an unsettled baby then once they are happy, passing off for a cuddle. Try to get at least a few minutes to yourself every day - bathe or shower and change your clothes. Try to find something you can stomach to eat - even if it's cake or chocolate.

It gets so much better. My eldest is nearly 3 and he is the centre of my universe. He tells me every day that he loves me more than the world, and I can't believe he's the same little blob that had me feeling the way that you describe. We also have another baby, who is 1 and I did get the love rush with her and had an amazing newborn bubble with. So just because you feel this way this time round doesn't mean you would feel like that for future babies (I was really worried about that).

Take every hour/day as it comes and celebrate making it through. Before you know it you'll be looking back and wondering where the time went.

The first 2 weeks were the hardest for me. Like you it used to take ages for me to settle my baby to sleep after feeding him, once I got past the first 2 weeks I started learning what worked for him and it got easier. 8 weeks now and I'm really enjoying parenting now that he is smiling and cooing at me.