I miss my firstborn even though she’s right here

[Belle82]

I know this doesn’t make sense and I’m sure it is just the 3 day baby blues, since my second baby was born (3 days ago), I have been progressively thinking how much I miss my little girl. But she’s not gone anywhere.

I think back on all the fun memories where it is just me and her and my heart hurts that it will never just be me and her again. The memories make me want to cry.
On the flip side my mind will slip to memories where I have been short and snappy with her and I end up hating myself with the shame those memories create.

I did suffer PND with my first but it manifested in a very different way.
The odd thing is I don’t feel this way when I am with her, only when I am not with her.

Can anyone relate to this at all, any tips on how to overcome it?

I’m not a mother OP, so I can’t really understand what you’re going through. But my sister recently had her second girl and sends me videos of them with big sister cuddling her little sister. It’s so clear how much love there is between them.

You are creating a family, you have given your daughter a sibling which can be potentially the most wonderful thing in the world.

Please don’t feel guilty. They both know how much you love them. And very soon they will love each other with a similar bond.

Not much advice, but some sympathy and a hand hold. I had my second baby six days ago, and I know exactly how you're feeling.

Try not to let these feelings overwhelm you. This is such a huge adjustment for all of you - you'll find a new balance. I'm missing my daughter so much as well, and I miss how straightforwardly I could just direct all my love and attention at her. But I'm telling myself that a) I will, of course, get some quality 1:1 time back with her and probably sooner than I think and b) we are building a family; she has one more person to love and be loved by, and that is really precious and special.

Postnatal hormones and sleep deprivation have got me in a vice (hence my username, I posted here a couple of days ago) so I do completely understand. Just be really gentle with yourself. Good luck, and congratulations on your family

Your milk is coming in with all its hormones.
You can cry over anything.

Things I cried about:
My cuppa being too hot.
My babies toes being so cute
The middles east crisis
My cuppa being too cold.
World inequality

You are crying over complete valid things and it will all pass. Your family dynamic has changed forever but it will be lovely in time.

Congratulations on your new little one.

Congratulations on your baby.

I remember thinking all the time about how massive DD was in comparison. And now much I was letting her down because I couldn't do any thing with her. I found once you recover and start getting back to "normal" that feeling went pretty sharpish and we formed a fun gang of three (sorry DH!)

I felt exactly the same.. I sobbed for the first week after my daughter was born (she's now 8 weeks) as I felt I'd lost my son. I literally thought I'd ruined his life and I felt so low and emotional, completely overwhelmed with emotion for him! I think how you're feeling is normal. I felt better after a week or so xx

Try changing your internal narrative to be more positive.

When you think "oh when it was just me and X things were magic, like that time we went to the zoo". Change it too, think "oh that was amazing going to the zoo together, I can't wait to take C and Y. X Will be able to point out the lions to Y, she'll love showing off to her little sibling"

Takes practice but internal dialogue is very powerful.

Thank you so much, to all of you.

The thing I think which I’m struggling with is that when I look at the times I have snapped I just know i have failed her at those times. And I see how much older she is now and I just cry knowing I can never get that time back with her. I was saying to my DH that I just wish I could turn back the clock and have been a better person and mum to her when I wasn’t and just experience all the good times again.
I suppose it all comes down to being so sad that our little ones grow up so so fast.

@pompomsgalore you made me actually lol with your response. 😂 not easy when getting over a c section but worth it.

@Kindlynow & @RedwineforSantaplease
Thank you, it’s so nice to hear from experience that these feelings do get easier & I won’t always feel this way.
My DH is getting about 90% of my LG’s time and I’m getting quite jealous 😔

@TheDuchessOfBeddington thank you, that is a really lovely thing to say, I keep trying to hold those thoughts close. She absolutely adores him.

@Babyblues1221 congratulations on your baby too❤️
In my logical brain I can definitely have that outlook and my dh has been great about reminding me of those points you made.
My emotional / highly hormonal brain paints a completely different picture. 😔
I keep trying to go back to the logical mind 🙂

@SnowdropFox I never thought about it like this before but I do love that different take on it. I am absolutely going to try that technique.

Bless you OP, I’m sure things will get better soon, we all know you can do this!

Just want to reassure you I was exactly the same when my second was born. My first started waking at night so angry with me and telling me to go away, that I wasn't his friend, and just seemed so unhappy all the time, it was truly awful.

I cried and cried and cried thinking I'd ruined his life and my bond with him forever and our best days were behind us.

Baby is now 3 months old and I feel like they have enriched our lives so much! Ds1 is happier than ever, just so excited to be around his sibling and our bond has also become even stronger than ever, which I didn't think was possible.

I also had the same guilt feelings as you as when DC1 was a baby I was a mess and did not enjoy it, whereas I really enjoy DC2 as a newborn. That made me feel like an awful unfair mother. Now I realise it doesn't matter at all.

Your feelings are normal but please be assured it will be all be OK! Things improved dramatically just 2 weeks later already. All the best!