Am I a bad mum?

[Ilikecheeseontoast]

Am in tears writing this. Have had a rough few day, not much sleep, baby has been crying most of the time as he is tired due to crap naps and is poorly (snotty, cough etc). Other two have been fighting and whining more or less constantly. Husband working long hours at the moment, I have no other support. Today I lost it with my 4 year old, I’d been calm all morning despite feeling on the verge of tears but a final fight between the older two tipped me over the edge. I screamed in her face. As loud as I could. I threw the toy they were fight over and it broke. I’ve never done anything like this before and I can’t believe I behaved this way. She was sobbing for ages despite me hugging them all and telling them how sorry I was and how much I love them. She’s been an angel since. How can I ensure this doesn’t happen again? I feel in the edge constantly lately. I just feel so bloody lonely and unsupported. Do I need to get a grip? Be kind please.

On the edge not in!

You did one bad thing
Dont do it again

LeaVe the room. breathe
Get some support
If you have three under four?
Pay for some help
Tell dh to take some time off
Or could be pnd?

I don't have children so it may not be my place to comment, but didn't want to read and run. From what I just read, you are definitely not a bad mum, you are an exhausted mum who loves her children who has had an absolutely shit day. Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure every parent has these days. Have a cup of tea and tomorrow is a new day

Yes on this occasion you have a bad mum but I bet bet you are a good mum the rest of the time. One bad experience won't ruin your dd childhood and cause her to need therapy. Just remember nobody is the perfect parent we all just do the best we can and in my opinion most of you do a bloody marvellous job and instead of dwelling on what we have done wrong we should congratulate ourselves for all we get right.

You’re not a bad mum. You had a bad moment. You apologised to your kids for doing this and gave them cuddles.

This is really important for you to frame correctly, because it’s really important for kids too. My DS is quite a sensitive soul. Ages ago he went to bed sobbing one night after I’d told him off. I initially let it go for a few minutes because I thought he was just angry at me for telling him off and sending him to bed without a story. He didn’t calm down after a couple of minutes so I went in to give him a cuddle and talk to him. Turns out it wasn’t that he was upset at being told off, but that I’d called him a bad boy. He was genuinely devastated to think he was a bad boy and has worked himself up to racking sobs about it. We discussed that he want a bad boy in general, he’d just done a behaviour that wasn’t acceptable. We talked about all the good things he also did to help him see he wasn’t bad. He settled down straight away and went to sleep.
It really really opened my eyes to some of the language we use. He came home from school recently quite quiet and flat, and immediately apologised to DH. When asked why he said it was because he was a bad boy. One of the kids has been picking on him and telling him that. It really hurt him. Words matter.

You were pushed to your limit. We all have good days and bad. You aren’t proud of your behaviour and will work not to repeat it. I would only be concerned if you didn’t care that you lost it and minimised what happened. I’m sure you’re an excellent mum.

Thank you for being so kind. I feel terrible still.

You aren't a bad dm.
Just a fucking shattered human being.
Sleep deprivation isn't used in army training for no reason...
Get as much sleep as is possible..
Tomorrow is another day.
Cut back on any chores that aren't vital. Stuff the ironing.
Make dh do all laundry.
Indulge with the dc some films and treats.
They really are so small for just a short time.
Try and enjoy the small wins and the crappy days aren't the ones you will all remember..

Should have read you have had a bad moment definitely not a bad mum.

You're a tired exhausted mum that made a mistake.
Take a time out to breathe during the day while things are tough.

It's totally fine. You are a good parent, you're just exhausted!

Take some time for yourself at some point, it's necessary for your wellbeing

Ahh I think we've all been there at some point OP - you most definitely aren't a bad mum. Asking others to be kind is not needed, most will understand your moment - you need to be kind to yourself. Do you have any family support?

A bad moment doesn’t make a bad mum.

Philippa Perry talks about the process of ‘rupture and repair’ in her book. There will be times when we don’t parent the way we want to and we let our children down. What matters for the relationship overall is how we repair that rupture - by apologising, explaining to our children that it isn’t their fault when we lose our temper, and then working out how to avoid it happening again.

In this case, you had a lot on your plate and lost it. Think now about practical steps you can take to not end up in that situation again - things like leaving the room to scream into a pillow when you’re getting overwhelmed, bundling fractious children into outdoor clothes and taking them out for some fresh air, sticking on a favourite film for some downtime etc. Plan your strategy for this scenario so that you feel confident and calm that you can react the way you want to next time.

You sound like a mother who very obviously loves her kids and wants to do right by them. That overall pattern matters more to your children than the occasional moments when you fall short of how you want to behave.