Don't know what to do

[OliviaBensonStabler]

I am hoping someone can give me some advise as my head
is all over the place.

My son is 10 and over the past couple of months he has been really playing up and lying a lot. Last month I I picked my son up from school three times because they said he had been sick. It turned out he was making himself sick to get out of going to school. Monday just gone I heard him gagging in the toilet and he told me feels fat and was trying to making himself sick. I spoke to my GP and school about everything going on because I felt out of my depth. Turns out this was another lie he only said that because I caught him, he just didn’t want to go to school. He’s not being bullied he just doesn’t like school.

He has decided he doesn’t like going to his dads so to get out of going he has been telling lies and crying. He told his dad he didn’t like him or love him because earlier that day my son had seen me and his siblings at the local light switch on and he wanted to stay longer but instead of asking to stay with me he told his dad he didn’t love him just so his dad would send him back to mine.

Earlier today I stupidly bought my son a game and when it was time to go to his dads he started crying having a panic attack because he didn’t want to go. He told me it was because his little sister hits him in the face and he doesn’t like it. It turns out this was yet another lie he just wanted to stay at my house to play his new game.

We have taken his phone away and I have taken the new game away as punishment for lying. He will also not be allowed to play on his consoles for however long.

With everything that has gone on recently my ex thinks I shouldn’t give my son his main present at Christmas and we should wait until next summer and give it to him on his birthday. My son knows I have already bought his main Christmas present and I don’t know what I should do. People I’ve spoken to have said I should give him the present and if he plays up or lies again then I should take the present away for long periods so he learns his lesson. If my son doesn’t get his main present then Christmas Day for everybody else will be ruined because he will be in one of his moods. We are going out for a meal so I can't just send him to his room.

So the question is do I give him the present or not what would you do in my situation. If anyone can offer me any advice I will be so grateful.

Of course you should give him his present!

I can see this is a really difficult situation to manage for you, but it does sound like he is a very unhappy child. Do you have any idea what might be causing it? I would speak to the school and GP again and try and get a referral to calms (it can take ages), Making yourself sick is quite an extreme way to get out of school. It might be he’s heading early into the awkward adolescent stage but it might be something deeper is going on, anyway some help is what you need.

For now, I would sit him down and explain that there are certain things you need him to do without fuss, eg going to school, his Dad’s, having a certain amount of non-screen family time, exercise, chores etc. If he does this he will get x amount of phone time, if he doesn’t he will gradually loose it. Add a bonus system so he gets extra treats for doing well. Stick a chart up in his room if you think it will help him. Try and spend a bit of time with him once a week - whether it’s walking the dog or going to McDonald’s so you can try and get to know what’s going on with him.

Make sure the phone stays in the kitchen to charge overnight. You don’t want screen addiction kicking in.

It seems there like a big focus on punishment here instead of finding out why he acting in quite an unusual way for a 10 year old.

If my son was acting like this I would sit and talk to him. A nice non confrontational chat just you and him maybe in the evening before he goes to bed when you are both relaxed. Ask what it is about school that he is finding difficult at the moment and let him know that he can tell you the truth because you want to help and you won’t get cross or upset with him. Make sure he gets regular time with you, it doesn’t have to be anything special, just playing a board game together or going on a walk.

It also sounds like he is potentially having quite a lot of screen time(phone and multiple consoles of his own?). I would cut right back and focus of loss of time outside and being active.

And yes I would give him his Christmas present but in my house Christmas presents aren’t linked with behaviour at all.

I would stop punishing him and start gently investigating where all this anxiety is coming from.