Coping with newborn after traumatic birth

[lu190594]

My little one is only 5 days old, and I had a pretty traumatic birth with him. I had to be induced, had. 3rd degree tear and lost over 2 litres of blood. Since we’ve brought him home all I do is cry. I’m I’m so overwhelmed by the whole situation, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I want to breast feed or formula feed. I feel like I haven’t got the bond with him that my husband has. Last night was the worst, baby wouldn’t settle but we didn’t know why. Am I ever going to bond with him? I just feel like everything I’d planned (birth wise) has been spoilt by the tough delivery. I just want to be able to want to have him on me, and play with him like my husband does. But I just want to be on my own. This probably sounds such an awful post, and I hope that someone can offer some advice, or just that this is normal and gets better. Thank you so much.

Hi OP, I had a very similar birth with dc1 - a 3rd degree tear and 3.5l blood loss during a pph. You are currently in the worst possible time and of course you feel awful! I'm so sorry it happened to you as well. My advice: keep on top of pain killers if the stitches hurt - mine were more painful than the 2 subsequent c sections I've had! Rest up and take it easy. Eat and drink plenty- may be difficult as I remember I totally lost my appetite after birth but you will feel a lot better for a full stomach. Get as much sleep as you can (I know it's so tough with a newborn but take shifts with your partner through the night and / or nap in the day) - you need to heal. Also you are fully in the baby blues zone which makes everyone a blubbering wreck for a while after birth- you need to remember you CAN do this, you've done amazingly to safely carry and deliver your baby and now you're going to be a brilliant mum! Bonding will come with time - lots of cuddles and skin to skin and don't stress if you're not feeling it yet. Just let it happen naturally. As for feeding- whatever works best for you and your family is the right decision. One day this will all be a slightly nightmarish memory - trust me, I've been there! - but you will get through it.

Difficult first birth here too and very similar feelings. You've just had a trauma and need time to process it but you also have to look after a brand new person. It's easier for (a lot of) dad's - they haven't just had their body ripped open and a load of hormones rushing through them. Lots of mum's don't get that initial rush of love but it's ok, bonding takes time and grows as you both grow.

Practical stuff: keep on top of your meds, plenty of rest, make sure you're going to the loo, eat something proper

Baby: plenty of cuddles, skin to skin but don't feel bad if you want to pop them down and have a cup of tea/lie down. The settling difficulty is normal, they don't know what the bloody hell they're doing or want at that stage. We used to play pass the baby most evenings for months with both of ours, whilst watching TV with the subtitles on because we couldn't hear for the crying. It gets better though.

Babies cry just because, the world is new and scary to them too, different temperatures, different noises, bright lights, they feel hungry for the first time but also have to learn to feed or at least learn to communicate their need for food. You will learn your babies cues and he will learn yours.

Your bond will come. After a non-traumatic birth I felt like I'd been hit by a truck on day 3 and was feeling all touched out. So you must feel much worse, but eventually your body heals and in a week or so you'll be feeling much better.

Been there 10 years ago OP. I really feel for you.

5 days is nothing. Even with a straightforward birth many people would be feeling emotional and fragile. On top of the normal birth things, you have a physical and emotional recovery to process. The tear and blood loss in particular is going to take some time. In any other circumstances you wouldn't expect anyone else with a 2l blood loss and a significant wound to be doing anything after a few days.

Take everything a minute at a time. Don't try to do stuff like get dressed or go out unless you want to. Getting into bed naked and having wee periods of skin to skin cuddles would be my first recommendation. Get your husband to join you, and be on hand to give you a break when needed. You can sleep or eat, or just "be" while your husband is with the baby.

If you need to cry, just cry. It's ok and normal.

Sounds like PTSD from the traumatic birth. Ring your doctor and explain what's happening.

You will get better and you will love your baby, you just need to take some time to get better.

Don’t put any pressure on yourself, I didn’t feel very bonded with my baby for about 4-8 weeks. Feel your feelings and know there is nothing to feel bad about, becoming a parent is the most life changing thing EVER and nobody prepares you for it. Newborns are very difficult, some more than others, read up on the 4th trimester and eat/drink/rest when you can.

I had an emergency c section and my baby was born right at the start of lockdown in March 2020. Nobody could help me and I had just moved out my mums into a house that just didn’t feel like my home. Weirdest time ever, never thought I’d ever adjust to my new life but I have, and you will x

I remember after DD was born (in similar circumstances) on around day 4 to 5 that I said to my husband that I wanted to give her back. Prime crying time from all the hormones going wild.

I found she was so much easier from a month old and then again at 12 weeks.

I had a similar birth - induction and then ended up with an EMCS. I remember feeling exactly like you did, especially as my partner had to do a lot of the physical caring for the baby to start with. The first week was awful - I felt like I had ruined my life and that I didn't love my baby. It's so, so normal in my experience. It will almost certainly get better over the next couple of weeks (and when it does you wont even be able to remember how you're feeling now) but if it doesnt, please seek help. Big hand hold, it's so incredibly tough - you could think about doing a birth debrief (with the hospital or privately) whenever you're ready, if you think that might help.

I had a great birth however I felt exactly the same as you. Nobody prepares you for the reality of a new born - I remember being utterly shell shocked and helpless as I didn't know what on earth I was meant to be doing. Especially when Dd1 would just cry/refuse to sleep at night when she was a newborn. I was diagnosed with PND after both DD's were born.
It must be doubly hard having those feelings and recovering from a traumatic birth. Try not to be too hard on yourself - it's a massive learning curve and accept any help that's offered to you.

It will get better. You will bond, you will feel better, you will play with the baby.

Your body and your hormones have just been through a kind of car crash. Things will get better when you heal a bit and your hormones calm down. Try to have some daily (or almost daily) skin-to-skin contact with the baby, they say that that helps a bit with the bonding but it's absolutely okay if it takes a while. At 5 days after birth you could have given me any baby, I don't think that I felt much of a difference at that point while DH fell in love at first sight. I don't remember when I bonded but I did.