Hand hold through my baby blues? Something more sinister?

[Babyblues1221]

I gave birth to my second baby last weekend. He is beautiful - bonny and big, healthy and alert. We tried and waited for this little soul, and I have been so excited to meet him. The first 24 hours were bliss - I was on cloud nine, I couldn't believe my luck.

I don't know if it's just the baby blues or something worse, but, day 5/6, and I'm feeling so incredibly low. I feel like I've ruined mine, my husband's and our elder daughter's lives. I can't stop crying. I feel utterly bleak. I'm so exhausted. I've had 15 hours sleep since I went into labour last Saturday night. The birth was, on paper, perfect - unmedicated water birth, no stitches, home the next day. In reality, I was terrified and I thought I was going to die - I've never been so frightened.

I'm breastfeeding and I hate it, as I did with my first baby. I feel trapped by it but I feel like I mustn't stop. He's having formula now too and it feels like I'm letting him down. But his cries make me feel angry, and then like a terrible mother for reacting that way.

I'm only posting here because I can't say this to anyone. I have told midwives, my family and my close friends that I'm struggling with the lack of sleep and hormones, but I haven't said out loud how dark I feel. My husband is the best man you can imagine, and he's being a rock - he's carrying all of us at the moment and I feel so guilty.

I just need a hand hold and for someone to remind me that this will pass. But is this normal? I just want to crawl into a dark room.

Just here to give you a hand hold and to say that yes these feelings will pass. Baby blues feel all encompassing at the time and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sleep deprivation just makes it feel so much worse. I’ve been there and you just have to keep reminding yourself it’s a whole mixture of hormones, lack of sleep and looking after a very precious newborn. It will pass xxx

Thank you @MadAboutMyBoy - it's cruel trick that I'm anxious about my anxiety. Every wave of negative emotions has got me mentally patting myself down for signs of something more urgent or serious. My husband is taking the night shift tonight (despite him having had no more sleep than me) and I'm hoping tomorrow will feel brighter.

Another handhold; I really would recommend talking to people though. I felt like you and one day the midwife caught me at a time when I couldn’t hold it in and I felt so much better for talking about it and she encouraged me to talk to my husband and it really helped

Hi lovely, sending you a hug! I completely understand how you feel, my DD is 5 weeks old and I felt the exact same. That feeling of anger when she cried was something I experienced too and I had overwhelming guilt afterwards. I found it useful writing my feelings down in my notes app and then talking about it with my husband. It has passed for me now which I am grateful for. Also, giving your baby formula isn't letting them down! Your baby is fed and that's all that matters. Please know you are not alone and you are doing amazing xx

I think if by 2 weeks post partum it's still this bad, see a GP for medication. There's no shame in it. It will help you see past the fog

Totally normal, 5 days in is peak time for baby blues.

Thank you for these replies. I feel somewhat better in my mood today, thanks to the first decent sleep I've had a in a week. I'm expecting a call from my midwife tomorrow so I'll be honest with her then.

God, how had I forgotten what an absolute rollercoaster it is having a new baby? There's surely some evolutionary element to it - no one would have more than one child if they properly remembered how exhausting and mind-bending it is.

Totally normally and these feelings will pass! I had the exact same feelings when my son waa born in June and I thought I’d never feel better! Thankfully after a couple of weeks things got better, then better still after another couple of weeks, this trend continued and now 6 months down the line I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and love him morw than life itself! My husband was absolutely amazing and I wouldn’t be where I am today without him - sounds like you have a similar diamond in yours so you’ll be just fine! X x

It is normal and should pass, I felt like this after DC3, lack of sleep is awful. He’s 7 weeks now, sleeping better, and I feel totally different now. But, if you’re still feeling like this in a week I would see the GP.

Don’t bear yourself up about having to give formula, I did with DD1 and 2 as they both had a tongue tie and I felt awful about it. With DC3 I decided I wasn't going to stress about it, as long as their fed it doesn’t matter.

And take sleep in shifts for these first few weeks, if you don’t have a spare room then just sleep on the sofa for a few hours a night, and swap over so you both get 3/4 hours of solid sleep a night. It made a huge difference when we started doing this.

Thanks everyone, I've been re-reading these replies every time the panic rises.

I've been feeling a bit more robust today, but the Bed Dread is setting in now.

I know this time is precious and short, and we won't be having any more children so I know I should just give myself over to it. But fuck, this is so hard. I'm so tired.

Day 5/6/7 is an absolute bitch.
Accept help from everyone who offers it and re evaluate in a few days time. If you’re much the same or worse, speak to GP. If you need to write it down to a midwife if you feel like you can’t say it all out loud. She can refer to GP and for extra help.
Baby blues are very real but so is poor mental health postnatally and sometimes the more severe cases do crop up early days so welldone to you for reaching out. Hoping this passes for you

Sending you big hugs OP, my DS is 16 months now and when I think of the hormones of the first ten days I just shudder, it was awful. The tiredness, the anxiety as it got dark. Like you I was convinced it was going to turn into something more sinister and that made it worse. For me the worst lifted after a few weeks, although I wouldn’t say I felt ‘myself’ again for quite a long time. Talk to people about how you’re feeling and don’t worry about not ‘soaking up every minute’. Xx

I don't know if anyone will return to this thread and I'm really just crying into the abyss, but I'm really struggling tonight. I just want things back to how they were before - my sleep, my days with my daughter, sharing a bed all night with my husband. Just the rhythm of our lives. How am I going to manage two? How am I going to survive months of broken sleep again? It nearly killed me the first time around.

I feel so guilty and so sad.

Day 9 today. Still early days, I know.

@Babyblues1221 lots of your feelings and thoughts are totally natural. I think it's normal to be suddenly quite shocked at the thought of two and how it changes things. Even if you've longed for the baby,.the actuality doesn't hit you until they're there.

You're right to be honest about how you are feeling. Hopefully it will pass for you, but do go to your GP if needed.