Overseas family visit leaving my 8 year old behind

[NorthernLassie21]

I'm currently living in New Zealand with hubby and my 2 children (8 & 3). My 92 year old mum in England has broken her hip, been in hospital for ages and now moved into a care home this week while we work out what to do next. Because of covid I've not seen her for 2 years so am anxious to come over to help her. I'm about to book flights for this later month, bringing my 3 year old. But I can't decide what to do about my 8 year old son - he is on summer holidays from school so could stay he with my husband and have his friends around. I know he'd love to see my UK family but I'm worried he'll get bored and be too energetic for my mum. Plus I can probably find childcare for my 3 year old if I needed to but not so easy with an 8 year old. I feel sick at being apart for 7 weeks, and he is going through a sensitive tearful stage, but then he'll have fun staying here and am I being selfish. I'm stressing about what to do. Thanks!

Take him with you, that is far too long to be separated. 8 year olds are old enough to tag along and help rather than need childcare. Surely they would rather do that than spend all their summer holidays lonely and missing you?

If your mum is in a care home how often would you be allowed to visit her? Would the kids be allowed in? They have changed some of the rules again - I appreciate this may change again before you come. But you need to be aware you might not be able to take either of the kids to see her.

I hope you get here and are able to spend quality time with her. It must be so worrying being so far away.

If you have family who can look after your kids while you are visiting Mum then I would bring your son with you. But I do understand why you are considering not.....but wouldn't it be a trip of a lifetime for him? How often do you usually come? How often can you afford to come? It would be a shame for him to miss out completely.

I would bring him with you, especially if he is going through a tearful stage. He won't understand why you took his sibling and left him at home.
Or you could present both options and see what he would prefer to do.

Will you be able to get back in if omicron is still going on would be my first concern.

What he do in Nz in the holidays, who would look after him is your husband / partner around in the day?

If leaving behind and taking with are both genuine options, I'd ask what he thinks. I wouldn't want to lug a resentful 8 Yr old across the world if they'd rather stay with dad and see friends. But I'd definitely want to offer them the opportunity to come with on such a big trip. I take it there's no possibility for your DH to come too?

Holiday childcare is generally much easier to find for school age kids. And they're easier to park with colouring/book/game. And two kids will play together some of the time whereas one will be wanting more of your attention.

How horrific, I'm so sorry. It must be awful to have to make these decisions and witness your mum deteriorating from abroad without being able to get to her.

You won't like what I'm about to say, but I wouldn't go. If it wasn't for covid I'd say just go, but I would be too scared of getting stuck in the UK and not able to get back to NZ because of covid restrictions.

(Oh sorry, ignore comment about holiday childcare, I saw summer and thought you meant our summer but you meant yours! I see the problem there. A childminder might still be able to help.)

Not a decision I'd like to have to make.
I'd check what the rules are on you visiting the care home, and if kids are allowed. Then evaluate who should go.
Can the 3 Yr old be left with Dad too?

I'd normally say leave him behind as long as your DH can prioritise doing fun things with him, but assuming you're the DC's primary caregiver I'd be hesitant because if you get stuck in the UK, it would be very difficult if you had to extend the timeframe.

It’s an awful situation, op. If you’re going at all, I would take both children with you, because all your 8 year old will remember is when his Mum went abroad for a long time and took his sibling with her, but not him

Don't leave him of course.

As pp said above I also wouldn't go at all. I know that's awful but there's so much consider nowadays, it's not just jumping on a flight.

If he’s with his father he’ll be fine! Given the circumstances for the visit it will be stressful with 2 children, I would leave them both with their Dad so you can spend quality time with your mother, you’ll see your kids again you never know when you’ll see your mother

Take him with you. I wouldn't even be considering otherwise tbh.

@HunkyPunk

It’s an awful situation, op. If you’re going at all, I would take both children with you, because all your 8 year old will remember is when his Mum went abroad for a long time and took his sibling with her, but not him

And I say that because, as an only child, the depths and staying power of even minor perceived injustices were unfathomable to me until I had my own dc!

Thanks everyone. I'm reluctant to come over, but feel I need to see my mum in case it's my last chance. I managed to get a spot in the NZ hotel quarantine system for February, so I know I can get back into NZ. There's a chance I might not actually get to see my mum in the care home though. DH will take time off in January and keep my son busy, but I'm the main caregiver normally and a SAHM. Will be hard on me and my son to be apart but not much for my son to do in winter in Manchester and I don't think I could enrol him in a school for 2 months?

Why does it have to be 7 weeks OP?
I'd definitely take him with me. What if the restrictions get worse and you can't get home again and 7 weeks becomes 7 months? Plus the resentment of you taking his sibling but not him as pps have said, can last a lifetime.

Also they’ll be away from their father for 7 weeks so unless he has to go then he should stay with his father especially as he is at school and if for any reason your trip is extended he’ll miss school

I'd take neither, or both. Probably neither if I could. I think they'd be better staying home. I hope you can sort something out and get to see your mum.

I’d take him.

@NorthernLassie21

I understand how you feel, my Mum is in NZ though & i'm in the U.K. it's bloody hard.

Omicron numbers here are believed to be doubling ever 2/3 days. Currently most homes are going down to only 3 named visitors & I expect after Christmas Day things will tighten further.
If you haven't already, you need to speak to the home & see what they're thinking. They won't know the 'rules' yet though (as they've not been made!!) but a lot of care homes will have their own rules in mind already. Plus how many U.K. family will also want to be 1 of the three? I'd be wary of taking one of the places if they're going to be there once you've gone unless the carehome is prepared to allow a name change when you leave.

Also last time it was very difficult to get residents 'released' to private homes etc if that's what you're thinking longer term.

You need to think about what you'll do if NZ closes the boarders again & you (if you're even residents??) have to apply for MIQ places and IF you were to get them, do you really want to spend two week in hotel isolation with either the 3yo, let alone both?!

How long might you end up being away for?

All that needs sorting before you consider whether to take your 8yo or not. (Which you may have already done!)

If I were you, I'd come alone. Focus on your mum & only have yourself to worry about getting back to NZ & a quarantine place if necessary.

If only we could click our fingers & switch places!!

Don’t take either. What will you do with them whilst you’re visiting your mum (if you’re even able to). It’s highly unlikely they will be allowed into the care home

Sorry cross posted with you!

It's good you've got a hotel place, I presume you've checked how many can be in the room?

Would it be an option to sort out wrap around care for term time for your 8 yo & childcare for your 3 yo and come in the new year, we should know more about care home restrictions then?!

It would be awful to be so close & not see your mum!

How is she doing since the hip replacement??

What a difficult situation. I just don’t think you should go with things as they are right now. Maybe go for a much shorter trip, by yourself?

I would not bring either and come for a shorter period of time.

Would he not also miss ur Dh ? Have you asked him what he would like to do? Tbh I would leave him at home with ur Dh and have lot of fun things planed. It's time to spend with ur mum not trying to look after a 3&8yr old