I just don't know how to deal with my sons outbursts!

[Wednesdayafternoon]

So basically my son is four years old, and he really struggles with his tantrums/outbursts. He has always been this way, he is definitely very although nothing when it comes to his mood swings. He really is the loveliest little thing, but when he gets upset he seems to get really really distressed and angry and as he gets older it's becoming harder to cope with. He absolutely does not respond to shouting or any form of negativity towards him when he's upset. But I just find it so hard to remain calm and not want to pull him up when his behaviour has been naughty. It feels so wrong to try and comfort him when he's having a meltdown and be naughty because he just feels like I'm sending him the wrong message. I just don't know the right approach, any ideas or experience with this?

When they are in the middle of a meltdown reasoning with them is impossible. I just cuddle mine and that shortens the during. Later when he’s calmer we talk about it. I also try very hard to avoid situations that might lead to a meltdown

With tantrums like this you can't discipline until he's calm, he can't connect rationally like that. You need to stay with him and let him get it all out, talking calmly and comfortingly to him, telling him that you can see he's very angry/upset/whatever right now and you're right here. As he begins to calm down hold your arms out to him, he might refuse you for a bit because he's still in the throes of it but eventually he'll come to you. He needs you when he's like that. It's hard to do, especially if you're annoyed at the time, but try it and see. They'll get shorter every time. You can talk to him about whatever preceded it when he's calm and receptive.

That's what I do anyway!

I walk away. DS's meltdowns can be very full on. Throwing things, hitting, screaming, banging things. Pulling my hair.

I simply go "no mummy doesn't like this behaviour" and I walk away. It allows me to calm down and he realises nobody is watching his performance. No screaming or shouting no reaction from me. I just exit or turn my back on him. I then just breath and remind myself it will pass. His tantrums have gone from like 1hour plus to less than 5minutes now.

Once he has calmed down I will then give him a hug and basically reward the calmer behaviour and we talk about what made him feel so angry or upset.

Tantrums are very normal at this age. If it persists as he gets older get him checked by an edpsych. DS2 had massive tantrums and we later found out he had dyslexia and other traits which meant he was frustrated but struggled to explain it/express it.

Think about it this way, we're not managing individual behaviour, we're growing effective adults.

Calmly saying that you're so sorry he's upset and you can see this is difficult, empathising essentially. Then when he's calm, back to dealing with whatever the actual issue is.

Take the emotion seriously, but don't let the behaviour change your boundaries.

Also, reflecting back his feelings, "I can see you're angry and frustrated" or whatever.

I've had a really bad night with him tonight and upon reflection I just obviously wasn't supporting him properly :(
I asked him to go to his room because he was being naughty and he was so annoyed at me and then kept creeping downstairs saying silly and mean things. Anyway I told him off and he was just escalating and getting more and more angry. It ended by me sitting in silence until he calmed down and he eventually sat and listened. He did go to bed early with no treats or iPad so I feel it was a small win.
The problem is that he is always going to explode when I start to discipline him, for example ask him to go to his room.... so I just don't know how to even approach these situations!

Thank you for the replies all xxx

The problem is that he is always going to explode when I start to discipline him, for example ask him to go to his room.... so I just don't know how to even approach these situations!

I don't like sending kids to rooms. There's lots of reasons why.

Natural consequences and coping. What kinds of behaviour is causing the punishments?

What sorts of things trigger the meltdowns?

Don't be so tough on yourself OP.

What was he doing that was naughty?

For example mine used to chase the cat. Obviously not fair on the cat and cruel. I would put him in "time out" and ask him to think about how he was making the cat feel. Only maximum of 2minutes. If he left the time out he would return and then I'd start the timer again, not reset but basically pause and return. Time out was a circle carpet mat from IKEA in the bay window.

Then once the two minutes were up, I'd ask him to tell me what he thought about his behaviour towards the cat.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes a meltdown would happen but I would simply calmly return him to the carpet circle and ignore any insults or hair pulling. And not respond, turn my back and start time out again.

Once calmness was restored, we would talk about "the cats feelings".

It takes perseverance sometimes and when you are knackered it's tough I won't lie, but don't be so tough on yourself 4 year old tantrums are tough.

His outbursts are triggered by him not getting his own way, simple as that. If he's got to wear something he doesn't want to or do something that's boring when he's not in the mood he'll just have a meltdown. He goes through massive waves of being absolutely amazing and then a. Few rough weeks. Normally if he's tired or run down or coming down with something he'll be a particular pain in the bum. I think atm he's abit over stimulated with Xmas and getting over a tummy bug from last week and just ready for a break from school but his mood today has not been good. Tonight it started because I asked him to put his pjs on and he threw a toy across the room and started saying silly things. I asked him to go to his room and he just had a meltdown which went on for about an hour. I reacted because I was so shocked and disappointed in his behaviour but now I just feel like I made it worse :( I just don't want him to think it's ok to throw his toys etc!

I wonder if this vid would be helpful to you op. Definitely reminds me to think of what pushes my buttons and why, and that our kids just need us to ‘be with’ them in their emotions so they can learn about them. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s fecking hard! And it’s also fecking hard being 4 and having these big feelings.

Following as my four year old is similarly emotional and any kind of angry response always makes things escalate. But I find it SO hard to do the calm empathetic while maintaining boundaries and enforcing natural consequences thing. I get cross with him a lot even though it never ever helps matters.

Just remember you're not trying to punish him you're trying to teach him. When he's having a tantrum ask would you like to calm down with me or by yourself? If with you this may be reading a book or something else. If not maybe he will just need to get these feelings out whilst you say you are here when he's ready. Once he's feeling calm you can teach... Eg you had some big feelings earlier when I asked you to put your pyjamas on. Its OK to be upset. It's not OK to throw toys. Next time you're upset you could hit a pillow or take some deep breathes. Also remember to offer choices when asking him to do something and give a time warning. For example in 5 minutes it will be time to get your pyjamas. Then when 5 minutes are up you can ask would you like get your paw patrol pyjamas or your spiderman ones (for example).

Also something that really helps me is remembering he needs to borrow my calm. Not have me join his chaos (which I do mess up and join sometimes too!).

My child never responded to the "come here and we will hug it out/read a book" I tried it a few times and got smaked across the face with a Peppa pig book 😂

Try different things, see what works best.

Tomorrow is a new day.