I’m losing the will with my 4 year old - where am I going wrong?

[Ohtheaudacity]

DS1 has just turned 4 and his behaviour for the last few weeks has been horrendous. I am a calm person by nature and always try to practice positive/gentle parenting but I find myself losing my temper almost daily. I’m lost.

Today for example he was playing with silly putty and got it all over his jumper and in the carpet. I said no problem, accidents happen and start to tidy it up. Cue a total meltdown because he wants the silly putty back, I’m ruining his game, I’m wasting the silly putty, and so on. It’s full on tears and tantrums and no matter how calm I stay he gets more and more angry. He started head butting the sofa. In the end I should because I just need him to stop. He finally calms down and then 5 minutes later he went and shouted in DS2’s face because he was “stealing his lunch” (DS2 is 6 months). I explain that’s not possible, he’s just sitting there, and another meltdown occurs because DS1 knows that DS2 was thinking naughty things about stealing his lunch and so on and so on.

This cycle continues all day. I can’t cope. I try to be a good parent but I feel like I’m absolutely failing.

I should add: he attends nursery 3 days a week and they report he is a lovely child. They haven’t noticed any changes in his behaviour. He seems
to have plenty of little pals if the current amount of birthday party invites is anything to go by. He is a little spoiled by grandparents and I ask them to say no to him a little more, but they’re not great at it. He is a daddy’s boy and seems to save the worst of his behaviour for me.

It sounds fairly typical 4yr old behaviour, particularly with a relatively new sibling. At 6 months I imagine the baby is starting to “do” more and it may be he’s feeling jealous. Lots of empathising with him and trying to avoid trigger points would be my advice. Also, how to talk so kids will listen book is very good.

My feeling is you are trying too hard to explain and be understanding when you would do better to be firm.

Firm and authoritative is different from shouty, out of control and vindictive.

If a four year old screams in a baby's face it is really not on. Instead of getting into a discussion about how the baby could not have had bad thoughts about stealing his lunch I would just have raised my voice, put on my stern face and said

"Freddie!
How DARE you shout in Tommy's face in that way. We don't shout in anyone's face and especially not a small baby. That is NOT OK.
I am very upset with your behaviour. If I see you do that again I am going to be very cross with you. Now go and sit down over there until you can behave nicely."

I wouldn't scream and shout but I would be stern.

Could he be overwhelmed with all the excitement of the build up to Christmas?

@Bumpsadaisie

My feeling is you are trying too hard to explain and be understanding when you would do better to be firm.

Firm and authoritative is different from shouty, out of control and vindictive.

If a four year old screams in a baby's face it is really not on. Instead of getting into a discussion about how the baby could not have had bad thoughts about stealing his lunch I would just have raised my voice, put on my stern face and said

"Freddie!
How DARE you shout in Tommy's face in that way. We don't shout in anyone's face and especially not a small baby. That is NOT OK.
I am very upset with your behaviour. If I see you do that again I am going to be very cross with you. Now go and sit down over there until you can behave nicely."

I wouldn't scream and shout but I would be stern.

I agree with this.

My friends who "gentle parent" have some of the worst behaved kids ime. They spend so long explaining blah blah blah.

Authoritative parenting styles will give a firm no, no shouting, clear boundaries and follow through on threats - "we don't smack, time out on the step until you can behave"

They are so hard at this age though.

I don't think I would have taken the putty away if he was still playing with it. I would not have given it on a carpet either though. Sit at the table or kitchen floor with him for that activity? Remove it once he loses interest rather than because he accidentally got messy.

Also agree with @Bumpsadaisie

I try to go with positive/gentle parenting as much as possible but I know it’s resulting in my toddler walking all over me so have started a more firm approach recently. My husband has never agreed with gentle parenting and toddler behaves much better for him.

The putty sounds a bit like a situation of your own making. I’d just let him crack on with it in the kitchen (or wherever is not near carpet) and change his jumper afterwards. Or just not have it in the house at all.

The rest sounds like standard new sibling jealousy and negative attention seeking. I’d just tell him off calmly but sternly for the shouting, explain briefly that babies eat yucky mushy baby food and not whatever he’s having for lunch then swiftly move on.

What are the consequences for his behaviour?
I find reasoning with upset children is pointless and I believe that sometimes children do just need to listen.
So in a putty situation I would remove him, put him down and sit with him but not give him attention if that makes sense.

In the DS2 situation I would reprimand more severely because ‘no shouting’ is one of our rules. So it doesn’t matter whether DS2 stole his lunch etc, we do not shout at each other (and we model this as adults) and so if you are frustrated then when he’s calm I might talk about strategies to help.
The other thing is that sometimes tantrums need to be ignored and sometimes they communicating something else and need to be dealt with differently.

I like Janet Lansbury’s parenting ideas.

Also is he beginning to work out that DS2 is now permanent?