How to help DD with low-level bullying

[MisterMeaner]

My DD (11) started secondary school in September - the only one from her primary school to go to that school. She's bright, happy, vivacious - maybe a bit loud at times, but lots of fun and caring. We knew she would take a little bit of time to make friends, but this term has been just awful for her.

There is a seam of girls (all from the same prep school) who for whatever reason have taken against her, and make it their business to put her down, exclude her, say nasty things about her to one another (but so that she can hear).

Another child who has a disability, and who my DD would gladly befriend as she seems a little isolated, goes out of her way to trip, kick, push and barge my DD in a subtle "it was just an accident" sort of way. DD has done her best to ignore this because she feels sorry for her and thinks she is acting out of frustration - but why target my DD?.

The form group had a Secret Santa this week, and my DD's present was a small box of chocolates that had been opened, some of the contents eaten, sellotaped shut and wrapped very badly. Usually she would assume this was because the giver was short of cash, or had forgotten and had to wrap something hastily but given the general meanness she has been experiencing she is sure it was calculated to send her a message.

She's sobbing in the evenings about how miserable she is at school.

She doesn't have a vicious bone in her body, and has tried to be friendly and kind, even to people who are mean to her, but she's just not being accepted. I'm starting to wonder if we have chosen the wrong school. Or is ever girls' school like this?

How do I go about helping her? I just feel so sad on her behalf.

*every girls' school

This sounds horrible op. My daughter has just started at a girls' school and it is not like this for her. Have you been in to talk to the head of year or had any contact with them? I would do this first and then honestly if it carried on would think about moving her.

This isn't 'low-level' bullying. A group of girls deliberately and repeatedly excluding, putting down and being unkind in order to upset another child is bullying.

The deliberately crappy Secret Santa gift also intended to humiliate and upset.

I would email her form tutor, outlining what you've said here and the effect that it's having on your dd, and ask for a phone conversation to talk it through and agree some actions.

Moving form groups is often a useful intervention in these situations - by the end of the first term, the Head of Year should have a good idea of how the form groups are panning out and be able to identify one with 'potential friends' for your dd.

Sorry to hear this. Does DD do any clubs in school where she can meet more people? Or after school activities where she could see some of the girls outside of the clique? I think you’re going to have to speak to the school.

That sounds horrible and I would be looking to move her.

I do think you have to be careful about how you come across sometimes. Nothing excuses this sort of nastiness but ‘going out of your way to be nice to a child with a disability’ can come over a bit condescendingly and that can get kids’ backs up.

That’s not low level bullying. It’s psychological and physical bullying but numerous bullies on a daily basis. This is a high level of bullying.

You need to write a letter to the head teacher listing every incident, when it happened, what happened and which bully did it. Every shove and push by the disabled person. Every comment or nasty rumour. Definitely the disgusting half eaten secret Santa gift.

You need to request immediate action be taken and a file opened in the school records regarding these bullying incidents and the steps the school will and has taken. Request a copy of their bullying policy. Request weekly meetings with the head until you feel the bullying is resolved. Inform them that she may be absent some days from school due to the impact on her mental health and you expect the school to arrange remote working support/send work home for her to do.

Have your DD start a journal of every incident, and send updates in letter form to the head listing the new incidents that occur each week. Do this every week until the bullying stops. Tell her any day it is too much to face, she can stay home instead.

If action is too slow or does not stop the bullying, then consider reporting to Ofsted AND moving your DD to a new school.

We’d never expect an adult to work in a hostile environment, the same goes for children as well. If it can’t be corrected or isn’t being corrected fast enough, then the child needs a new school.

Are you paying for this school? This is horrible. The paying thing shouldn't make any difference, really, but the form tutor should be able to help with this. Your daughter shouldn't have to suffer- and the disabled child is doing actual, tangible bullying which should have been reported.

Honestly, sorting this out is the school's job. Write in, just as you have done here.

Theres nothing low level about that op. What does the schools anti bullying policy say? Complain to the school now so they can make changes/take action before the new term.

Year 7 and 8 can be vicious at any school if your not in the popular clique as some girls scramble on top of one another and do what they think they have to stay on top, or become more popular and avoid being the victim themselves. Its dreadful DD had similar when her best friends turned against her in year 7.
She seem much happier now in year 12 and has found her tribe (which consists of the ones who are less popular and don’t conform). She actively went out of her way to be nice and stick up for people who were being bullied in school.
Speak to the school and see what things are like in term 2. Show your DD she is loved and encourage out of school activities and new friendships (although non of these are easy in the current covid climate).

This isn't low-level bullying. It is bullying. Bullying is bullying and bullying is bad. No such thing as low level bullying.

I would inform the school of this and ask for her to be put in a different form.

Your poor daughter. I agree with everyone else, ask for a meeting with the year head and form tutor. Put this on them. Ask to see their bullying policy and ask what the plan is going forward. Make sure you have regular follow ups and if you aren't satisfied move her.

I feel for you DD. When my own DD was at secondary school she had a similar experience. She was very emotional, and would burst into tears very easily if upset( as did I at her age). One year her Secret Santa gift was a box of Kleenex tissues, the giver admitted it was them and and told her he knew she would need them soon. She managed to laugh it off and said that they were on the top of her shopping list, but now she could save herself a few quid. Unfortunately the school did sweet FA about the constant taunting, until she told a tormentor to F**k off and a detention was swiftly handed out ....to DD. I really hope you have more success.

This isn’t low level this is huge debilitating bullying that is continuous day in and day out. Contact the school in writing outlining names dates times - and follow the policy.

Counselling for your daughter - not because she is at fault or there is anything wrong with her but because she has already suffered trauma

I also brought mine a book Queen bees and wanna bees which she found helpful.

My daughter is extremely self confident and highly academic but suffered some of this ultimately lockdown in year 8 and moving early in year 9 300 miles away helped. She has her tribe now

Agree with all the above about raising it with the school. For your DD, have your tried role play to help her pre-plan things she could do/say when these girls are mean to her? She plays the bullies saying the sorts of things they say to her and you play her giving responses she could use - ideally ones that won't get her into trouble. The Mumsnet classic "did you mean to be so rude?", "you can think that if you want to", etc.

Email her Form tutor please.
S/he/they will be obliged to log it on My Concern so the Safegusrding lead will also be alerted.
The Head doesnt deal with bullying issues and will have so many emails yours may get lost.
Good luck!

Thanks everyone. I emailed her housemistress, who is in charge of pastoral welfare, and she has already had a word with DD to reassure her that action will be taken. As it's the last day of term, she's not been able to do anything with the bullies, but she has taken names and will be speaking with each of them at the beginning of next term. If things don't improve she's said the next step is a meeting with all of the girls present.

Glad it's the holidays now, and DD will have time to enjoy the peace at home. I will definitely encourage her to keep a journal of every incident going forward - that's a very good idea.

Thanks again for all the advice and encouraging words. It's so hard being a parent when things like this are out of our control. I feel all wrung out today, with the emotional stress of it, and on the verge of tears myself. Kids can be so mean. Ugh.

Out of interest, (and in case things don't improve) how easy is it to move schools in year? She's in a private school, and I know that the local authority would have to find her a place at a state school if needed, but what about an in-year move to another private school? Anyone know if this is even possible?

Your poor DD.

Moving private school in year is easy enough I believe provided a) there is space and b) your DD can demonstrate any required academic standard. You’d need to ring around the schools to find out about both. Spaces are rarer in year but they do turn up.

If there are multiple forms then I agree moving forms may do the trick. Ideally to a class without a strong clique all from the same prep (whether the school’s own prep or otherwise).

I also agree that out of school friendships really, really help.