My one year old goes to bed so late, and it makes me feel like such a terrible parent

[Seaandshore]

I just can’t get my twelve month old to sleep. I’m really struggling with lack of time and space to myself. He’s up all evening, and only goes to bed when he caves in from exhaustion.

I feel like I’ve gone really badly wrong somewhere, and should have had more of a routine with him from the start.

Is there anything I can do?

I went through a horrible time Around this age. From about 11-15 months baby wouldn't settle and we were exhausted and stressed

Eventually tried the Jo Frost controlled crying method.

It took around 3-4 days before it worked but it did work for me. And then i always used the method again whenever we had a relapse and it would get us back into a routine again.

Three years on and child sleeps brilliantly. Always straight to sleep at 7/7:30

I’ll look into it, what does it involve?

He doesn’t seem to settle at all himself, just cries and stands up in his cot and cries and gets more and more worked up.

I’m really feeling like I’ve failed him. Or that something is wrong with him?

What exactly do you do at bedtime? It’ll take a couple of weeks to sort a routine and even then that’s variable.

But you may need to accept that he needs your company to get to sleep. Wake him the same time every day, week day and weekend. I’d suggest 7am. Regardless of when his bedtime is. Just wake him, curtains open, lights on.

Then have a bedtime roughly 12 hours from then. Bedtime can be a bath/milk/story then low lights and cuddle/rock quietly. If he doesn’t sleep, just lie him down and lie with him. Maybe listen to a podcast or something. Just stay until he sleeps. He will sleep eventually. If you can, adjust your dinner so you’re eating earlier so it’s less of a stress to get him to sleep.

Hopefully he will settle and then you can work on settling him without you using gradual retreat.

@Mariammah

He won’t go to bed at 730 If you get him up at 5am he will. But then you have to get up at 5am.

Omg 🤦‍♀️ why on Earth didn't I think of this? My DD has always been an awful sleeper. She has the energy of a bull in a china shop. Thank you for stating the bloody obvious! 😩 sets alarm for 4:30 ☺️🤞

My DS went through a stage like this, wasn't tired until 9pm ish. Up at 6:30-7am and used to do approx 2 hours nap at 11:30am. He just was not tired. Went on for months until he started nursery and starting doing a shorter nap.

I know of lots of children around your DC's age who preferred a later bedtime. 7pm bedtime is the ideal, not the norm.

Try not to worry!

Mine never settled by himself. Some babies don’t. They want more contact with a parent and that’s ok. I tried putting him in his cot but he stood up until he fell over and hit his mouth on the side of the cot, there was blood everywhere. I gave up - sold the cot and bought a small double bed, lay with him every night till he went to sleep. He was 3 before I could put him to bed “drowsy but awake” and just leave him to go to sleep. I don’t feel like I failed him. If anything I gave more of myself so he could have the additional comfort he wanted.

Mine never settled by himself. Some babies don’t. They want more contact with a parent and that’s ok. I tried putting him in his cot but he stood up until he fell over and hit his mouth on the side of the cot, there was blood everywhere. I gave up - sold the cot and bought a small double bed, lay with him every night till he went to sleep. He was 3 before I could put him to bed “drowsy but awake” and just leave him to go to sleep. I don’t feel like I failed him. If anything I gave more of myself so he could have the additional comfort he wanted.

Do you have a strict bedtime routine? Bath/stories etc all in the same order every night? Does he still have milk in the evening? Some warm milk might help.

My 2yo still naps but the price we pay for that is that he doesn't usually get to sleep until 8.30pm. If yours isn't waking up too 7.30 then bedtime at 8 really doesn't sound so bad.

Yep bath bottle and bed. But no bed!

He’s just falling asleep now

Thank you for stating the bloody obvious! 😩 sets alarm for 4:30
It’s true though. You can either have an evening to yourself or you can get up at a respectable time in the morning, you can’t have both. I decided a late night and no free time was the lesser of two evils, I couldn’t cope with getting up at 5am.

My DD was like this at the same age. She’s asleep by 8-8:30 without difficulty now at 4, which suits our family fine. We also had a nightmare getting her to sleep through and in her own bed, but it clicked on her own time and she sleeps like a dream.

Same here, although she sometimes doesn't drop off until 9pm. She has just never needed as much sleep as other children.

I do think kids are like adults in that some need more/less sleep than others. We do our bedtime routine and have DS3 in his bedroom by 8 each evening but 6nights out of 7 he's still awake at 10pm and he's up at 7am. Sorry not very helpful at all op, just to say I know how you feel.

for all the people who kept to a strict routine and had babies who slept beautifully, I'd have said the same with my first. Although she was the tricky one to get to sleep, pretty much everything else went according to the clock and once she'd gone to sleep it was 12 hours pretty much. DD2 was completely different! Not a routine baby or child and never has been (and they're both 20+ now). We do blame ourselves for not being the perfect mum but the personality of the baby also has a lot to answer for!

Start a new routine of supper earlier, bath, story bed etc.
Close all the blinds and curtains, turn off the TV and calm the house down.

@HidingFromDD

for all the people who kept to a strict routine and had babies who slept beautifully, I'd have said the same with my first. Although she was the tricky one to get to sleep, pretty much everything else went according to the clock and once she'd gone to sleep it was 12 hours pretty much. DD2 was completely different! Not a routine baby or child and never has been (and they're both 20+ now). We do blame ourselves for not being the perfect mum but the personality of the baby also has a lot to answer for!

Yes, you’re right. But you only found out that she wouldn’t respond to a routine by trying it in the first place I assume?

Absolutely tried the routine first - she was having none of it :-)

Mine went to bed at 10 and up at 1 and now up again I expected this in a newborn but at twelve months?

I've no real advice but wanted to comment. My DS is 13 months but has dropped down to 1 nap. He is still napping really early in the morning 9.30 until 11.30am and then is in bed by 6.30pm -7pm so very long awake window which means he is grumpy all afternoon as he refuses afternoon nap. So I do get an evening but he is up between 5 and 6 everyday. However like you he is awake during the night. Last night it was between 12 and 2. We are shattered. We go to bed early. So no advice but I feel your pain as it sounds AWFUL having him late at night. But don't feel bad, it is not your fault!

@Seaandshore

Mine went to bed at 10 and up at 1 and now up again I expected this in a newborn but at twelve months?

Mine went down at 9.45 in the end, woke up at 10.40 🙃 and then 4.25, then 8.10 & we went back to sleep for an hour as I was shattered. So not too bad but still multiple wake ups.

If I wasn't co-sleeping I think I'd be dead having to physically go up and tend to her. At least this way I can deal with her while half asleep.

www.jofrost.com/controlled-timed-crying-technique-ctct/