Struggling to meet everyone’s needs at Christmas

[Knackerednow2019]

I know I won’t be alone in this but please help. I’m at the end of my tether.
I have one son at home (16) another who lives with her dad in London (22). I divorced my sons dad after he was emotionally abusive for many years. My daughter hated her stepfather and blamed me for being with him. My son misses him but doesn’t like him.
Anyway, now I am - many years later - in a relationship with someone else. We have been together a year, he has younger kids. I feel like I’ve tolerated quite a lot of his boundarylessness as he has moved away from his entanglement with his ex and it’s going mostly great.
Except for Christmas.

My daughter (sorry I don’t get the abbreviations) doesn’t want him there Xmas Eve. She’s driving loads to come and see us and only wants it to be me and my son. My son doesn’t want him there at all. She doesn’t know him, my son isn’t really interested and doesn’t like anybody else being in the house. My boyfriend does try a bit; but it’s a brick wall.
Thing is my boyfriend says he doesn’t like the way my kids treat me. Which is where it gets complex.
It is true that they are rude sometimes and ungrateful and I do everything I can for them. It’s also true I think that the boyfriend is a bit jealous.
I told him that I wanted it to be me and the kids on Christmas Eve and then he could come over Christmas Day. He was disappointed and said we are supposed to be making a go of things and we ought to be together really. So I said ok, maybe. Also some of my friends were saying I need to put my needs into the equation so I told him he could come.
But when I raised this with my daughter she’s adamant she doesn’t want him there. She and her brother have various anxiety and depression problems that makes it all worse - and I feel so torn and distressed by it all.
I told him: sorry, we are going to have to go back to the original plan. After all, he wasn’t originally bothered about coming on Christmas Eve. And now he is upset. Honestly I feel like it’s just all too much. I can’t just keep being split between other people’s needs. The guilt and the blame and the sadness makes me feel like running away. Please help. I don’t know what to do.

He wouldn’t be right for me. No way would a man be dictating to me that I couldn’t put my children’s wishes at top priority for one day over Christmas. He’s seeing you the next day!!

You wanted it to be you and your children on Christmas Eve. He couldn’t respect that and in response you let him walk all over your boundary that you had set (and I notice you’ve had issues with that before?). I’m glad you told him that you were reverting back to the original plan.

He doesn’t get to have ‘needs’ in this scenario. He gets to respect your needs.

You've been together a year. Only. He should understand that it won't be happy families for a while. You're all still getting to know each other, really.

You don't live with this guy (which sounds like a blessing) and it's a new relationship after your last relationship was presumably traumatic for all three of you. I'm not surprised that your children want to have the house to themselves at Christmas, instead of having a relative stranger with boundary issues there.

I understand your friends saying your needs should come into the equation, but if you really thought that, you'd need to tell your grown-up daughter that it's your house and it's your decision about who's there. But you risk alienating her more than you already have from the previous bad marriage, and conveying the message that you will always prioritise the man in your life over her. Your choice.

I very much doubt that OP ‘needs’ to be with this man over the whole of Christmas as opposed to needing to be with her children. If she hadn’t felt that need she wouldn’t have set her boundary as she did.

I think your friends are giving you pretty bad advice, to be honest.

Wow. Thanks all. I appreciate that.

I guess I'm not really looking forward to Christmas at all now. I do feel like everyone wants something. And I'd like to give the kids what they want this year. I would feel terrible otherwise.

And yes I would have loved it if my boyfriend had said honey, whatever you need. I would really have loved that. Instead I just feel really depressed.

Xx

Really, honestly, be very careful about making too many allowances for what he wants in this.

He should have said exactly what you said above. He didn’t.

I sent him a really nice message explaining how things were. He got very dramatic and said I was cold and he would never uninvite me. Am I cold for texting? He was with his kids.
I am so unhappy.

You need to put your kids first. Sounds like you didn't always put them first with their stepdad in the past. This is a chance to make things right. TBH I'd be spending the whole of Christmas with the kids and not even see him Christmas Day. He sounds like a dick not to have been understanding about this. It doesn't look good OP.

I think given that you have a 16 year old at home the last thing you need is a needy partner. You've only been together a year for one thing. It's not to say that people with children shouldn't be allowed to date but this is too intense too soon and I can understand that your kids aren't ready to play happy families with him.

He’s making you miserable. It will only be one more miserable.

He’d be dumped if it were me. Fuck off with your demands and your dictating what I can and cannot do with my own children!

He isn’t worth it. Please believe me.

*it will only become more miserable.