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Parenting

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Original poster

Approriate punishment for a 3 year old???

10 replies

Pheebe · 18/12/2007 16:34

DS1 has started to be quite aggressive, unresponsive and generally naughty. Not horrifically so but enough that life's becoming a bit of a battle. He laughs at us when we try to talk to him or use the naughty step so we've started escalating the punishments to time out in the bedroom, no tv, locking the playroom door so he can't play with his toys. My concern is that I feel like we're on the verge of bullying him as I think alot of his behavious is the result of DS2s arrival, the fact that we're toilet training him and he's just moved up a class at nursery. I'm trying to give him loads of love and attention but obviously can't accept the bad behaviour, especially the hitting and kicking. Hopefully you guys will have some suggestions as its really starting to get me down and seeing him so upset is breaking my heart.
hope you can help
phee

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Nettee · 18/12/2007 17:17

My DS went through a phase like this when DD was born (2.6) - kept going with the naughty step and time out in his room if that didn't work and felt like I wasn't really helping. Then he just calmed down again and is quite good now - comparatively. DD is three months old. Hope things get easier for you soon

threestars · 18/12/2007 20:41

It's heartbreaking to have to do, isn't it? I always stick to the same one - time out in the bedroom. I explain beforehand, and I ask him afterwards if he understands why I did it, and get him to repeat to me the reason. Once he shows he understands, which sometimes I have to coax out by promising a cuddle, I do then always cuddle him and lead him away to play with something.
I also tell him what good boys do and don't do, but avoid talking about naughty boys, and find him repeating it back to me a few days later, very proud to be able to tell me.

I think all children want to be thought of as good children, and explaining just helps them to follow the 'good' path.
Good luck - my DC2 due in March, so don't yet know how difficult it is with 2...!

Original poster

Pheebe · 18/12/2007 20:47

Thanks both
I like the time out idea. how long do you leave them there for?

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CBW · 18/12/2007 22:56

I tried a Helpful chart. Every time he did something good he got a star on a chart. Trying the naughty step just escalated the bad behaviour and things got worse for us. Before I had the helpful chart I seemed to spend all day telling him off. It was nice to take a break and start celbrating the things he was doing well.

edam · 18/12/2007 22:58

a minute for every year of their age.

coldtits · 18/12/2007 23:03

Don'#t use loads of different punishments, and don't lock his toys up. Locking a 3 year old boys toys up is going to make him worse behaved, as boredom will drive him to greater extremes, and what can he do if he has not Tv, no toys, and you are busy with the baby?

Use time out in his room, and stick to it. Keep going. Ds1 had a complete behavior brakdown at 3, and is just getting back on track now - but he has had a lot ging on, so only to be expected. Try to make every day different, and every day the same, and devote 30 minutes at the same time every single day to him and him alone. THAT is what made the real difference with ds1's behavior.

coldtits · 18/12/2007 23:05

Plus ...

Pick your battles. Really pick your battles. Too many punishments in a day does not make for a good boy, it makes for a very cross, sad little boy. I'm sure you don't do that though.

Pannacotta · 18/12/2007 23:05

I could have written the OP so sorry but no advice. Was going to post a similar question myself.
DS1 is 3 this week and still awful with DS2 who is 7 months now,had hoped it woudl get better by now.
Am going to try out the "Helpful chart", think that sounds like a great idea. Did you use any particular chart CBW?
Time out not really working for us at the mo....

CBW · 18/12/2007 23:15

We made our own out of sugar paper. I gave him stars for really simple things like putting his pyjamas on when I asked him to or not biting me when he got cross, being kind to his brother etc. He got to pick a sticker and he got to put it on the chart. He even started giving me helpful points when I was being good !

OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 18/12/2007 23:20

My guess is he's doing the hitting and kicking to get some kind of reaction out of you, as well as feeling unsettled with all the changes you mentioned.

My DS went through a phase of this at a bout 3. I found reacting in an unexpected way to it helped, so if he hit me I might:

Get down to his level and give him a big hug and lots of kisses. At 3 they soon forget they are cross when given lots of affection,

Say, in a nice voice, "oooh are you giving me a massage?" (especially if it was lots of little hits he gave me). This tended to make DS frustrated but stop hitting me, then I could ask him why he was feeling cross in the first place

Just ignore the aggressive behaviour (unless aimed at someone other than me) and get him to tell me what the problem was, and them sympathise with it, or agree with it e.g. "yes wouldn't it be great if we could buy those crisps? They are nice aren't they, imagine if we ate them every day!" (while still not buying the crisps he is throwing a tantrum about in the shop)

I found how to talk so kids listen ... a really helpful book.

None of these might help your situation though, so just keep repeating to yourself "It's just a phase, it's just a phase..."

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