My brother ignores his daughters wishes re child rearing.

[missmartha]

My brother has recently become a grand father for the first time.

They live overseas and about 8 hours drive apart and have had a close relationship with his daughter until recently.
She is a bright, clever and educated woman as is her husband and they have recently had their first child. This is my brother's first grand child and I thought he'd be over the moon. I am a grand mother and it brings me so much joy.

However, from the start he and his wife , who is a chronic alcoholic, have had their own ideas as to how the child should be raised,
bottle fed, baby grows, left to cry.....whatever it is and whatever my niece does she gets it in the neck for' incorrect parenting' to the extent that he has only seen the baby once since she was born and then created an unpleasant atmosphere because he thought the little one should be left to cry while the adults talked. He now shows no interest in seeing the baby unless her parents 'grow up'.

He visited as "a mission to correct the train crash", his words, and was surprised when they were a little dismissive of him. My SiL's alcoholism doesn't help as it has caused a type of dementia.
I have tried to sooth things and have told him to leave the parenting, which is probably excellent to the parents but he is seriously pissed off by it.

Any ideas as to how I can persuade him to just let them get on with it and stop interfering?

Have you asked your niece what would be helpful?

I imagine he’s unlikely to change his opinions, whatever you say to him. So I wonder if she might prefer him to be keeping his distance at the moment.

He sounds insufferable. I'd do your best to support your DN but I doubt they'll have much of a relationship because of his poor behaviour.

The baby is only 6 weeks old so my chats with my niece have genuinely centered around how gorgeous my little g/niece is. She will be tired and need support and I am reluctant at this stage to sort of get her enmeshed with my brothers problems, because yes, obviously he's got problems. Problems with his wife and his lack of influence over his daughter now. It is pathetic really it is.

I do take your point about talking to her about this.
At the moment I know she had cut herself off from my brother at one point because of a phone call her mother made while drunk.
To quote my brother "I had a melt down and rang her and we have made it up', but they really haven't.
I feel sorry for my brother, I know this is a mess of his own making but I can't believe he's doing this and reluctantly I think I have to realise I can't do much.

Ah well. .

Why do you feel sorry for your brother? He is acting like an idiot to his own daughter and he is the one choosing not to visit. His loss.

He sounds like an insufferable know it all and you won't change him. I'm sure your niece and her husband can handle him, so leave it be and just support your niece.

What's wrong with baby grows by the way?

Sounds like he is directing all his difficulties with his wife at his daughter instead, problem solving things that aren't there, projecting. She needs shielding from that.

I'd let your niece know you are there for her, especially to vent but I personally wouldn't get involved. Not your circus and in the long run will cause you a lot of unnecessary stress.

What's wrong with baby grows?!

I’d feel sorrier for your niece than your brother.

Yes, he is acting like an idiot. I suppose because I remember him when we were children together and he was a sweet child.
He left the UK when he was in his early 20s over 40 years ago and so I have a mental image of him as that child.
That is totally unreasonable of me I know and I should remember that is difficult and even his son doesn't have anything to do with him. My brother doesn't even know where his son lives now though I think he has or had his phone number at one time.

But, I did think he'd enjoy being a granddad especially as he's always been so fond of his daughter . I have told him, and please excuse me for this to join Mumsnet and see how modern parenting is done and how successful it is.

Firstly if he lives 8 hours apart then it is not unusual that he has only seen them once. My IL live 2.5 hours away and they only saw my pfb once when he was born, then again about 6 weeks then not until we were able to go stay for a weekend. And that was possible because they did day trips. So don't read too much into this.

I wouldn't get involved. Just support your niece. The remind your brother it all changes.....as you have. The fact mum is an alcoholic might mean that your niece and nephew-in-law would rather keep their distance.

Agree with PPs, it's not unusual for them not have had much contact given the distance but your brother is coming across as insensitive at best but honestly, I think he's bullying your DN.

Offer support to her but don't get involved. If he want to ostracise his DD and DGC that's his choice.

Do you know how your DB patented his own children? It may be that your Bruce has a certain amount of resentment against her father from her own childhood and is unwilling to expose her own child to that environment.

Ahrgh spellings!
Parented
Niece (no idea who Bruce is)

Do nothing except support your niece.

Your brother and his wife are arseholes

Support your niece as much as you can

What's wrong with baby grows?!?

The person your DB was as a child is a different person to who he is now. Do not let your memories cloud your judgement.

Your niece needs you to stay out of it. Do not act as your brother's agent. Let your niece know you fully support her and if she needs to vent she can call you and speak in confidence. You mention your db son is in low contact with him. Sounds like your niece is correct to go low contact.

Your niece is lucky to have a lovely Aunty. I do think staying out of the parent-daughter relationship is the best course of action.
Just continue with your own relationship with her.

Re advising your DB to join mumsnet - he doesn’t respect what you or his daughter say about parenting - he’s not going to respect what women on the internet say.
And that’s not really the point anyway- he doesn’t need to learn about parenting, he needs to learn to keep his opinions to himself and let your niece get on with it.

Given your niece has only allowed him one visit it sounds like she is able to set boundaries with her father, thank goodness.

Continue your relationship with her and big her up as a mother, support her.

Stay out of her reln with your brother.

I think you have to go in quite hard with your brother, and say that if he carries on like this, he will loose his daughter and granddaughter. Try and get him to explain why he’s doing it - and then explain that grandparents often have to bite their tongues - his job is to be an adoring grandad not offer parenting advice. I suspect he’s doing it because his only family is out of control, he wants to control someone else’s.

The best thing you can do is give him a very clear warning.

Than k you so much for you replies.

I agree, I will continue to support my DN who is making a great job of things as it is.

To those who've asked about babygros, my niece lives in Australia where it is summer and hot at the moment.
Her mother and baby classes suggest letting a baby wear as little as possible right now , light muslin clothes or even naked . This could include a nappy depending on how the care giver feels about things.

Brother and his wife (wife doesn't know what day it is) think this is ludicrous and that any mother worth her salt should dress a child 'properly'. This would mean a long sleeved long legged baby grow, perfect for a mlld climate, not so much for the tropics and temps in excess of 30 degrees.

I am following my heart and my head now and will support my niece and my brother will become a lonely old man.

The last thing you want to do is get in the middle of things you could end up ruining your own relationships with them. DN will value your love.