Swimming lessons. 5 year old driving me mad! Should I wait until he's older?

[Indiekid84]

We recently moved my son to a new swimming school because previously he had been in a class of 9 kids and spent the whole time pissing about! He is now in a class of 3 with 2 adults. At first this was so much better. He was listening and taking part and learnt more in the first few weeks than he did in a year at the other pool. However the last few weeks he has gone back to old habits.... constantly under water, not listening, putting no effort in etc. It is so embarrassing and frustrating. Generally he is pretty well behaved and has no issues with behaviour at school. It's seems that the slightly more relaxed teaching style at swimming makes him think he can get away with murder. Week after week I remind him of the expectations and he just reverts back to messing about! He is currently upstairs crying because he has missed out on a chocolate from the tree and is having his dinner and going straight to bed..my husband is livid and wants to just cancel. I want him to learn to swim but at the moment it feels like we are just throwing money away. I've asked the teachers to be strict with him because as soon as you give him an inch he takes a mile! I just don't know how to get it through to him! He nods and says the right thing and then gets in the pool and does the complete opposite!

Kids need to decompress after a day at school. You are very harsh parents. Poor kid probably couldn't help himself.

Well now I feel really awful 😢 we are not harsh parents but I can see in this instance our frustrations may have led us to make a harsh decision. I do take all your comments on board but please remember that nobody is perfect and that people do make mistakes. I can assure you that he doesn't live in some kind of Victorian style house with strict rules and no fun! He is loved and happy and supported. The reason my husband was "livid" (which wasn't in anyway aimed at my son in terms of yelling or anything!) is because we both work extremely hard to pay a lot of money for his lessons and then we watch him messing about, distrusting other and disrespecting the adults. So although I can take on board the fact that my son is only 5, tired etc. I can also empathise with my husband's annoyance. Anyway, lesson learnt. Feel like a terrible mother again. Will have a look at postponing his lessons until he is older. Thanks for everyone's input

*Distrupting not distrusting

Gosh this could have been my child. It was so embarrassing to be sat poolside whilst she just messed around!! And totally with you that if it had been any other activity we’d have stopped it but we persisted because it’s important to us that she learns to swim. We are finally just about through it - the two tactics that worked we’re switching to a carrot rather than a stick, so I told her that if she could show me that she could behave and be safe in the water then I would take her to a special family fun swim session in the school holidays (I suggested this 3 weeks before the holidays so not too long away but long enough that she had to make an effort) and secondly the teacher adopted a tactic of taking turns in who said what they were doing, so firstly my daughter would get a minute to mess around and then the teacher would say “my turn” and my daughter had to do whatever swim practice she was supposed to be doing for a minute or so and then it would revert and my daughter got to choose. It worked well and I no longer dread swimming quite as much! Good luck!

@Indiekid84

Oh and it's definitely not a confidence issue. It's the opposite...over confident! Wanting to go under water, somersault, play for the whole lesson instead of actually swimming

Erm... I'm 52 & having hydro therapy (after an accident) & I'm struggling to 'behave'. We're supposed to walk up & down the pool to 'warm up'. I just want to swim & do somersaults etc. the freedom!

Maybe tell him you'll take him to the baths to play at the weekend, IF he behaves at the lessons?

I'd also try to find lessons at a different time!

Are there any on a weekend somewhere you can do family swim afterwards?

You're better off with a child that loves the water & gains confidence, than one that can merely officially swim 50m

You’re not awful OP, I have a 6 year old DS and I’d be exactly the same. I’ve witnessed my DS messing round instead of listening at a football club and told him off afterwards, it’s rude.

Is your DS like this at school? If not, then it’s tricky as it does indicate he’s just not interested/isn’t bothered about the swim teacher, but I can see why you’re keen to carry on the swimming!

@Confusedandworried321

You’re not awful OP, I have a 6 year old DS and I’d be exactly the same. I’ve witnessed my DS messing round instead of listening at a football club and told him off afterwards, it’s rude.

Is your DS like this at school? If not, then it’s tricky as it does indicate he’s just not interested/isn’t bothered about the swim teacher, but I can see why you’re keen to carry on the swimming!

Thank you. He is not like it at school because he has firm boundaries. Given the opportunity to mess about he probably would but he knows what the teacher expects of him and therefore has no issues with behaviour. At swimming it is much more relaxed and he therefore pushes the boundaries. He loves the water but maybe he finds the actual swimming boring because he just wants to play about.

I think for a young child to go swimming, the thought in their head is having fun splashing around. To do that after a long week on a Friday when also over-tired, and have to restrain their impulses for even longer (as he will have done all week in school), is really tough.

Young children don’t have much impulse control yet at this age and although I don’t disagree that there needs to be consequences for behaviours for them to learn right from wrong, I do think you need to consider whether you’re putting him in a difficult situation.

It’s a bit like telling an adult they can go out for a meal, and then dictating what they eat and when they eat it to teach them the “correct way”. When they just want to enjoy it.

I can see you’ve listened to feedback already and are making some changes which I think is really reflective of you though, good luck!

All the while he is playing about, he's building confidence in the water and learning what certain things feel like, and "what happens if i do this". If you take him swimming outside lessons he can get his curiosity out and maybe he will focus more. My dc are almost 5 and they recently started swimming and they're exactly the same - they don't really listen, mess about, loosely follow what the other (much older) children are doing. The goal at this age isn't to get them swimming lengths in my opinion. It's to get them happy and confident in water in a safe environment. So i feel that the money im spending (which is a lot and it's a stretch) is still spent wisely. I bet he would totally love if you or dh took him swimming for a splash around and a play. Even if it was once or twice a month for an hour.

Yes, will definitely start taking him more for fun swimming. I know someone said I can't blame covid anymore! But honestly where we are it's literally pre-book for adult lane swimming or attend lessons! His actual lessons are at a school so no options to continue afterwards for a fun swim. I will however do this as soon as we can because I loved going swimming with my parents when I was a kid and I know he'll love it 🙂

Friday after school is a bad time for any lesson. Especially for a 5 year old. It’s still a very young age. I’d leave it another 6 months and then try again on a different day. Also in my opinion for consequences to be effective they need to happen at the same point in time as the bad behavior. So early bedtime wouldn’t really work.

DS does this. He is just too excited to concentrate on the lessons.

We take him to Waterbabies so I am in with him and can grab him when he is meant to be swimming.

I ignore the swimming underwater etc when it isn’t his turn to swim.

I redirect into things like “star float on your front” which is a swimming skill anyway.

I take him to “do what you want” swimming separately (on a different day in a different pool), where he can pretend to be a shark, swim underwater, jump in etc to his heart’s content. I warn you, we are usually in there for 1-2 hours. He does not get bored, just eventually gets cold.

You need to see the bigger picture. He is five and loves swimming, which is great. That makes it hard for him to focus on swimming lessons, but he won’t still be doing this aged 10. DS is already way better aged almost-5 than he was when he was 3.

Is there another pool in the next town you could take him to for fun swimming?

@Anomelettefortheroad

Is there another pool in the next town you could take him to for fun swimming?

Will do some research ☺️

If this is the only time he gets in the pool I'm not surprised he is messing around. Pools are fun and he wants to play. He's 5.

It is a bit like being taken to a huge play park at the end of a long week - marched in. Told to use the swing at acertain time in a certain way. Wait nicely and then leave and then being told off for wanting to actually play!

I know you can't in covid but we used to time the session to play before or after. Treat the "playing" in water as an important part of learning to swim (in open session) as the long term goal is being able to swim, not to behave in specific classes.

I do some work with parent groups (nothing to do with swimming) and so much is about seeing it from a child's perspective. So often we "punish" a child when it is us who need to change perspective or the environment etc.

Thats not at all to make you feel guilty, its just part of parenting and us learning about our amazing kids (they didnt come with a rule book and all that!) So hes showing you he enjoys the water and wants to play! Yay! Hes showing you that friday eve isnt a good time to have to follow instructioons. This is all communication . A 5 year old has very little control over their timetable so this is him showing you. It isnt something to punish but for you to make the changes. I hope that makes sense x

A lot of pools seem to only have family swimming for a few hours Saturday and Sundays. Not as easy as just take them yourselves....

It does sound like these particular lessons aren't working for him at the moment. I'd look for another day, or try again in six months. Also look for the intensive courses in school holidays... maybe a lesson each day will help as its less of a novelty.

1-1 can work well as they can incorporate some play in . The problem with early grade group swimming is so much of it is sitting and waiting/ once you can swim lengths you get away from that and you can get to that level much quicker 1-1.

I would srill go down the family sessions some sat/sun route if thats when they are though! And less rushed than after school.

I'm a swimming teacher I like to be firm get them to sit on the side to lesson to instructions but at the same time swimming should be fun. Fridays can be the worse days as they are tired from school all week. I think its unfair punishing for being a typical 5 year old child . It might be worth having abit of a break or change teachers.

BTW a good teacher will make the lessons fun and engaging that's what makes them more likely to learn. For instance we had reindeer races, gathering all the 'presents' for santa from the pool getting them to kick their legs on the woggle and put them in the hop. Then we have a Christmas duck race with the duck onto of the floats kicking across. There's some structure of course but lessons need to be engaging.

Thanks again everyone for the perspective. Lots to take on board.

I don't think you should feel bad at all! You are doing your best, asked a question and adjusted your view based on other opinions - good for you - nothing to feel guilty for.

Absolutely. Please don't feel bad.

Some kids take to swimming lessons earlier than others. It’s important to instil enjoyment of being in the water and do the formal learning at the right time. We’ve just pulled my 4 year old out but for slightly different reasons (she was becoming distressed)

I’d give it a rest for a bit. Don’t worry, I only started learning at 6 and swam competitively from 8 right up to inter-university level!

I think I may have come across a bit harsh last night and I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re not a horrible parent, and I’m certainly a long (long!) way from a perfect one. Mine are older now, but I remember how grown up 5 seemed when my oldest was 5, and how young 5 seemed by the time my youngest was 5, simply by a change of perspective. And I didn’t have the challenge of covid and neither did my small children. I hope you salvage some weekend, and find a swimming solution that works for your family.