Anxious to look after two under 2

[twolittledickybirds]

Hello,

We've recently had a new addition to the family. We now have a complete whirlwind of a toddler and a newborn. OH goes back to work this week and my anxiety over looking after two children is really getting to me. I feel pathetic.

Main concerns are practical things but I'm getting so upset at the thought of it. Is this normal? Do I just get on with it like I did with the newborn and it'll all click into place eventually?

Sorry for the rambling post. I just need to know if others felt like this and how it went for them once partners returned to work. Practical advice welcome.

Thanks.

Yes I still feel like this even 4 months in! It's tough!!
Top tips...
Wear baby in sling so you have two hands to play with the toddler
Feed toddler a snack / coordinate meals so toddler eats when baby eats or if not possible try to encourage toddler to do a solo activity whilst baby feeds otherwise.. TV is your friend.
Double buggy for the win plus back up sling if baby gets restless
Reigns for toddler when out and about
Create baby den with play gym to try and keep toddler from trampling on baby.
Sometimes both will be crying at once, work out who needs you most at that time and sort them out first...
It is soo tough but I'm told it gets easier when they start playing together!

I had an 18 month gap. In hindsight what I should have done and what I did are two different things. If I had my time again I wouldn't worry about "wife" duties and I'd just concentrate on enjoying the children.

prioritise them over everything else, if you don't get a wash load done or the hoovering done it doesn't matter. Imagine yourself having a day with them and not having to do anything else.

Plan ahead for meals, as PP said try to feed both together, I had a high chair which was also a low chair and it was brilliant. Toddler went in low chair and could climb in and out as I'd had c section and couldn't lift him.

Get outfits out night before, have two changing mats and all the gear, one upstairs, one downstairs.

Relax on rules if you have to and go with the flow.

If possible when other half is home, have a quiet half hour to recharge your batteries, a nice bath, go for a run, whatever works.

Good luck

Get your OH to do as much as they can when they are at home; it should be 50:50 at the very least, if not them doing the bulk of it when they can.

And get as much prepared for the day in advance. Even down to can your OH make a sandwich for you to leave in the fridge so you're not trying to make lunch for yourself as well as juggling toddler lunch and the baby. Have everything you need for nappy changing to hand. Have a bottle of water so if you're stuck on the sofa at least you have a drink. Have popular keeping the toddler occupied toys stashed around you can distract them at short notice if you suddenly have to change a poo explosion baby.

Remember the aim of the game is everyone staying alive, you don;t have to achieve perfection.

Honestly one thing I found helped me cope was to get out each day even for 20 minutes. A walk around the block, to the corner shop wherever. Nicer days to the park if you can. It tired toddler and broke the day up plus sometimes gave me the chance to speak to another adult if dh was out all day. Stick to basic meals and don't worry If dc have more tv or whatever than normal

Thank you all. I can safely say wife duties weren't getting a look in anyway! I think maybe I need to invest in a double pram to allow us to leave the house. Toddler refused to walk often. Some good tips on coordinating feeding, etc. thank you.

I think I've forgotten how to entertain my toddler and I haven't been a full time mum for a while so that's maybe playing on my mind as well. I think planning some activities for him in advance might help?

How long did it take you all to feel confident in "managing" two?

I remember those days so well OP. I had a two year age gap.

It was hard. But definitely do able.

It definitely helps to have as much organised in advance as possible. Every night I would pack the change bag so I could just grab it and go the next day.

Do whatever you need to to make your life easier. Double buggy is a must in the early days I would say. Focus on what you 'need' to get done each day and don't worry about letting stuff like house work slide. Some days just getting everyone fed and dressed was a success.

It will get easier. You'll find your own routine/rhythm and it will all become second nature.

I appreciate you are anxious op and with good reason. It is no mean feat.

I did it so I know how you feel right now. It is quite intimidating being the sole person in charge of an infant and an under two. It is objectively a big deal, you are not imagining that. But with real, material help from dh you can get through.

Please do not expect too much of yourself or the children. Slow right down. Routine can be a great help in the sense of a rhythm for the day, the predicatability of which children respond well to. At this age they are not looking for excitement, familiar is good!

DH can and should do a lot to help. For example, take over all food organisation (buying/ordering, putting it away, cooking for the next day in the evenings etc), laundry, and a tidy up before bed so you have a reasonable space to function in. It may read as a lot but if done more or less everyday it should not be too tasking. Every meal cooked in the house should be doubled or trippeled in volume and frozen in portions. This is a huge help.

I advise strongly that you establish this in detail before he goes back as he will quickly forget the grind (read a million threads on Mumsnet!). He will also have never done it solo, and will therefore not really understand how draining it can be. I also advise NOT discussing it in terms of help you need but rather in terms of what needs to be done and his share of that. That last bit is very important.

It will slowly evolve. Setting your day up in blocks like they do in school can really help. Feeding both at the same time is wonderful when you get to that point.

Fresh air every day is really good for you and the babies if you can. Even 10 minutes. Don't underestimate how much a child can enjoy mucking about outside with the right clothes on, it can be a real tension buster.

At somepoint soon take a fewvhandfuls of toys from the two year old. Put them in bags. When the going gets tough you can produce a "magic" bag - that one worked wonders for me.

A bath with all three can be good if you have a tub.

Don't be hard on yourself OP. It is a tricky time - on the one hand it can be lovely and joyful but on the other exhausting and lonely. I felt like a failure many times in that period but looking back now I wonder why I expected so much of myself.

Good luck!

@twolittledickybirds

Thank you all. I can safely say wife duties weren't getting a look in anyway! I think maybe I need to invest in a double pram to allow us to leave the house. Toddler refused to walk often. Some good tips on coordinating feeding, etc. thank you.

I think I've forgotten how to entertain my toddler and I haven't been a full time mum for a while so that's maybe playing on my mind as well. I think planning some activities for him in advance might help?

How long did it take you all to feel confident in "managing" two?

*trippled

It can be helpful to "reframe" time. I always think that 20 minutes inthe life of a child is probably more like an hour or two for an adult.

If you have named blocks of time (art time, book time, lunch time, silly time etc) set up in different zones (kitchen table, coffee table, bedroom etc) for the two year old life can go quite well. Drawing at the kitchen table, building at the coffee table, silly time the kitchen sink etc.

I used to have bath time in the kitchen sink for the two year old while I was nursing the baby. She loved it, it was perfect size, no bending for me, very low risk. I look back at those moments in particular as very peaceful. She loved splashing, baby loved the quiet and I could have tea! In peace!

In terms of how long did competence it take - well you know yourself, as soon as you have it nailed with young children something changes! But what you do find is that your own expertise grows all the time.

For the first few weeks there may be a lot of Cbeebies on TV... and that is fine. Be kind to yourself, and slowly you'll find your way :)

I had 15 months, the fear was awful and I sometimes still feel like I’ve forgotten one (I have an older one too). My friends say we look like the Family Von Trapp.

It does get easier though. The first time is the hardest, I ordered takeaway that night so no cooking!

18 month gap here and I panicked a lot!
One of my top tips is to write a list of what you needed in the changing bag to leave the house and put it on the fridge. That way you don’t have to try and remember and think when you are knackered!
Baby bum on tv is your friend.
Take snacks everywhere for the toddler.
If you can send the toddler to nursery a couple of days a week.
Have somewhere safe that you can put the baby when you go to the toilet etc like a travel cot.
Good luck, you will do great xx

Oh yes that's reminded me I had the travel cot in the kitchen so that I could put a few toys in it and the baby and run upstairs to the toilet without the baby getting trodden on by the toddler. I also had a big pram downstairs which baby slept in during day. Toddler still had daytime nap upstairs in cot so wasn't disturbed. I also always had a bottle of water when I was breastfeeding as I was thirsty.

I always kept the pram/changing bag packed ready to go out and didn't use it in the house except to refill it.

Double pram was used for a good couple of years.

Crayons and paints didn't make an appearance...that was for nursery and play group!!

Thank you all for being so kind. Perhaps it's one of those parenting illusions when you think it comes easily to everyone else but you.

I'll be using these tips. The health visitor is coming over soon and I'm wondering about sharing my concerns, sure she will have heard it all before and it might be good to talk it through in person with someone.

We're 10months in. It's manageable now without collapsing at the end of the day. I think maybe the first 4 months were insanely tough. Lower your standards and your expectations. Take all the help you can get. Try to get out of the house once a day if you can. Shower before your partner leaves in the morning. Leave all the housework to your partner. We had to put our son in nursery for 4 days a week instead of two as I couldn't handle it. In all honesty, I wasn't fit enough after the pregnancy. I'd been very sick, so lieing about in bed. The difference for me has been going to the gym. But obviously couldn't do that until there was the time to do that. Catch 22. Good luck! You will all get through it and it will get easier.

I know a lot of people who have been in your situation. Not one of them has found it easy. You are coping as well as anyone else I promise.

The other thing that worked for me was following a routine for the youngest from practically day 1. I was too busy and overwhelmed to think about what she needed or to watch for cues. I wrote the routine on the board in the kitchen. Then if anyone else was in the house, they could chip in and do the babies bottle or put her in her cot for a nap without having to consult me. It really lifted the mental stress of having to think about what she might need and meant I could concentrate on my toddler more. Only downside is, visitors think your mad when they spot the board!!!!!!! I've had a lot of teasing. But it saved my sanity.

Mine have an 18m gap.
I'd say make sure that the change bag is packed the night before, a backpack one is definitely easiest, so you can just grab and go when needed. Have spares of everything so things can be in the bag already instead of hunting for toddlers favourite teddy or baby's dummy or whatever when you just need to leave.
Go to as many toddler groups as you can and take baby in sling so you can play with toddler there, speak to other adults and get out the house. This tires toddler out too, so they have a more chilled afternoon and you can be guilt free because you have done something worthwhile and good for them in the morning.
And try to synchronise naps. My worst time was when the toddler was having 1 nap and the baby was having 2 (around 2/2.5 and 9months to 1/1.5 ish) because once we got up and sorted for the day, it was practically time for the baby's nap. Then once they got up, we had lunch and then the toddler went down for his nap. Then he got up and the baby went down for nap2. And then once baby was up it was time to sort dinner etc and we hadn't left the house! That felt like groundhog Day of putting children down for a sleep and nothing else!
Accept help, from anyone, with anything. My mum would take the toddler for a day, yes please! My sister would pop round and play with the toddler for a bit or hold the baby for a while so I could just focus on one. And on a smaller scale, people smiling and making conversation with the toddler in the queue at Tesco, yes please! But of entertainment for him, not doing any harm.
And lastly, learn to smile and nod when people say "you've got your hands full" like you've never heard that one before! It's kind of annoying but people are only being sympathetic so just take it face value. It's not worth being wound up over a stranger's passing remark. I've had friends get so annoyed by this, why? They are just wasting their energy being annoyed.
It's easier than it seems when you are looking ahead with this big challenge in front of you... Although I wouldn't do it again! 😂

Just to add, I also got married when youngest was 4 months and oldest was 22months and so had all that to organise and do stuff for. So it was a crazy time but I must have had some brain space for other stuff! Luckily, baby was fairly easy for first couple months then got progressively harder until 18m. Also, if you think you have pnd, get help for it asap, I got some medication for it and everything felt so much more manageable then.

Jumping in and saying thank you to everyone who's commented on here, as I said above I'm 4 months in with my 4mo and 23mo and I've found it so tough and put a lot of pressure and judgment onto myself for being a crap mum (I basically feel like I'm split in two and not giving either of them the attention they both want!) but you've made me realise that it really is a difficult thing to do, it's not just all in my head, and I'm feeling better that actually we are getting by, we are coping. We are doing OK. OP I hope you celebrate the successes of each day (I got two kids dressesd, they were fed, no one was injured, we had fun doing xyz, toddler did this which was funny) rather than focus on what you didn't manage to do, as I have been for the last 4 months!

I second synchronised naps. Having an hour or two off in the middle of day to melt on the sofa was bliss.

I think I beat myself up for a while thinking I was being being shit. Then I realised, it's just really hard! But I look back on the past 10months now and in hindsight I'm impressed with us as little family. The bad bits are starting to fade and I'm remembering the nice bits.

Just crack on and do the best you can. Lower your standards on a lot of things until you establish routines.
We have 6, it can be hectic but everything gets done eventually. Have a priority list, self care is usually at the bottom. I think you need a way to relax/de-stress, try to carve out a little time for yourself each week if you can. I was so exhausted physically and mentally after our twins (4&5) then I got in to weightlifting, that is my me time (4mth old sits in her chair watching me or naps, joy of a home setup).

Always have a second changing bag ready to go.

I always had another bag in the boot of extra clothes for both, older clothes just for spares.

Always put toddler into the car first as the newborn can't escape.

I had sudden problems getting my toddler to bed, turns out he didn't like the baby being downstairs.
Simply saying goodnight and taking the baby up to its room for 5 minutes while the toddler was brought to bed sorted it out.

Always have a selection of snacks with you and a couple of ready made milk cartons in the bag ifvyou aren't breastfeeding.

I remember being told it takes about 12 weeks to get the hang of two and they were right.

It is daunting.

Don't do jobs if they both are napping, put your feet up for a bit.

Good luck, you'll be fine.