Solo toddler bedtime with newborn witching hour

[Carbis]

I am very lucky that usually DP is around at bedtime so we can divide things up but he’s going to be out next week and I am apprehensive about how I’m going to manage our toddler’s bedtime alone.

DS1 is 21 months old. He goes to bed at 8pm. One of us needs to be with him while he falls asleep. Recently, this has taken longer, I think he’s unsettled since the baby was born, and it can take 45 mins of back rubbing in the cot for him to fall asleep. If I leave the room he cries hysterically.

Routine is:
Bath every other night (will skip this on days DP isn’t there)
PJs, milk (still from a bottle - I know this needs to stop but I don’t want to take it away while he is adjusting to the new baby) and teeth brushing in my bedroom.
Stories in DS’s room then into the cot.

DS2 is 5 weeks old. We haven’t started a bedtime routine yet. He is pretty unsettled in the evenings from about 6pm until 10pm and needs lots of feeding, cuddles and rocking. He is breastfed and won’t take a bottle or dummy.

Does anyone have tips about how to manage bedtime when I’m on my own? Before DS2 was born I thought I’d feed him and pop him in the bouncer but he’s isn’t happy with that.

Different for us as DD1 is older so self settles and if DP is out I bath and put DD2 down first while DD1 watches Paw Patrol downstairs with a much coveted snack as a bribe.

Clearly not an option for you if baby is unsettled in the evenings. Could you use a sling? Both of mine hated being inward facing but most babies like them I think. I’ve not breastfed but would it be possible to sit by the cot and feed/rock baby while shushing DC1?

I think sling/feeding baby while doing bedtime is your only option really. Could you do a bit of sleep training to get DS1 to sleep by himself over the next couple of nights? We did gradual retreat that was largely tear free and relatively easy.

The sling could be the answer. I need to learn to feed wearing it, then I’ll have it nailed!

The thought of sleep training did cross my mind but I’d hate to do it for the sake of the odd night that DP isn’t there. I also want to keep as consistent as possible while DS1 adjusts to having the baby around. I feel so guilty that I’m dividing my time as it is.

We did try reducing the amount of rubbing and time with him but every time we make progress we hit a bump in the road like separation anxiety and go back to whatever works. I just feel so lucky that he’s sleeping through all the way to 7am, instead of multiple night wakes and being up for the day at 5am!

My son is 3.5 and my daughter is 15 weeks and I generally have to do solo bedtime most of the time as my partner is working. I'm also breastfeeding. I was really stressed about having to solo it once his paternity leave ended but it is possible, and it gets easier the more you do it too. Definitely baby wearing and tactical breastfeeding whilst reading story etc. I also had a couple of gos doing it on my own whilst he was still in the house to build my confidence a bit. I promise you will manage one way or another

Yeah you’re just going to have to do the bedtime routine one handed with the baby attached. Ideally they would sleep in the sling but mine always wanted to feed at that time so I just had to deal with it. Hardest bit was getting DC1’s pjs on - I’d have to just put the baby down and let her scream while I did that - but everything else was basically achievable provided you leave enough time for it.

Cuddle and feed baby while with the toddler. If toddler will fall asleep in your bed you could all cuddle in there and carry toddler to their own bed later once asleep.

Always go for the path of least resistance!

Could also gently try leaving toddler for short periods, eg read a story then "mummy is going for a wee, I will be back" and so exactly that, go to bathroom and wee/stay in there for a wee length of time and go back". If toddler accepts that try "mummy just needs to do the washing up, I'll be right back" and so on. You might find this helps toddler to feel secure that you will come back and they may start to fall asleep while you are gone.

I know you said you tried the not back rubbing thing, but if you could try again this would really help you not having to do that and baby.

Get a comfy chair in toddler bedroom, and see how he responds to you sitting in it and just being there instead.

Similar age child here who also needs us with him to sleep, but will now go like above. If this works over the next few weeks, then at least you are hands free to feed baby if needed

I feel for you, OP. My first is a bit older and self settles fine but solo bedtimes with my crying newborn to manage while I try to get my boisterous three year old dressed and then read him his bedtime stories are still hideous. The sling, as suggested by others, sounds like your best option. For your toddler, the thing that worked for me when I was trying to get my boy to go to sleep on his own was to leave a toy he usually had in bed somewhere else and, after a minute or two of hand holding in the dark I’d say ‘oh, bunny’s not here. Mummy will just pop out and get him’. Then I would indeed pop out and come back with bunny. After the first couple of times i spent longer ‘getting bunny’. Once he was used to me leaving and coming back I’d just say ‘Mummy’s popping out. Back in a moment’ and wait outside. If he called for me I’d call ‘just coming!’ cheerily and give him a bit longer before going in. Didn’t take long for him just to drop off on his own. I think what helped was that the first few times he didn’t think of it in terms of me leaving him but in terms of me doing something for him.

Thanks @Anonymum30. I might try a practice run if I’m feeling brave! Sometimes DS1 surprises me and makes things easy for me when I least expect it.

I’ve tried telling him I’m popping out of the room for the loo but he just screams straight away. I should keep going with it though. I think my issue is that if something doesn’t work the first few times, I give up. I haven’t tried going back for a toy though @Roseandgeranium, I’ll give that a go.

We’ve got a comfy chair in his room so I could try sitting on that too.

On the plus side, it was only 20 mins of back rubbing tonight.