Hi there, I wanted some advice on the contact arrangements I have with my children's dad and whether you think they are beneficial or detrimental to my children?
A bit of a backstory, I have three children, a son aged 9 and two daughters aged 8 and 6. I was with their dad for 8 years and I left him 2 years ago because he was a narcissist and abused me emotionally, psychologically and financially. He forced me to leave the flat we shared as I was not on the tenancy agreement and refused to give me any of the furniture (even the kids' beds!). So I found a house for me and the kids and since then they have stayed with me for 4 nights a week and with their dad 3 nights a week. It is not at all amicable between us and he still tries to control and manipulate me, especially through the children. It has been a really tough time. The break-up affected my son the most (he has anxiety anyway and that just made it 10 times worse). It didn't help that their dad would tell the kids that it was my decision to leave and that he still loved me. So at the time, they blamed me, my son would constantly cry to be with his dad and would refuse to get in the car when I picked him up. He started having meltdowns, really bad behavior and low self-esteem. This got better after 6 months and the kids managed to get used to it and it stayed like this for about a year then. Then 6 months ago, their dad introduced the kids to his new girlfriend and since then, my son's behavior has reverted back to how it was when we first split up; meltdowns, anxiety attacks, refusal to talk, bottling up emotions, fits of rage, extremely low self-esteem. I talked to the school and managed to get him referred to counselling. I told his dad all of this.
The kids came home one weekend about a month ago and told me that their dad's girlfriend is moving in with her 3 year old son to the 2 bedroom flat that he rents. When I asked where they would all sleep, the kids told me that all 4 children were going to sleep in one room! I told their dad I was unhappy about this and so he agreed that when my kids are there, the girlfriend's son would sleep in his bedroom.
Since the move, all three of my children have reacted really badly, they have been extremely emotional, angry and hard work. They tell me the types of things their dad says to them and it's not right, it's manipulative. I worry that spending 3 nights a week at his is not good for them in the long run, however is it really ok to change contact arrangements now when they're all obviously already struggling with a huge change? I also worry that they'd resent me as they do want to stay at their dad's 3 nights a week. I just want to know what the best thing to do is?