Still struggling with breastfeeding guilt

[mummyof2littleones]

(Already posted this in infant feeding thread, but had no responses yet).
My baby is 9 weeks old now and was breastfed for the first month but I stopped as baby wasn't gaining weight as she should've been and I was advised that I wasn't producing enough milk for her. I didn't receive a great deal of support from professionals, despite asking the community midwife and health visitor for help. They were obviously concerned about my baby's weight too and both suggested formula feeding instead. We slowly transitioned to bottle feeding and our baby girl is now gaining weight brilliantly and seems very happy and healthy which is the most important thing. However I feel as though I am struggling to get past the guilt of my body letting her down. I have thought about trying to relactate and go down the combi feeding route, but I'm terrified of my little girl dropping weight and not getting enough nutrition from me again. Does anyone else have similar experiences and any advice on how to move past the guilt?
Thank you in advance.

Please, please don't feel guilty. You've done the very best thing for your baby by stopping breastfeeding her. I thoroughly recommend you read Cribsheet by Emily Oster. She looks at the data behind different parenting decisions. She takes a comprehensive look at all the data behind breastfeeding v. formula feeding and there's a really interesting bit where she looks at data for the claims made about the positives of breastfeeding and finds that the majority of them aren't actually backed up by data. As far as I can remember the only proven benefits are reduced breast cancer risk for mothers, and short term very, very slight reduced risk of gastro problems for babies. I really hope you can find a copy because it'll reassure you you've done exactly the right thing.

You said in your post that she's a very happy baby, so you're clearly doing an excellent job.

PS. your body just grew and gave life to your daughter so it's definitely not let her down!

You absolutely haven’t failed her- the opposite! So firstly get off that bus. Sounds to me like you made the right choice for her and she’s benefited greatly.

For the next chapter- could you pump and see if you can build up supply?? This would be a good start to going down the combi feeding route. I’m due first baby in Jan, at my antenatal course on breastfeeding they reassuringly said that any feeding choice doesn’t have to be permanent and it might change depending on what happens so try and stay flexible, from a mental point of view! So perhaps you could try pumping- that would give you an idea of supply, and you could do a mix of breastfeeding/pumping/formula and see how you get on. Congrats on your baby!! Xxxx

I combi fed after struggling for the first three months. It was hard. No doubt. I needed lots of support and while we got there in the end I don't know that I would necessarily "recommend" it! 😂 You need to talk about it with a breastfeeding support service - LLL or TBN - and see what your options are and you'd want to discuss this with whoever is supporting you at home (partner, pal, mam etc) because they will have to help you if this is something you want to do. It's probably physically possible and breastfeeding can be really rewarding.

But, look, you have just done a huge thing. Emotionally and physically. Breastfeeding is lovely (sometimes) but it isn't the be all and end all. I know a lot of women get fixated on it as some kind of gold standard but it's just one thing. There are a million things ahead of you. A million different ways to provide nurture and show how much you love your bairn. It doesn't all come down to how they were fed for the first few months of a loved and cherished childhood.

Good luck, op.

The passing of time was a massive help for me alongside getting help for my pnd. I beat myself up something chronic for giving up expressing and my failure to bf, alongside them being ivf babies and being born via elcs. I was just one big fat failure (my weight was another good stick to beat myself with!). I didn’t even manage to bf for their first day, the mw supplemented with formula from a cup because my DTs were starving.

In my experience nobody really gives a shiny shit how you fed your baby in the early days once you hit weaning, and certainly not after the 1st year. Your MH is so important, a happy mum = happy baby. You fed your baby for a month, and formula is not poison! You’re doing your best by your baby however you feed her.

The guilt will lessen in time, and you’re doing your best with your little one. You’re a great mum 💐

Blimey - you haven’t let anyone down.

And I can tell you there are plenty of bottle fed babies in my family (and many other) that are now teens, in robust health and doing brilliantly at school and university.

It’s about doing what’s best for you - let it go and enjoy your lovely baby

Thank you everyone for all of your lovely and reassuring replies! I think I set myself such high expectations that doing anything other than that would make me feel guilty. My first child was bottle fed from day 1 through choice and not once did I ever feel guilty about that. He's now a happy and perfectly healthy 5 year old so I know formula is not poison by any means. I'm the last person who would judge anyone for how they feed their children, yet I'm struggling so much to tell myself that this time round I have nothing to feel guilty about.

The most selfless thing you can ever do as a mother is to let go of ‘this is what I wanted to do/how I wanted it to be’ and do what’s best for your baby. You’ve done that, well done to you.

I’m sorry it hasn’t been what you hoped but you’re an amazing mum.

There is a book called why breastfeeding trauma and guilt matters, I would recommend it. I had an almost identical situation to you xx

I felt exactly the same as you. My little boy was born a tiny 5lbs 8oz and my body just couldn't produce any milk and baby was struggling to latch. It was extremely frustrating. The midwife came to my house once 49 hours after the birth and tried to help but said I needed to decide if I was going to persevere or use formula. I decided on formula as baby was starving and so little already I didnt want him losing anymore weight.
It really upset and I felt like a complete failure to provide for my baby. My HV was really helpful and said FED is best. It doesnt matter if thats breast, formula or combi feeding. She said your baby is happy, hes fed and thats what important. It definitely helped with the mum guilt.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Easier said than done but know youre doing an amazing job!

I desperately wanted to breastfeed my now 6 week old too, and despite best efforts it’s not worked out. I lost over three litres of blood and so my body has prioritised making that up again over milk (breast milk is literally made from blood), it took a really kind midwife explaining that for me to start making my peace with it. The pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect mothers is just wild, we need to stop. Growing and giving birth to a human is a huge feat! Be kind to yourself and enjoy your baby girl

Try not to feel guilty. I formula fed one of my children and I felt incredibly guilty about it at the time and I remember a GP telling me kindly that the feeling of guilt is disproportionately amplified because infant feeding is one of the first things you do for them. In reality you have 18 years to try and feed them healthily so in the grand scheme of things it’s not a huge deal. Especially since formula is not actually bad, it’s not like feeding them macdonalds every day!

I also received no support, LLL were absolutely brilliant but health visitors/midwives/GP etc have been crap, there is a huge lack of support for mums wanting to breastfeed

It's very comforting to know I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. I think I will definitely read what a few of you have recommended. I've looked into relactation and it does sound like quite a long process but one I'd be willing to persevere with if it had a good outcome. However, my husband has said he feels I'll only beat myself up again if things don't go the way I hope with combi feeding, and he's absolutely right; I know what I'm like!

But then I think I won't know unless I try. I'm a chronic overthinker if that hadn't already came across 😂

Yes, had a similar experience with ds. He lost too much weight and didn't gain it back quickly enough so the midwife said I need to top him up with formula. I cried every day with guilt in those first few weeks, first because he was losing weight and then because I hadn't managed to breastfeed him exclusively.

Now 4 months later I think it's the best decision I've ever made. He's gaining weight nicely and is a calm and happy baby.

You are doing the best you can and if that involves a bottle then it isn't so bad at all.

I'd like to give you a glimpse into the alternative (possibly) as well.

DD too was born on the same 75th centile like D's. She too initially lost too much weight and was slow to gain it back. No one asked me to supplement her with formula though and I was desperate to bf her so I didn't offer her a bottle. She crashed through her centiles. Very quick went from 75th to 25th then 9th. When I finally tried to give her a bottle she refused it. It was probably vtoo late by then. She was too used to bf. I bf her for 18 months and there are few things that I regret that much. 5 years later she's still tiny. She's on the 2nd centile now. Maybe there's something else going on but we've checked her several times thoroughly and she's seemingly a healthy child. She just doesn't like eating. Probably never got used to having a full stomach. You can't imagine the guilt I feel for not giving her formula back then. I'm kicking myself everyday. (In fact I was just going to post about her).

You are doing what's best for your baby. It might not be what you wanted but your baby is thriving and that's what matters

Don’t feel guilty with thoughts of “you let her down” because the only person here who has been let down is you.

You asked for support and you didn’t get it.

No fault or blame lies at your door, please hold on to that

Wow I'm blown away by all the responses, thank you all so much!

I have my postnatal check up on Thursday so I'm going to mention how I've been feeling to my GP also and see if they can offer me any support around relactation. I'm not sure how much support there is in the area I live in for more one to one breastfeeding support, to help me with relactation/combi feeding but the GP will know.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that my baby is happy and healthy. I think with her (probably) being our last baby, I just wanted us to both experience breastfeeding and I feel as though sometimes it is "mid-sold" to mums if that makes sense. The health professionals I've spoken to only ever mentioned the good stuff about it, not the issues that people may possibly encounter, and I think that has probably added to why I feel as though I've failed; because I wasn't given any sort of information about obstacles we could potentially face.

PP, I'm so sorry you went through that experience with your little girl. It doesn't sound like you were very well supported by professionals either, it's such a shame.